OK, let's talk about MY sex life a little...

[MustangSally]

Since I seem to have two issues going on here, I thought I'd address it in two different responses (it's my thread and I'll do what I want to).



Unfortunately FF, I think he would go through with a divorce...in a flash. This time last year, we were weeks away from a final decree. It's funny how I'm being so stubborn about this. I KNOW that he will not be happier if we divorce. It seems like he thinks it's the next stage in his life...everyone, grandparents, parents, cousins...everyone in his family divorced.

Of course he didn't go through with it. But only because I fought long and hard against the way he was going about it. He filed when I was unemployed, after transfering the joint bank account into his name only...the petition asked for him to get the kids, the house, everything. I was trying to deal with this with NO lawyer, no money...I was temping but couldn't get ahead enough to come up with a retainer. It was crazy and through the whole thing I was trying to get a real job and not have a nervous breakdown...he had scheduled court clinics to decide who would get the kids, the whole deal. Finally I told him he had put our whole lives in the hands of judges and lawyers and please STOP doing this...and after pleading and pleading with him he finally did about two weeks before our court date, days before the child custody clinics.

I keep saying this too...we get along fine, agree on a lot of the day to day life stuff. We have raised a couple of great kids.

I think a big part of his problem is he thinks he's missing out on some sort of big party boy lifestyle? I don't really get it. His brother never married, goes out all the time. I know he's miserable. Does H really want that life? I know his brother would change places with him in a minute...heck his brother has always been in love with me. I'm the person his brother came to when he had his big AIDS scare (yeah, we ALL want that life). I imagine if his bro didn't live in another state, I'd still be the person he came to with stuff.

Anyway, it really is all a huge big Mid Life Crisis flag...I have read up enough on THAT subject and I can tick off most of the symptoms, right down to the car he drives.

Should I let him throw away his whole life just because he's going through this big childish phase?

The reason I bring up the separation thing is that I think, in a way, it would be a good thing for him to see what his life would be like. What he wants is for me to move out, let him have the house...and I just disappear. I do believe in that scenario, he would eventually realize what he's missing out on.

However, I refuse to turn the house over to him. For obvious reasons...We can't afford two houses right now. I can't/won't squeeze the kids into an apartment with me. The kids would not want to stay at the house with him if I moved out (and I would never leave my kids anyway). And if we did eventually divorce, we all know that me moving out of the house would hurt my chances of getting it, or part of it, later.

So that leaves him moving out. He refuses to do so. But if I could get him to do that, just being away from it would make him miserable and give him one more thing to blame on me. He works on the yard constantly, it is beautiful. I would not be able to keep it in that condition, even if I were motivated to do so...again, one more way I would ruin his life if I were to stay here and he moved out...watching his beautiful yard fall apart.

Not to mention that he would be incredibly broke when he realized that he would have to pay rent plus pay child support. He honestly seems to think that he can just be single and not have to pay for the kids anymore or something. So when I legally made him fork over $$$, which I would probably have to do to get anything out of him...I'd be ruining his life.

So if we separated, he would be miserable, but all he would see is how **I'm making him miserable**. So it really is a lose/lose situation. I'd get to be the "evil ex taking all his money". He tries to hard to make me the bad guy...that would be one more way to make it happen.

And NOPkins, you have mentioned that book before. I'm sort of all "booked out". I read reviews of it, got the main gist of it...I don't think it's going to give me any answers I don't have. I really feel like I can't change him...he needs to work on himself. That's probably what the book pretty much says anyway. I reread the MLC stuff of the Divorce Busting books and really, I think that's what he needs.

What he really needs is to pull his head out and really see what he's doing...and what he's giving up. Sometimes I think I should give up trying to figure out what is really motivating him. Maybe he really is this one dimensional selfish person that he appears to be...heh

Anyway, after slamming him so hard I should say that I'm not a total idiot, this man has worked hard and provided a decent life for his family...he does put the kids before almost everything. He works hard, he deserves to go out and have fun sometimes. I don't want to deny him that. I have never thought he had a drinking problem, the DWI was just a symptom of all the other junk that he's going through. He can be a total sweetheart and he does take care of me. i would venture to guess, having read a lot of the threads in this board, that we have a better marriage, even better communication than many of the people in the SSM forum. Which is another reason why I can keep holding on considering all the other stuff he's putting me through.

He knows he's got troubles, but as long as you're still there, he doesn't need to deal with them. It does sound like he needs a good dose of reality.

He needs it bigtime...and as long as I'm around, he likes to blame all his troubles on me. I'd love to give him a taste of what his life would be like without me...I need some sort of "ghost of christmas future" or something though so he can really see without all the other issues a separation would cause.

Sometimes I think I have the weirdest life ever...