well...here's an update.

Essentially, not much going on. H is getting ready to start his baseball season. We got in one argument about money in which he tried to get me to pay for stuff he usually pays for and got po'd when I said no. Since he started yelling, I started yelling (cuz, you know, I'm the mature one) ...and brought up the stripper CC bills just like I knew I would...picked up a half full paper cup of water and threw it at him (only cuz he went outside) and he ended up laughing at me!

Pretty soon he was joking about my temper...he lost it first...heh. The funny thing was it all seemed so ridiculous, I was sorta laughing too.

Actually sort of anti climactic and it took about as long to happen as it did for you to read it. I'm not sure that it means anything at all except that he must know I know stuff and will we ever really talk about it? Who knows.

I'd be happy to have a reasonable in depth convo about this if he would, but he'd either avoid talking at all or get mad.

this may be as good as it gets, folks.

Anyway, back to the touching & stuff, I do actually touch him, but no real hugs or kissing at all. I guess I really meant touching him emotionally. However, we had sex the other day and it felt like, you know, real emotional closeness there for a little bit. Can't tell you what was different, exactly, and it could have been my imagination.

He still hasn't gone to court for his DWI. He has that "lawyer insurance" through work and from what I can tell (again, this hasn't been discussed, just from snooping) the lawyer has managed to change judges twice, didn't show up to court once (which was excused and there was no penalty to H) and prolonged this LONG after it would have been over. (He was arrested December 3rd). I would have to assume that whatever penalties he would have suffered would be over by now if the lawyer hadn't been involved, but I guess we'll never know what path was better, will we?

I think the next court date is April 11th, wonder if he'll mention it to me?

Anyway, I know he cares about me...really. I think some of what he's doing is keeping me at arms length because he doesn't want to make me think he's really committed to marriage long term? I don't know.

Oh yeah, here's an important little tidbit that came up the other day. First of all, we went out to dinner without the kids for the first time in I don't know how long, at least a year and before that it was probably a couple of years. Just a casual, after work "nothing in the fridge, what do we do?" kind of thing, and the kids were at friend's houses.

Anyway, I ramble (as usual). During the course of the conversation he mentioned what I consider the potential other woman, lets call her D. Anyway, at one point last year, while he was in the middle of our divorce proceedings, her name & number were programmed on his cell phone, and he made numerous calls to her.(yes snooping in his phone bill).

During the BIG strip club time, he didn't seem to call her anymore...

And the day after he got arrested he mentioned he worked with a 22 (I think it was 22) year old girl named "D"



and then, I found out he had text messaged her twice over the holidays (he was off work). Just "Merry Xmas, Beautiful" and "Happy New Year, Beautiful".

Now I thought things were going great and went a little nuts when I found out about this over a month later...confirmed my suspicions that indeed the "D" person was an issue.

But between those text messages and now there has been no real mention of her.

So, anyway, back to the dinner, we were talking about my work and this guy who makes personal calls constantly (and LOUDLY) and he brings up this "D" person who is now buying a house with her boyfriend and how she's always on the phone with him, or her realtor, or her mom...explaining to her mom how its a serious relationship and it's OK she's buying a house with this guy even though they're not married.

So, I even wonder if that time he almost quit his job during the summer (gave his notice, took two weeks of vacation and then went back to work after all) had something to do with "D".

Anyway, I am still convinced when he tells me he hasn't had sex with anyone and there was no "affair". I don't believe my views of what "cheating" consists of coincide with his, however.

But D must be out of the picture.

Which doesn't mean he won't become infatuated with someone else down the road. At least he claims to know the difference between infatuation and love.

And the whole reason I brought up the fact that he hasn't gone to court about the DWI thing is that the arrest was a total turning point for him. So I wonder what will happen after he goes to court? What if he is acquitted? Has he learned his lesson and will continue his good behavior?

How am I ever going to know the answers to any of this if I can't get him to talk to me? I realize he probably doesn't know the answers either but...

Anyway, I'm not quite the emotional wreck I was even a month ago when I last posted. I still could desperately use some sort of acknowledgement of our relationship. I am trying to accept his actions in place of words, and mostly it's working.

I still feel like he is using my weight as an excuse for his normal sexual slowing down. I think he believes he could love me more if I'd lose ten pounds...and kept the house cleaner

But, you know, I'm not perfect. I wish at some point he'd realize that being a perfectionist is not a personality strength, it's a weakness...of course his mother brags about his perfectionism.

I just gotta fix what I can fix and go on with my life, I guess? I still wish I could find a way to reach him.

So really, my life now...kind of boring. I sort of feel like I'm waiting for the other to shoe to drop, but things overall feel OK...no unusual charges on the CC's, no suspicious numbers on his phone bill.

Life is almost normal.










Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity, And in the end we are what we pretend to be. -Jerry Cantrell