Christmas Holidays and the Sex Starved Marriage

[NotATLDave]

GEL
A scheduled approach to a sex life is beyond my wildest dreams at this point (I have long ago given up on the idea of passion and desire from my spouse).

Do you have any plans to alter your "schedule" or add some spice to your routine over the holidays? (perhaps a bit soon to ask for more than your current routine). I hope HairDog and others that have some vague hope of a sex life will have better luck over the holidays,

Monk

In the words of my C...."Don't depend on your partner to make your sex life hot....you are solely responsible for your sex life and it's up to you how to make it happen within YOUR OWN moral parameters. If they aren't in the mood, then MB and be sexual without them (while making sure they know what you are doing)." The key is the part about "making a sex-life for yourself within your own moral parameters". You see, if I were hairdog or cemar, I would be posting this from the bedroom of some other woman's apartment by now.

The point is that you have to clearly communicate what you want, when you want it, how you like it (no matter how weird your desires are). Be supportive of the fact that your spouse isn't into it and don't beat them over the head. But carefully consider their unwillingness to meet your needs and try to help them overcome their aversion. Don't help them by "taking a hit" to your own principals. IE, don't say "I'm being such a good guy by not bugging you for sex"...just let them know when you are feeling frisky and deal with it if they aren't. Only get pissed if they reject you in a demeaning/disrespectful way.

Just remember, it's one thing for a spouse to be LD or whatever, but it's a bigger violation of the "spirit of marriage" to reject your partner's desires in an insensitive way. (note that rejection with humility and vulnerability is acceptable and loving). Mean rejections are like them saying "no...I won't have sex with you AND I don't want you ask again, AND your feelings are wrong because you should know by now that I'm just not a horny person...you should know better you schmuck". You are who you are...if you feel a certain way, don't apologize for it...it's who you are. That type of "training" is a perpetuated by "fusion fantasies" where your partner wants you to be a siamese twin who can predict their feelings etc. (we naturally rebel against the idea of being fused...that's why those of us who suck at setting boundaries, tend to move far away from our parents etc.).

I'm sorry for a weird post but I just got to say...if you want some action this xmas, it's going to take some candor with your spouse. Say "I would really like to have some intimate time with you this holiday which includes a bit more sex than usual..it would make this time of year more special for me". Then deal with the response....
* If nicely rejected, say - "I'm disappointed to hear that and I'm sorry that you have such an aversion to ML with me".
* If rejected in a mean way, say - "I'm not going to apologize for feeling this way and your insistence that my feelings are 'wrong' is offensive to me".

It's very simple. Regardless of what they do, you are going to have to determine what's within your "moral parameters" for a good sex life and determine what it's worth to achieve it. I truly believe that acceptance of a disrespectful spouse is a sign of weakness and self-loathing and a lot of folks mistake their "violation of oneself" with "benevolent sacrifice"...it's a bunch of BS. Stand up for yourself and give your spouse a generous amount of time to prove their commitment to you (and to stop disrespecting you). After a while, if they are unwilling to "hear" you, then let your actions speak louder than your words by having a great sex life without them.

Gee dave, what do you mean? affair? mb? porn? Yes...whatever is in your moral parameters to prevent you from selling yourself out because the act of selling yourself out makes you less desirable to your spouse and you will just be an insecure, bloody carcass of a person when you start trying to date after an inevitable divorce.

Later.

-Dave (whose in a freakin' weird mood tonight...)