No, Barn, I wasn't saying that you should withhold all niceties until she gives up the tantrums.
I suppose it just isn't sitting right with me that the tantrums are bad enough that you would not want to ML with her, yet not so bad that taking her to lunch and cleaning the house together are off limits. That doesn't have a ring of truth to it, kwim?
It seems that sex has become a pricey commodity in your house.
Believe me, I totally understand why you are not interested in having sex with her. I have been there myself. Aside from the rejection and what that does to your desire, there are the tantrums and what that does to the relationship and, consequently, the desire.
Have you told her why you are choosing celibacy? What is her response to this?
Is she making any efforts at all to curb her temper?
If she is, then I think you are obligated to see what transpires from that. If she is saying, Go F yourself I will never change, then I think you might be on the right track in keeping your distance.
One more thought for you: With my H, action is everything. Talk is cheap. I could talk til I was blue in the face and make demands, ask nicely, beg, it didn't matter how I presented it. He was gonna keep doing things his way. It wasn't until I made an exit strategy and told him about it that the changes started becoming more noticable.
I understand that you don't want to leave your M, but there are options other than "shape up or I'm leaving". Be creative and start doling out consequences. Expect her to do the same.
