Thanks for asking about me, I've been meaning to pop in and post, it's just hard to get some "private time" to do so.

As far as the affair thing, I'm back to where I was before. I think he is having an EA with that young girl at work, though it may be unrequited. I believe there could have been more to it in the past, but I don't think that he's ever had sex with her. I still believe him when he tells me that. How close he's gotten to sex, I'm not so sure.

His cell phone bill comes any day now, probably tomorrow. Frankly I'm scared to find out who he's been calling, but I WILL check. His time is pretty much totally accounted for, so there's not MUCH he could be doing right now.

As of now, he's still well behaved. He's having to deal with a LOT of repercussions from the DWI. For example, we were going to finance a car for our 16 year old, the loan was in place, after we signed the papers, they said "and we just need to make a copy of your drivers license". Which stopped the whole deal because the police confiscated it and issued a temporary permit...and on Friday someone asked to see his DL at work, he drives a company vehicle so they have a legitimate reason for asking.

We were able to finagle the car a different way, so my 16 year old got her car.

He was supposed to have a court date on Monday the 1st but his lawyer didn't show up so they rescheduled it, now he has another month of limbo. I *almost* feel bad for him but karma's gonna get ya, you know? I hate to see him so stressed out though, it's not helping any of us. I probably would feel sorry for him if I felt he was taking responsibility for his mistakes, but I think he is sort of passing the blame off at this point.

I so desperately want to tell him that all of these problems are the results of the "party" lifestyle he chose to live those few months, and it's not the fault of the cop he pulled over or even my fault for denying him that loan because I was afraid of how he would spend the money. He needs to realize he can't live that way and still keep his safe little life too. But I'm also tired of him putting me in the "bitchy nagging mommy/wife" role so I guess he needs to figure it out on his own.

So, I guess things are going OK? I'm a little more detached right now...trying not to play his head games. It's hard though, I'll be perfectly fine and then something he says will just hit me funny and I end up tearing up.

One day a couple of weeks ago he said something like "there's a big difference between being in love and being infatuated with someone". He didn't really elaborate, but I know he was talking about some of his little girlies. He wasn't necesarily saying he was in love with me...he did say a little later in the conversation that it would be easier to be infatuated with me if I'd lose some weight. Sounds like a crappy thing to say and well, yeah, it is...but it sort of fit into the context of the convo we were having about working out. I'm afraid he thinks that if I lose a few pounds (I only really need to lose *maybe* 10lbs or so, I'm not obese or anything) that he'll be more turned on by me and every thing will be peachy keen. We're still having pretty regular sex but I could go for a little more quality and quantity.

I've gotten in a couple of hugs and to be honest, I wish I could just get him to give in to all the stress I know he's feeling but I don't know how to penetrate that wall. Really the only reason I know about his court date is that the lawyer left a message on the answering machine about missing the date and I saw the letter on his desk.

Any tips on breaking through? I know he's trying to be strong but I wish I could get him to confide in me a little...

I need to go to bed. Thanks again for "listening" It helps to know someone's thinking about me.

Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity, And in the end we are what we pretend to be. -Jerry Cantrell