Got home from work and H was cheerful and I would almost say he was happy to see me. I pretty much poked around and tried to figure out if he had changed his clothes...looked in the washer and dryer, hamper. He always smells like perfume and cigarettes when he goes to the club.
Finally I caved and did something I really shouldn't have done...asked son if his dad changed clothes when he got home. He told me he went straight into the bathroom and took a shower when he got home.
So...while the bank card transaction is still showing "pending" I know he went there...now I need to decide whether to confront him or not. I won't say anything until the transaction shows up in his account, but I really think it's a formality at this point.
It's not helping me any that he was a real sweetheart tonight.
NOPkins, I just found that book on Amazon and I get a feeling I have a pretty good idea what it's about. To be perfectly honest I think I've been there, done that. It sounds like that book is essentially my way of life...until now.
I think the divorce busting books were a big turn around for me. I know when I started the first "stripper" thread everyone thought I was being weak and co-dependent, but I was pretty much forcing myself not to follow my instincts, which were to confront him and throw down an ultimatum. I still believe that with all the MLC stuff he was going though, the right approach was to NOT be the nagging wife. I needed to be the comfort zone, the safe place. Not to mention the fact that we were about a week away from a divorce decree...just a few months before the stripper thing hit.
Now, I'm not sure what to do. This could be a turning point. I could ignore it this once. Maybe he went there and decided it really wasn't the nirvana it used to be, and has lost interest. I know that's wishful thinking, but maybe it's best to pretend I don't know until I see it happen again. It's been 6 months now since his last "event".
I don't think he drank while he was there, either...figured I should mention that, and as I've said, I don't think alcohol was ever the real issue.
OR I could put my foot down right away. The problem I have when I confront him is that this man does NOT acknowledge that he's doing anything wrong. He tries to believe it's his money to spend and he deserves it because (insert list of horrible things the world has done to him here).
So, yeah, counseling would be great. But he has NEVER EVER considered it. When I bring it up, he seems to think I'm accusing him of being crazy or something. I would have thought he was more enlightened than that.
I would give anything to have a real conversation about our future. I just can't ever get him to open up. It doesn't help that we have very little time alone. He won't really go anywhere or do anything with me either, though we spend time together at home...eating dinner, watching movies & stuff. We discuss the kids issues, his job issues (he's really not interested in hearing about my job, much), a play by play of his baseball games and team politics (and I've never been invited to go to a game).
It's also very clear that he knows what's important to make me feel good. On the occasions when he's crossed a line and hurt my feelings, or whatever...you know, normal daily stuff, he knows exactly what to do to make it up to me...hugs and attention. But otherwise shuns cuddly type stuff.
Sex about once a week but just sex, no real affection, no hugs, no kisses..not ML. But we have a good rapport, joke and kid around alot, even during fights. We haven't had any big relationship discussions or fights.
I am trying hard to regain my self respect but I'm having a hard time too. Definately experiencing some early menopausal stuff...a little weight gain, some minor hot flashes. It just seems to have noticeably (to me) hit in the last month. Overall I feel great...but I am still constantly comparing myself to younger women...doesn't help that I work at a university LOL.
My physical appearance is important to me but I know how superficial he is about stuff like that so it's hitting me hard that he pretty much makes it clear that he's not finding me physically attractive. I've always just dressed for myself and not worried about what he would think, now I stand in front of the closet on the weekends trying to figure out what to wear to hang around the house that won't make me look fatter.
I know what I need is to work on myself and my self respect. It kills me that I've become this person that wants to ask him what I should wear and what should I do with my hair because I care so much about what he thinks of me. This is not me. I need to find myself again.
But overall, I'm not depressed, I'm holding up well and functioning OK. The situation hits me at times and I just sob..but still...I'm OK, you know?
And now it's almost 3:00 in the morning and I haven't slept and that will make tomorrow just that much harder to get through.
So, I guess, back to my immediate dilemma and I welcome any and all advice...confront him or wait? If I confront him, it will pretty much be: "If you're going to start going there again, you will not live here with us". And by definition, that statement will involve lawyers because I can't afford to stay here by myself, and he won't voluntarily give up enough $$$ to make up the difference.
And I'm not sure that approach would be effective anyway...what I really want is to get him to open up.
I guess I'm done, for now. Thanks for your quick reply NOPkins. You wouldn't believe how much it helps to have someone to "talk" to.
and I wish everyone here the best in their journey
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
