By about 4 PM, I could tell he was getting bummed out that no one remembered his b-day (no one, even his mom, had acknowledged his b-day, I apparently am the only one who remembered). I was making a fave dinner anyway, so I called my daughter at her friends and got her to buy a cake on the way home. Yes, both kids forgot his birthday, even though I reminded them a few days before.
I decided it was making ME feel bad, and I couldn't do it. I did tell him that I was sorry, I was trying to do what I thought he wanted, by stepping out of the picture and let the kids handle his b-day. My daughter didn't even bake the cake after she bought it, she went in her room and took a nap.
Anyway, it turned out not that bad...I guess. I hope he realized that it was finally me that pulled it all together, as usual.
I figure I'll probably offer to let the kids take him out to dinner this weekend, but I will not go. I'm just sick and tired. I wish he would move out. It's almost more torture having him hanging around the house being nice to me, knowing that he wants out. Plus he needs to learn. I just think if he moves out he'll learn the wrong lesson...and he won't leave, he wants out, but he wants ME OUT.
AND he finally had his court date for the DWI (arrest was Dec 1st). Guess what? The cop didn't show and the case was dismissed...can you believe it? Part of me is actually relieved that I won't have to worry about insurance being cancelled or him getting in trouble with work because he drives a company vehicle...but I was also hoping somehow he'd get a lesson. Let's hope all the stress he went through and the two nights in jail were enough.
And the conversations we've had about the arrest/and his stripper habit seem to miss the point of why I'm upset anyway...yes I am jealous about the girl thing and the money thing but he needs to see that the problem is that he can't stop going, not that it's upsetting me.
So I was sort of planning on a relaxing 3 day weekend...maybe hoping I could not think about all this drama and spend the weekend around the house being a family. And then I got stressed out thinking he'll probably sneak out to the club tonight, he'll have the perfect opportunity.
Why can't I just let it go? I think one of my strengths is my ability to not stress out about things I can't control. I'm doing OK at this, but the best way to describe myself is the the cliche "emotional rollercoaster" What happened to my stable personality?
I still think so much of this goes back to my physical appearance and that just makes me so angry. Why do men* seem to think it's OK to "use our bodies" to bear their children and then complain about how we look after, or just trade us in on a brand new model? I can't get over the idea that he's constantly comparing me to these hot young chicks and I will never stack up. I think he feels he has "strong feelings" for me but just because he doesn't get that "schwing" feeling everytime I walk by, he's not "in love" with me any more. And you know it can't have anything to do with his aging body either...I'm not talking appearance, but I'm sure he feels any sexual slowing down he's feeling is due to my age, not his.
It almost feels like he owes me companionship for the rest of my life and I know that sounds stupid, but yeesh couldn't he just TRY to work on our relationship? No, it's got to be perfect with no effort on his part. The fact that he has a voluptuous, attractive woman who is totally commited to him, as a person, who can forgive all (well most) of his faults, isn't good enough for him to even make a freakin' effort?
Anyway, again, I feel better just having written that rant out, there may be no logic to it...but like I said, emotional rollercoaster
*please don't take this comment personally, I know you all aren't like that, but I also know that you must realize that so many men are
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
