I have to keep reminding myself that it's his problem, not mine...I'm ok, he's not...you're right, he is not healthy, and he will sometimes admit that he "has problems" but usually finds away to make them into my fault.
He doesn't see at all why the kids are withdrawing from him. In a way, he tries very hard, but he hasn't seemed to figure out that badmouthing me behind my back, and not really spending any "quality" time with the kids affects things. He tries to get my son to play ball with him, even though that his his interest, not the son's...for example. It's not like he's never home.
As far as the family divorce thing, the last time we talked about this, only a week or so ago, he said "divorce isn't such a big deal, people do it all the time". When we were in the thick of divorce proceedings last year, and I tried to make him see how it would affect the kids, and reminded him what he used to say about his childhood, he said that his childhood was not bad...essentially denied what he's told me all his life.
You're right, it's nearly impossible not to personalize his actions. I know it's really not about me, at least not that much, but it is so painful to be rejected over and over...I don't know if the fact that overall, surfacewise, things are so good, makes it harder or easier.
There is no religion in his life, he never ever belonged to a church. He is not interested in counseling because he doesn't really believe he has a problem, and even if he admitted that much, I don't think he believes counseling will help him. And, as I've said, when asked about working on our marriage he says he doesn't want to.
Anyway, after I wrote that previous post, I left work, and hoping I was crazy, drove by the club, and his car was there. I don't know how I always know this is happening. The "perfect situation" I referred to is that he had a softball game tonight, tomorrow is payday, long weekend, just had a birthday, feels like partying. I didn't know what time the game was, but I just felt like he was going to leave work early to go to the club. And I was right, because he works till 6 PM and works in another town, which is a little over an hour away from our town. So at 5:30, he was at the club, which means he left work about an hour and a half early.
So, this sounds so "high school" but I wrote "liar" on his window in lipstick...smallish, but he wouldn't miss it.
I just wanted him to know I was there. He just called me about 10 minutes ago...didn't say anything about the lipstick or what was going on, just sort of checked in. And I didn't say anything, because I'm not ready to get into it till he gets home. I imagine he isn't positive it's me, it could be one of the girls at the club, and that's fine. So he is playing his game right now, I assume (on a team with a bunch of my relatives on it).
As far as 11th hour changes, I really want to believe that will happen. I feel pretty strongly though, that once I start making financial demands on him, it's over. Maybe after a few years, he'll see what he's lost, but any financial hardship will blind him to anything but the fact that I'm evil because I expect him to take responsibility for his actions.
I think what I will do tonight is tell him to get out of the house, he can stay with his brother, whatever, but he needs to leave, I've had it. There's a good chance he'll stay anyway until I can find some legal way to make him leave.
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
