So, what would you like to see happen in your marriage?
Where do you want it to go from here?
-NOPkins-
OK...back to this...sort of
I have to say, if I could just get H to say to me that he wants to work on our marriage, it would mean the world to me. I mean, he obviously *is* working on our marriage, we are getting along better, working on stuff around the house...but I want some sort of verbal reassurance. I would ask, in fact I have asked (months ago, probably October/Novemberish) and he said even though we've been getting along better, he was still planning on getting a divorce. So now, even though things seem ok, and the strippers seem out of the picture, I can't handle the pain of asking him. I know my limitations, I can't deal with what he'll most likely say to me.
That's not really a goal, I think I'm pretty powerless in that situation, all I can do is work on myself, I guess.
What I really want to do is just work on communication. I'm not sure how to do this all on my own. I think I am doing mostly all I can. Just sort of be available. I know if I pry too much, it gets me nowhere. I don't judge when I get him to actually talk about anything. I also try not to try to "solve problems". I think I'm sort of like a man in that respect, plus I think I know freakin' everything and tend to ramble on about possible solutions.
I'm up now because I can't sleep..so don't expect the above to make a lot of sense, but it helped me to write it.
I guess if anyone has other suggestions to help me open up the lines of communication? I have pretty much ruled out therapy as an option. There is no way I'm ever getting him to go.
And just a little bit of journaling, for my peace of mind:
H had late meetings tonight at work, and I knew he had meetings, I knew he wasn't lying to me, but still, at about 8 o'clock...it just hit me that he could be at the club again, alot of times he would use these meetings as excuses to sneak out afterwards. It was horrible. It took just about all my strength not to call him. I started crying...and about 15 minutes into my freakout he comes home.
I know this post is rambling and makes no sense, but it made me feel better to type it out...plus I can't sleep and I'm boring myself to sleep...heh
G'night ya'all
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
