I'm back to vent & journal a little. I was feeling pretty confrontational yesterday, went back & read the MLC stuff in the DBing board, and now I'm waffling again, a little.
I am still going to confront him. I'm trying to find the right words and the right time. I'm getting there. I think if I had done it right away, I would have said all the wrong things and not gotten through. He still probably won't hear anything I say, but I'm trying to make the right approach.
I've told him a couple times since the DWI that I don't think he's an alcoholic. I think I am leaning towards telling him. "I don't think you're an alcoholic, but you are addicted to that club, and since you are going there behind my back now, I need to make some choices about my kids and myself"
Remember, he has said over and over he doesn't want to work on the marriage, but I can remind him of some really bad choices he's made since he started going there. And the fact that he wasn't home when my son got home from school last friday is where I'm starting. It's not such a big deal (he's 13), but it shows where his priorities are. I've got lots more, way worse stuff, that I've posted about here before, so I won't go into details.
He likes to try to twist what he's doing and compare it to stuff I do...I like to go to concerts with friends. It's hilarious that he tries to equate it, especially since I don't do it that often. But I don't do anything I'm ashamed to tell my kids about, and I'd like to see him tell the kids what he's spent all that money on.
I'm sort of brainstorming arguments he's likely to pull on me. I don't want to argue with him, I want to make him see what he's doing to himself. I'm going to try to take the emphasis off me. That will be very hard, because I'm the center of the universe
Anyway, since our talk Monday night I have NOT been doing the "acting as if" thing. He knows something is wrong but he doesn't realize what it is.
GEL, just so you know, when I said "he's not sucked in", I just mean he's not getting the phone calls, not dumping tons of money...it's not out of hand. But I know he can't handle it, so that's why I put "yet". I'm not kidding myself on that point. But GEL you're very good at making me think of things from a different angle, so I appreciate your thoughts, belive me, I know you're not attacking me. (probably want to slap me upside the head...but there IS a method to my madness, believe it or not)
He is working late tonight (no, really) but I will still be a nutcase till he gets home...sigh
I really would like to crawl in a hole for a few days and NOT deal with anything else...sort of stop time around me. That's not possible, but I need a break. I can pretty much get out of the house by myself, but I would really like to just stay home and wallow for awhile. I honestly deserve it, you know?
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
