First I need to tell you that even if I don't reply, it doesn't mean I don't read your messages. I subscribe to responses via e-mail...I read them there, even though I don't always come back and respond. I just don't feel like I have any privacy at my computer and hate to have that big DIVORCEBUSTING screen open when I have the H and kids around. I'm pretty sure my 13 year old son has seen it at least once when I'm on the computer.
Anyway...thank you all so much for your responses, they helped me to get through the last week and a half. H and I were both off work between Christmas and New Years. As expected, everything went fine. He was on his best behavior, practically an angel.
Anyway...back to the issues at hand. First of all thankyouthankyouthankyou for the ego boosts...believe me I need them. Especially from the guys.
Really, I know you're right. I have a list of things to say to him if he EVER goes back to that place. A big one is "What kind of people do you think these girls are...chasing after you when you say they KNOW you are married?" I wouldn't TOUCH a guy who was dating someone else...what kind of person purposely tries to break up a marriage??? You're really moving up in the world with these "hot girls" who have nothing else going for them but a need to milk every last penny out of you.
Interestingly enough, I read that "He's Just Not into You" book last week. Mostly read it to "pre-screen" it for my 16 year old. But I knew it would do me some good too...for those of you who aren't familiar with it (it's getting lots of press now), it's more or less about how if a guy treats you like crap, don't overanalyze, make excuses...just dump him and get on with your life.
Of course this is about dating, not a 24 year relationship. But the book reminded me of how I used to treat guys...I didn't put up with any crap. And H chased me like crazy. It also got me thinking about my other thread in this forum and how everyone keeps saying I'm co-dependent, etc. After kind of stepping back for a week, I'm realizing that what really seems like co-dependent behavior is really what I was getting out of the "Divorce Busting Book", be his friend, try to analyze what he's going through, don't put too much pressure on him to make a decision while he's in the middle of his crisis".
Soo...where am I now? After a week of "my hubby, the saint" I'm feeling a little more objective. I can see now why I was willing to fight for him. I also hope he can see why I'm worth fighting for...it seems like it, anyway.
But, that's it...no more free ride. I will not let him get away with going to that place ONE MORE TIME!. For some reason, he doesn't seem to think he's cheating on me because he's not having sex. You and I know he really is. It's not like he's going once every couple of years for a friend's bachelor party.
The DB books have gotten me a long way...this time last year he was prepping to file for divorce...and he did file. I know I would be divorced right now if it wasn't for this board and those books. But it's ultimatum time. The DWI may have saved my marriage, he was spinning out of control in those two weeks. Frankly, there is a decent chance he'll get off easy on that one, he's gotten a lawyer (he's got that "lawyer insurance" through work), it's his first DWI ever at 46. Frankly, I'm hoping he gets a pretty stiff sentence. I can't believe I feel that way. If he gets off, gets his license back (all he's got now is a piece of paper that says his case is pending in court so he can drive...no official "license"), he'll be free to go back to bars and even if he doesn't, I don't know what it will take for me to trust him again. He went back to work today and I know I'll be stressed out once we hit 5:30 or so...wondering if he's coming home tonight. I know he will come home TONIGHT...but that feeling will be there again and I hate it.
So...I'm not so sure what the point of THIS particular long, rambling response is. I started off wanting to thank you for your support. I realize that I am more desirable than those 21 year olds...but, yeah, I'm still insecure. It's helped me immensely to have you all reassure me.
And I guess, rereading my original post, that the real problem isn't so much *what* we're doing in bed, as the lack of emotional reassurance I'm getting from him. This last week has been better. It's not like he's said he loves me...it's not like we're actually ML instead of F'ing...but there's a little more connection.
And NOPkins...I guess I know I should let him chase me, be a little less "easy". That's what I used to do...at some point though he quit chasing. I also thought that maybe in some way by chasing after him, making him feel attractive and sexy, I may be in some way meeting the needs that are being met by his stripper buddies. I think I need to find some sort of balance between the two sides. Thoughts on that??
At any rate, I know that as of at least three weeks ago, he's had no contact with them. There was no sneaking out for phone calls, no obssessively hiding his cell phone, and the few times he left the house, he came back within his alloted time
Going back to work puts new pressures on both of us, we'll see where things go from here?
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
I also thought that maybe in some way by chasing after him, making him feel attractive and sexy, I may be in some way meeting the needs that are being met by his stripper buddies. I think I need to find some sort of balance between the two sides. Thoughts on that??
