Thanks to all that posted. I agree with each of you and think you've offered great ideas.

HP,
Thanks for your well wishes. The problem with me going ahead and "hiring out" a stress-reducer is that I get accused of not appreciating what she does. I've tried it, and it's just another reason for conflict. Ergo: what's the use? In addition, it's really not my job to "rescue" her. (I tried to do that for YEARS!) My offer of help is all that I can reasonably be expected to do. I've learned that you can't help someone who won't accept it.

2C,
I completely agree with your counselor! That's been a major point of contention in my M. Of course, conditional love is subject to my W's interpretation. (Read: It's only conditional when it's MY behavior!) I also agree that I can be viewed as cajone-less because of the way I'm handling this sitch. I'm OK with that. My purpose is not to find respect for myself in refusing to allow her crap (or else), but rather to keep my home together for the well-being of my children. My W is GREAT with my kids and they adore her. She's learned (by seeing their reaction to her outbursts) not to explode in front of them. That was a HUGE improvement. (The downside is that it confirmed my belief that she can control it when she wants to, and just doesn't care enough about me to want to.) So, I choose to find respect for myself in doing what is best for my family, while trying to stay out of "martyr mode" (even if it is BS. ) Regarding your second post, I'm amazed at the things you've done this past year to put your life together. You deserve many kudos and owe no one any apologies for doing what you felt was best to do at the time.

JJ,
Thanks for the idea of video. I agree that it would be a useful tool. However, she's already been presented with an abundance of evidence (and results) of her tirades. The only time it has worked is with my kids. (Thank God!) It's a conscious choice of how she reacts to life and in the last few years, it's been limited to me. It's clear where I fall on the priority list. I realize it and I'm finally OK with it.

FF,
I agree with you completely. If I were in you, I'd be doing exactly what you are. My decision to go LD/ND is an attempt to draw the strong boundary you suggest. I actually made my decision about a month ago (when she last blew up) and it's been great! She's overdue for her next "blow", but we've have out of town family with us over part of the holidays so she may just be "storing up". My new ND attitude isn't the real me, but it's helpful in a couple of ways. First of all, I'm not expecting anything and therefore not disappointed. Second, I'm not as aware of other W noticing me. I've never had trouble attracting W. I just never knew what to do (or was M) once they were. It's kind of like a few levels past HP's "chilling out". I'm OK with my kids seeing the way I'm handling it. They know that she stills blows up. And they see that I'm trying to be loving and mature when she does.

Lillie,
I live by the Assumption of Good Will. IMO, it makes forgiveness much easier. Over time, however, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain when you're the only one in a R that operates by it. Or when your partner's definition of the AoGW allows continual destructive behavior on their part. Eventually, it "breaks the glass".

Thanks again to everyone for your comments. It's almost like having friends who care.