Yes it's me, the woman with the notorious strip club hubby...thought maybe I'd talk a little about my sex life since it's about time I posted something on topic in this forum.
Too lazy to go into our 25 year history at this point, lets talk about now...
My usually pretty HD H has hit the strip clubs...for lots of reasons, but in relationship to our sex life, I'm gonna say that he's 46 years old, not quite as horny as he used to be, and the hot chicks at the club ALWAYS get him horny, as opposed to his boring 41 year old wife.
I, on the other hand, am emotionally needy at this point because of other stuff in the past year and I need ANY kind of affection and I'm settling for sex, anytime, anywhere...
So in a way, we have switched places and I've become the HD and he's LD...he's turned me down for sex more times this year than we've actually had sex some years...
So, OK this is a weird place for me. I don't mind initiating sex, but since I'm pretty emotionally fragile right now, I take it pretty hard when he turns me down. I also think that there's a bit of "why don't I want sex anymore, must be cuz she's not sexy" tied in with possibly lower sex drives cuz he's hitting the mid life thing and is most definetly insecure and loves getting affirmations from his little t-bar sluts (and does he not SEE that he's paying them thousands of dollars to tell him how hot he is???)
So, anyway...we do have sex at least about once a week still, sometimes more, almost always after a fight/discussion about a relationship.
One of the things that bothers me is I feel like I have to be sexy/slutty all the time to turn him on. I don't mind that sometimes, but I sort of feel like in a way I'm degrading myself more and making things worse. Does that make sense? He's sort of getting off on semi dominating me (nothing abusive physically, just sort of controlling)...and he meets my needs but only in ways that get him excited...works for me but emotionally I'm feeling sort of used and I'm already having self esteem issues considering everything else going on.
So, I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I guess I'm asking if I'm doing the right thing in meeting his needs for now, because I enjoy it too though it's not exactly what I want. I just don't want it to become a pattern.
And how do I reaffirm a guy like this? I can't always be "misssluttyooohIwantyouyou'resosexy", I'm a mom too and I have stuff to do and a life to life and I'm a freakin' accountant!!!
Any ideas? Funny part is I'm pretty much open to try stuff sexually but I don't think it should always have to be this way...
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
Oooo - this is tough. My ex used to really want the whole slutty deal all the time and it was degrading. In his case, he needed the extra stim because he was addicted to perscription drugs. If things weren't SUPERHOT then he had trouble getting off. I realize that this isn't the case for you but I am thinking that my X took the scripts in part because he couldn't handle his emotions - he self medicated his Bipolar D/O. Does your H have any issues with Depression or Anxiety? What is the deal with the Strip Clubs? I mean I'm not sure I could ante up with sex if my H appeared to have a little side thing with strippers. I am not puritanial - I don't really care if once a year the X goes to one of those with a bachelor party or somehting.
MustangSally how about sex the way you like to do it considering wat H will do with you.
For example if you like to be on top, put a little lube on him and sit on the pole (erection) and move in motions that you like. Stop trying to please your H so much. Do it a couple of times and see how it goes. Please yourself more. I know this is too simple of a solution most of the time.
In my case I ask W what she would like. She is an "I don't know" person, so I do mostly what I like within her limited preferences. I used to feel bad, but am feeling less bad as time goes on. If she can not think of anything she likes, well I did ask.
Just read through some of your old thread. I am VERY concerned. I don't think that the issues in your M are about sex. Is your H still involved with the strippers. Did he actually have an affair - do you know for sure? Are you still separated? I think that the issues are more for classic counseling and have little to do with a SSM.
My H and I are also in our early 40's and it can be a difficult stage...there are all the past issues of a long standing marriage coupled with the realities of life ( aging, finances, kids, etc). I hope your H is able to see the destructiveness of his fantasy quick-fix solution; until you are confident he is heading in the right direction, you need to protect yourself financially and emotionally. While it is generous of you to try to meet his needs, he has to be willing to show a commitment to you by understanding what you need to be happy. It goes both ways. Trust your feelings; it's one thing to go along with "spicier" kinds of sex...it's another to participate in anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or bad about yourself. You have to draw that line. Take good care of yourself...are you ( or H ) in counseling?
OK...just so ya'all know, I realize there are TONS more issues in this marriage than the sex part, but this is an issue that's bothering me and it seems an appropriate forum to discuss it...maybe?
I also need to say that while I don't think the "strip club" issue is over yet, it's at least temporarily on hold. If any of you have read Michelle's other books, I feel that my best bet at this point is to "act as if" we are OK as opposed to dragging the issues into everything we do, especially the bedroom.
And with all my heart, I do not believe that he is or has had sex with these women, even in the Clintonian sense Or we wouldn't be having this conversation at all.
I'm not in denial about where my marriage is, but I'm trying to salvage it and I do think I have half a chance. I think more than anything the whole strip club thing is a symptom of the mid life crisis thing, not the problem. It over simplifies things to say it that way, but I think that's the jist of it.
So, anyway Lou, while you described pretty much my fave thing...I'm pretty much able to do physically what I want, and I don't know how to describe things other than it's just an attitude...like he's doing me a favor all the time and maybe he wants me to beg for it a little? Not literally...
And I guess I'm trying to figure out a way to satisfy his MLC issues without feeling degraded myself? I want him to know that I find him attractive & sexy still without it somehow making me slutty?Like I've said, I wouldn't mind it occasionally. I just don't like to feel like this always.
I also think that maybe he has issues with the fact that he doesn't want sex as much as he used to and doesn't get as turned on as he used to and turns it onto me a bit...like I'm not attractive anymore. Which leads back to the cute litte strippers...
And yeah, I hate that he is probably comparing my 41 year old butt to 21 year olds...that doesn't help me out psychologically.
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
Oh how I know you have needs and compromise to satisfy them. Congratulations on successfully competing with the 20 somethings!
I have "presented" myself to H to try to work something out. At least your H knows what to do when. Mine made it obvious that the time I spent trying was totally wasted.
Just don't hurt yourself emotionally Sexy play and tease and a bit PT isnt bad *if* there is 2 sided play. IF however, you want him to make love to YOU and not to his ML crisis maybe you should do as Lou suggested, get him to do what you want in the manner you wish.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
MustangSally wrote {{I hate that he is probably comparing my 41 year old butt to 21 year olds...that doesn't help me out psychologically}}
Not to be saying anything inappropriate, not to be hitting on you, I would take a 41 year old butt that showed me some good action, that I could have, than a 100 21 year old butts that I could not have. No lap dances for me. I want the real thing. Just call me Mr comfortable. Just my opinion about what I like. I am sure there are a lot of quiet guys like me out there.
Cheer up, too many women and men compare themselves with something they were or never could be and ignore all of the other thousand good traits they have. Maybe I should say I kind of understand and leave it at that. No advice, maybe I should just listen.
For your self-esteme, would you want to be a lap dancer breaking up marriages? Would you be proud of the fact you got your money from manipulating some men's ego? What you are doing for your M is worth more than all of the lap dances in town. That is for you to decide and answer. I do not need to know.
On a different plane, Personally, I have more respect for the guy that repairs my flat tires than the siding guys that call every month trying to get me to buy overpriced siding. The siding guy's income is double the flat repair guys salary. The tire guy is more ethical.
Quote: -------------- I, on the other hand, am emotionally needy at this point because of other stuff in the past year and I need ANY kind of affection and I'm settling for sex, anytime, anywhere... --------------
So, stop with the grabby/needy thing. Add some mystery and distance to your interaction. Let him work to get you instead of the current dynamic. You have what he needs, not the reciprocal.
I don't care what your butt looks like, it is the butt he wants more than any 21 year old, whether he knows it or not. It is your attitude that matters. Turn the whole thing around on him. Dress hot and push him away when he makes advances. He doesn't get to touch (much) in a strip club, but you don't have to act like a stripper to keep him at arms length and add some mystery to your love play :-)
Exude confidence whether or not you feel it. The fact is, you are a hell of a woman. Look at what you have worked through. It takes a lot more character to survive what you have been through than it does to ogle some stripper's ass. You already have the real goods. It is time to be proud of it. You show him a real woman.
There are a lot of guys that would drag chains across cut glass while barefoot to get a chance at a real woman like you. Don't you dare sell yourself short. Your dorky boy needs to get his mind right. If he won't, remind him where the door is.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Good post NOP. It is so hard to feel like a vital woman when you have been through what Sally has. I had a miserable first marriage. My current issues with H pale in comparison.
Sally - I understand your need to give this every opportunity to work. Do what you need to do but remember to preserve your own self respect in the process.
Or we wouldn't be having this conversation at all. 