OH No I can't imagine "playing stripper". Right now anything stripper related turns my stomach...seriously. Of course THAT PLACE is right off the highway with big signs and I drive past it like 4 times a day picking up my kids & dropping them off from school...which means he drives by it at least twice a day too...ugh.

H has been a perfect angel and I wish I could relax but I can't. I still am not getting any kind of emotional/romantic reassurance. He's working on the house, making future plans with me, but I just feel like he's not really committed, like he's doing what he should do, like he's got a good angel on his shoulder reminding him what a good person I am and not to screw up his kid's lives and that he really wishes he loved me, but that bad angel can drag him away at a moment's notice. I think he thinks if I were thinner/hotter he could love me though I realize there's a lot more to it than that.

So his actions are saying "I'm trying to work on this" but I'm not getting any words to that effect. Sex, but not really hugs or kisses.

We are getting along great. He has broached the subject of his home equity loan again...funny thing is it would be a very sensible thing to do. HOWEVER I just don't trust him enough. He's only mentioned it quickly. If he brought it up in a situation where we'd be able to really talk (no kids in the next room, etc), I'm half tempted to tell him that maybe we should forget the home equity loan, sell the house and get a divorce. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to play that card. Remember he filed for divorce about this time last year. It would not be an idle threat...there's a very real possibility that he'd happily jump on the idea. But either we'd just get the inevitable over with, or it'd scare him enough to realize whether he really wants me or not.

I just can't get past the feeling I have that there is still someone else, somehow, maybe even someone at work, that he at least has a crush on. He is 46 years old but very attractive, I know there is a young girl who works there...I just have a feeling it's her. An interesting thing to note is that sometimes when he gets especially crazy/stressed, one of the things he brings up is how he'd like to quit this job, but can't for financial reasons. (he works in another city about an hour's drive away). There's lots of good reasons for quitting, besides her, but maybe she's one of them...maybe she triggered all this last year? Who knows. I can't help thinking she's a factor.

The sad thing is when it came down to it, all my hunches have been right. I try to deny them...but no matter how I try to reason these things away, it turns out that I'm right. I do hope that, at least, the feeling that I have that he's telling me the truth about not having sex with anyone else is right??


I have up and down days, today is obviously a down one...

Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity, And in the end we are what we pretend to be. -Jerry Cantrell