OK, let's talk about MY sex life a little...

[creatureofthedeep]

mustangsally-
My heart aches for you; seriously. In some ways I can identify with you and I wish the best for you.Chin up.

[MustangSally]

well...here's an update.

Essentially, not much going on. H is getting ready to start his baseball season. We got in one argument about money in which he tried to get me to pay for stuff he usually pays for and got po'd when I said no. Since he started yelling, I started yelling (cuz, you know, I'm the mature one) ...and brought up the stripper CC bills just like I knew I would...picked up a half full paper cup of water and threw it at him (only cuz he went outside) and he ended up laughing at me!

Pretty soon he was joking about my temper...he lost it first...heh. The funny thing was it all seemed so ridiculous, I was sorta laughing too.

Actually sort of anti climactic and it took about as long to happen as it did for you to read it. I'm not sure that it means anything at all except that he must know I know stuff and will we ever really talk about it? Who knows.

I'd be happy to have a reasonable in depth convo about this if he would, but he'd either avoid talking at all or get mad.

this may be as good as it gets, folks.

Anyway, back to the touching & stuff, I do actually touch him, but no real hugs or kissing at all. I guess I really meant touching him emotionally. However, we had sex the other day and it felt like, you know, real emotional closeness there for a little bit. Can't tell you what was different, exactly, and it could have been my imagination.

He still hasn't gone to court for his DWI. He has that "lawyer insurance" through work and from what I can tell (again, this hasn't been discussed, just from snooping) the lawyer has managed to change judges twice, didn't show up to court once (which was excused and there was no penalty to H) and prolonged this LONG after it would have been over. (He was arrested December 3rd). I would have to assume that whatever penalties he would have suffered would be over by now if the lawyer hadn't been involved, but I guess we'll never know what path was better, will we?

I think the next court date is April 11th, wonder if he'll mention it to me?

Anyway, I know he cares about me...really. I think some of what he's doing is keeping me at arms length because he doesn't want to make me think he's really committed to marriage long term? I don't know.

Oh yeah, here's an important little tidbit that came up the other day. First of all, we went out to dinner without the kids for the first time in I don't know how long, at least a year and before that it was probably a couple of years. Just a casual, after work "nothing in the fridge, what do we do?" kind of thing, and the kids were at friend's houses.

Anyway, I ramble (as usual). During the course of the conversation he mentioned what I consider the potential other woman, lets call her D. Anyway, at one point last year, while he was in the middle of our divorce proceedings, her name & number were programmed on his cell phone, and he made numerous calls to her.(yes snooping in his phone bill).

During the BIG strip club time, he didn't seem to call her anymore...

And the day after he got arrested he mentioned he worked with a 22 (I think it was 22) year old girl named "D"



and then, I found out he had text messaged her twice over the holidays (he was off work). Just "Merry Xmas, Beautiful" and "Happy New Year, Beautiful".

Now I thought things were going great and went a little nuts when I found out about this over a month later...confirmed my suspicions that indeed the "D" person was an issue.

But between those text messages and now there has been no real mention of her.

So, anyway, back to the dinner, we were talking about my work and this guy who makes personal calls constantly (and LOUDLY) and he brings up this "D" person who is now buying a house with her boyfriend and how she's always on the phone with him, or her realtor, or her mom...explaining to her mom how its a serious relationship and it's OK she's buying a house with this guy even though they're not married.

So, I even wonder if that time he almost quit his job during the summer (gave his notice, took two weeks of vacation and then went back to work after all) had something to do with "D".

Anyway, I am still convinced when he tells me he hasn't had sex with anyone and there was no "affair". I don't believe my views of what "cheating" consists of coincide with his, however.

But D must be out of the picture.

Which doesn't mean he won't become infatuated with someone else down the road. At least he claims to know the difference between infatuation and love.

And the whole reason I brought up the fact that he hasn't gone to court about the DWI thing is that the arrest was a total turning point for him. So I wonder what will happen after he goes to court? What if he is acquitted? Has he learned his lesson and will continue his good behavior?

How am I ever going to know the answers to any of this if I can't get him to talk to me? I realize he probably doesn't know the answers either but...

Anyway, I'm not quite the emotional wreck I was even a month ago when I last posted. I still could desperately use some sort of acknowledgement of our relationship. I am trying to accept his actions in place of words, and mostly it's working.

I still feel like he is using my weight as an excuse for his normal sexual slowing down. I think he believes he could love me more if I'd lose ten pounds...and kept the house cleaner

But, you know, I'm not perfect. I wish at some point he'd realize that being a perfectionist is not a personality strength, it's a weakness...of course his mother brags about his perfectionism.

I just gotta fix what I can fix and go on with my life, I guess? I still wish I could find a way to reach him.

So really, my life now...kind of boring. I sort of feel like I'm waiting for the other to shoe to drop, but things overall feel OK...no unusual charges on the CC's, no suspicious numbers on his phone bill.

Life is almost normal.

[MustangSally]

well...here I am, still.

Things again, pretty much the same at home.

I ache to hear some sort of confirmation from H about our relationship or the future. But as far as actions and daily life, things feel pretty normal.

BUT, just got a call from my son, he got home from school and H wasn't there (he's off on Fridays). Son wasn't concerned, just wondering what's for dinner.

But I get that clutching feeling in my heart and take a peek at his account...of course it's payday for him and there is a $250 cash withdrawal showing up.

Again, could be anything, but that's how his club visits always start.

I hate this...he could have gone to the grocery store for all I know. Will I ever relax?

I just feel like he's biding his time till something better comes along.

[NOPkins]

Hi, Sally.

I hope he hasn't gone back to his old ways.

How does he feel about marriage counseling?

At some point, soon, you two are going to have to discuss your plans and future together.

I don't know if I have recommended this particular book to you or not, "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson, but there is a lot of information in it that fits with your situation.

Good to hear from you, Sally!!

-NOPkins-

[MustangSally]

Hi...came back to post my latest discovery.

Got home from work and H was cheerful and I would almost say he was happy to see me. I pretty much poked around and tried to figure out if he had changed his clothes...looked in the washer and dryer, hamper. He always smells like perfume and cigarettes when he goes to the club.

Finally I caved and did something I really shouldn't have done...asked son if his dad changed clothes when he got home. He told me he went straight into the bathroom and took a shower when he got home.

So...while the bank card transaction is still showing "pending" I know he went there...now I need to decide whether to confront him or not. I won't say anything until the transaction shows up in his account, but I really think it's a formality at this point.

It's not helping me any that he was a real sweetheart tonight.

NOPkins, I just found that book on Amazon and I get a feeling I have a pretty good idea what it's about. To be perfectly honest I think I've been there, done that. It sounds like that book is essentially my way of life...until now.

I think the divorce busting books were a big turn around for me. I know when I started the first "stripper" thread everyone thought I was being weak and co-dependent, but I was pretty much forcing myself not to follow my instincts, which were to confront him and throw down an ultimatum. I still believe that with all the MLC stuff he was going though, the right approach was to NOT be the nagging wife. I needed to be the comfort zone, the safe place. Not to mention the fact that we were about a week away from a divorce decree...just a few months before the stripper thing hit.

Now, I'm not sure what to do. This could be a turning point. I could ignore it this once. Maybe he went there and decided it really wasn't the nirvana it used to be, and has lost interest. I know that's wishful thinking, but maybe it's best to pretend I don't know until I see it happen again. It's been 6 months now since his last "event".

I don't think he drank while he was there, either...figured I should mention that, and as I've said, I don't think alcohol was ever the real issue.

OR I could put my foot down right away. The problem I have when I confront him is that this man does NOT acknowledge that he's doing anything wrong. He tries to believe it's his money to spend and he deserves it because (insert list of horrible things the world has done to him here).

So, yeah, counseling would be great. But he has NEVER EVER considered it. When I bring it up, he seems to think I'm accusing him of being crazy or something. I would have thought he was more enlightened than that.

I would give anything to have a real conversation about our future. I just can't ever get him to open up. It doesn't help that we have very little time alone. He won't really go anywhere or do anything with me either, though we spend time together at home...eating dinner, watching movies & stuff. We discuss the kids issues, his job issues (he's really not interested in hearing about my job, much), a play by play of his baseball games and team politics (and I've never been invited to go to a game).

It's also very clear that he knows what's important to make me feel good. On the occasions when he's crossed a line and hurt my feelings, or whatever...you know, normal daily stuff, he knows exactly what to do to make it up to me...hugs and attention. But otherwise shuns cuddly type stuff.

Sex about once a week but just sex, no real affection, no hugs, no kisses..not ML. But we have a good rapport, joke and kid around alot, even during fights. We haven't had any big relationship discussions or fights.

I am trying hard to regain my self respect but I'm having a hard time too. Definately experiencing some early menopausal stuff...a little weight gain, some minor hot flashes. It just seems to have noticeably (to me) hit in the last month. Overall I feel great...but I am still constantly comparing myself to younger women...doesn't help that I work at a university LOL.

My physical appearance is important to me but I know how superficial he is about stuff like that so it's hitting me hard that he pretty much makes it clear that he's not finding me physically attractive. I've always just dressed for myself and not worried about what he would think, now I stand in front of the closet on the weekends trying to figure out what to wear to hang around the house that won't make me look fatter.

I know what I need is to work on myself and my self respect. It kills me that I've become this person that wants to ask him what I should wear and what should I do with my hair because I care so much about what he thinks of me. This is not me. I need to find myself again.

But overall, I'm not depressed, I'm holding up well and functioning OK. The situation hits me at times and I just sob..but still...I'm OK, you know?

And now it's almost 3:00 in the morning and I haven't slept and that will make tomorrow just that much harder to get through.

So, I guess, back to my immediate dilemma and I welcome any and all advice...confront him or wait? If I confront him, it will pretty much be: "If you're going to start going there again, you will not live here with us". And by definition, that statement will involve lawyers because I can't afford to stay here by myself, and he won't voluntarily give up enough $$$ to make up the difference.

And I'm not sure that approach would be effective anyway...what I really want is to get him to open up.

I guess I'm done, for now. Thanks for your quick reply NOPkins. You wouldn't believe how much it helps to have someone to "talk" to.

and I wish everyone here the best in their journey

[MustangSally]

well...

I guess I opted to wait and see what develops. I don't have the proof from the bank transactions, it was just a withdrawal from a cash machine that is nearish to the club. They must have a machine inside because sometimes his withdrawals showed that address...

So, still I think the bath proves it...in my mind. I also wonder if other times I've given seen withdrawals at that machine that he's gone there.

If it's true, he's not spending much money anymore. And I doubt he's drinking. Still I don't need to tell anyone here that this is cause for concern, to put it lightly.

Again, I should say he has never told me that he wouldn't go there. I can't call him on breaking a promise. But I have told him that if he continues to go there, we will not stay married. This was before the DWI.

So I on't know what to do...before all this started I probably could have lived with him going there occasionally. And he doesn't seem to be spending much money, or hanging out with the girls.

But looking at his cash withdrawals over the last month or so, yeah , there's a good chance he's gone just about every pay day.

I need to make decisions.

I could just ask him how often he's going, and see what reaction I get. I could wait and see if I can really bust him next time so he can't lie his way out of it. He hasn't really lied, just hidden. To me, there's no difference.

Over the weekend, before getting a good look at the bank account, I was thinking of making some not so cryptic remark about hiding and lying and how there's no real difference, or something like "just because I don't know you're doing something wrong, doesn't make it ok"

I guess I'm rambling but I don't know what to do. If other things are going OK...do I wait and see if this gets out of hand again, or let it slide, work on the marriage, and hope it works itself out (which is basicly what DBing advises to do with some of the MLC issues).

In a lot of ways, my marriage is better than it has been in years. Maybe I should just keep what I'm doing and see if it progresses, or even keeps happening. In fact, soon my kids will be home with him on Fridays, so he won't be able to sneak out during the day.

I just doubt this will just go away.

[nightrunner]

Sally,
Do you have any girlfriends who might like to visit a male strip joint and take you along? I would bet if you went to one with some friends and spent some coin, you would get asked pretty quick where you had gone.

[MustangSally]

OK, so I thought a little more.

What will likely happen if I confront him without real proof.

He will deny

OR

He will tell me it's none of my business.

It will put him on the defensive and may even cause him to go more.

I know it will cause us to go several steps backwards in the progress we've made.

But I do need to know if it's a regular thing. I doubt confronting him will tell me that though.


If I don't confront him, he will likely continue to go but things will be much smoother and give me time to work on other issues.

and I'll continue to lie to myself.

We still have huge money issues too.

If I don't confront him though, more than likely I will continue to get angrier and angrier and whether or not I say anything, THAT will hurt our progress.

[MustangSally]

I don't have coin to spend and I don't want to turn this into another stupid game.

The fact is he knows what kind of person I am and that I have morals and am commited to our marriage...so it wouldn't be a threat anyway.

Not to mention there are no male strip clubs here

And you might want to hunt down my other thread (I'd do it for you but I'm at work and don't have time). The man has spent THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of $$$ on strippers.

Sally,
Do you have any girlfriends who might like to visit a male strip joint and take you along? I would bet if you went to one with some friends and spent some coin, you would get asked pretty quick where you had gone.

[Greeneyedlass]

Sally,

I just got around to reading your latest posts. I see you waffling back and forth over confronting him with your suspicions.

I have to tell you hon....you have got to stand up for yourself. Take a stand one way or the other...but take one. IMHO if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...it's a duck....chances are he's frequenting the strip club. He truly seems to have an addiction to this place.

Whether or not he's drinking, he's still frequenting a place YOU have told him your feelings on. He's still continuing to behave in a disrespectful manner towards YOU.

Being that safe place for him is all well and good in many circumstances...but it's my belief that in this situation...by being that safe place (and I think I know where you're coming from on that) you are still enabling the behavior. By not confronting him you are also not saying...."I won't stand for you treating me so disrespectfully"...and you do deserve to be treated with respect.

He knows the financial position the two of you are in...yet he appears to be continuing to frequent this place....you can put an end to how much damage he does to you financially.

I guess for me...I don't see the benefit of not confronting him. If yo pretend everything is okie dokie....then he's gong to believe what he's doing is ok, or at least that he's getting away with it. What good will that do? You'll only end up more angry with him in the long run.

If you confront him and he gets angry WAAAAAA!!! He's getting angry because he knows he's wrong. Oh! & that "WAAAA" was him sounding like a baby, not coming down on you k

Stand up for yourself, demand the respect you deserve...you can do it!

GEL