OK, let's talk about MY sex life a little...

[MustangSally]

> I am late getting back to you this time. So it is my turn to be sorry :-)

No need for apologies...glad to have you stopping in to my little thread here.


Well, my little V-day gift was that when I checked his most recent cell bill, there were no "suspicious" phone numbers, at all. He also got me a little v-day gift, but the nicest thing, honestly, was that I had a "Happy V-Day" e-mail when I got to work in the AM.

As for the affair thing, I'm just not sure there's really something going on. He probably has or had a crush on her, but I don't think anything's really happening. I even look for expensive lunch bills like he's "eating for two" but nothing...I don't think he really has contact out of work. And he may have come to his senses enough to realize that it's just a crush? Not sure. Guess I'll keep it to myself till I see some real proof.

Do you have a favorite site that discusses brain chemistry vs love? I am not sure I can get him to read anything, to be honest. He's a smart guy, not much of a reader though.

One of the big R problems we have is not spending any time alone together. I wish I could get him to go out for dinner or something. It's hard to break the "boring wife" mode when we never see each other out of the house. I just can't get him to do anything. I guess I should say I refuse to nag him into going out to dinner with me. I want him to *want* to do it, and I know if I pressure him into it, he'll just feel put upon.

We survived doing taxes last weekend, overall had a good, if boring weekend. Had "not great" sexual moment over positions...in the middle of sex, of course. I was guiding him into the "me on top" mode and he essentially refused. He figured I was getting "upset" about it and acquiessed, but it really made *me* question his need to control me...just one other way he's trying to keep me under his thumb. I have never really had this problem during sex before, just to be clear. I think control is the big issue, it might really be the core of our problems.

*II would like to lose a few pounds. I used to be very fit and I let it go somewhat when I was working nights 4 years ago. This is something I would do for me. However, I just can't get past the idea that no matter what I'm doing, wearing or not wearing, he's comparing me to the strippers. It's in my head a lot. And maybe part of the problem is that I *used to* look like that. I think I have mentioned in the past that he is a perfectionist. And though he's 5 years older, he has held up very well.

Again, I had the "stripper body" thing going on, so it's not so much the reality of the girls in other settings, I think, as a "41 year old body" issue. I agree with you as far as him blaming me for his attraction to see strippers. Not sure what it will take for him to see the truth.

The only thing I can recommend is to continue what you are doing. Loving him from a position of strength, fixing the bad contributions you have made to the marriage, and keeping up a loving, but emotional distance.

Good advice, thought I'd just quote it so I can read it again.

He needs to learn to acknowledge your strength instead of always trying to be 'the strong one'. Always being strong, is an impossible to live up to standard.

and if there are any men out there who can help with experiences on dealing with this issue, it would help. I got him to talk to me last night about his job, DWI problems, etc, but it really turned into..."I'm OK, do *you* feel better now that you dragged me in here?" He turned it into my issue, as always, but at least he did talk to me for awhile.

Anyway, dragging it back to his childhood, I know that he and his brothers (4 boys) weren't even allowed to cry as children. Frankly I suffer from the same issue, he is really the only one I have ever allowed to see my emotions. Maybe that's one of the things that's been so hard for me, the one person I can trust is just not there.

Yeah, I realize that puts even more pressure on him. He's been a real jerk the last year, but what triggered it probably is that he's under a lot of pressure...of course, aren't we all?

Gotta get back to work...thanks for listening