Quote: --tuning into every little thing he does for me, no matter how small, no matter how much it seems like he "should" do them, and expressing gratitude and appreciation for them... --making a point of mentioning things about him that I find appealing as often as possible...several time each day..."filling his cup" so to speak... --I would not hesitate to make overt gestures of admiration/appreciation...like sending little cards, thank-you notes, etc., --I would even occassionally "set things up" to have him so some little thing so I could thank him...I did a little bit of that this weekend, and didnt get a negative result. I'll post a little later about that.
This is all good stuff (and great job on figuring out that creating some events is a good thing, too!) now remember...slow and steady...try not to overwhelm h with gratitude or you are right, he may feel pressured!
I'd start by saying "thank you" often. Maybe hold off on the note?
Quote: I am going to make this a concerted effort, and see what the results are...what is an appropriate amount of time that I might commit to this? REALLY go all out for say, 6 weeks and then reassess, but watching to stop immediately if he responds negatively??????
well....if he reacts negatively I would say that it's because he's feeling pressured or overwhelmed so scaling back would be a good solution -- but isn't saying "thank you" a reasonable thing to do? so, note some things around the house he's done and thank him for them. doesn't have to be a big production -- just say "thanks" or "I really appreciated this". I suspect if you keep it low key, he will not give a negative reaction.
Quote: One of my concerns is that in my "study" of mlc, pressure on my part is a big no-no. I'm not quite sure how to express admiration/appreciation without it coming across as pressuring...what makes it pressure and not affirming? that is not at all clear to me, and it's a big concern.
well, kiddo...Nevanna's answer was right on...pressure often results from the expectation that there IS a good response -- like if h gets the sense from you that there is a right or wrong way to react to your thanks, well, he'll likely feel pressured...also, if you react badly if HE doesn't react...also creates a sense of pressure.
What if, instead of this being a test of some sort, you just really ingrained into your mind and body and heart that your h seems to love being appreciated? If you felt that with all of you being, his reaction to your offering up thanks wouldn't be a big deal, right?
also, as far as "pressure" goes...I'll say again that I think you should scale back your plans...start out by just saying thank you and meaning it.
Quote: I'm thinking also here about AOS...acts of service...Am I correct in recalling from 5LL that we tend to speak to others in our own LL? if so, wouldnt his doing little things like warming the car for me be an act of service? and so to interpret that fact that he does that for me as it being something that speaks "love" to him would be on target, right? So then "acts of service" would be another way to show love??????As I think about it, he generally does express appreciation for "acts of service" that I do..
it's sometimes true that someone does act out their LL -- so if h is doing AOS, it may well be his LL too...BUT...people that do a lot of AOS may also be "WOA" type people...so you can try a little of this or that...say "thanks" but maybe also try one or two AOS for him?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I am still working on the GAL technique, don't want to forget that. I signed up for a weight loss class at my fitness center on Friday, it meets tonight, so I will have to run back in if I get into it. it was full when I got a chance to sign up,so I have to call and double check.
but, interestingly, I didnt mention it to H until Saturday evening (slipped my mind) and I was surprised to see a look of surprised and even astonishment cross his face...strange.
H seems to be very inquisitive about phone calls I get any more...yesterday was interesting in that respect.
I got a call from my alma mater for updating the alumni directory...H was in and out of the room several times asking who it was...he asked if I was getting another credit card when I hung up (maybe that's what he was worried about)...
Then yesterday evening I got a phone call asking if I would be interested in considering a career change and coming for a preliminary job interview...now this is weird and I'm skeptical because I've not been seriously persuing such a change, but considering it and praying for guidance. I talked with the person for a while, said I would think about it & let her know about the interview...I might consider at leas that... H was very curious about that phone call, asked several questions with big eyes. wanted to know when the interview would be, etc.. This morning he said something about "so opportunity is coming knocking" and I said "I don't know, I'm quite skeptical, but I figure it's probably worth at least checking out, match my salary and I'm theirs" and he started worrying about my retirement plan, etc.....
weird response, but fate timed that one well for me I think, he has to at least wonder a teensy bit about me getting phone calls about job changes...If the situation were reversed, I'd be wondering what the heck he was up to and not telling me about.
Quote: acknowledging the "good stuff" is different than doing it to get a response from him...
I'm thinking your H might be a little shy in the reassurances department because he's afraid of getting his head bit off. Not that I'm saying you are overreacting or anything, but I noticed my H was always afraid that I was "mad" at him or "punishing" him.
So...make sure he knows you're happy with the good stuff. Try not to be so suspicious. (You know, the whole "why is doing the laundry on Thursday?" type of stuff. ) I know it's hard, and really hard at first, but just thank him and really truly mean it. If he knows that you're going appreciate what he's doing, he's more likely to do it.
Quote: Did I know that at one point and forget it?
I have this problem a lot... That's why I like to write down what I've figured out--helps it sink into my memory better.
Hi Dawn, sure I'll come paint! this stuff is never ending isnt it? I have to say, I sometimes think moving fairly often would be an advantage when it comes to dejunking...we've been in the same house since 6 months after we got married...and we have the collection of "stuff" to prove it...honestly if grandkids came today, we'd be ready, all we have to do is unpack a plastic tote of whatever they need...amazing. what a trip down memory lane though, I think H still has the 8 track tape he played on our first date (a special one) geez, does that put us into the geezer category or what? Do you remember 8 tracks? I almost hate to ask that!
Ah, Sage, you are so right. I need to be careful not to go overboard...I tend to be an "all or nothing" type of person ...so slow and steady, and putting as you say into my heart and soul the intent of recognizing and thanking H is the way to go...a few things at a time.
Maybe that's why he's responded negatively sometimes, although I was sincere I came on to strong? In the Sally Conway book, she says to keep affirming and recognizing, even if they respond negatively, because even if they arent able to accept the affirmations at the time because of where their own heads are at (or arent?) they are internalizing it a some level and it does add up....so....slow but steady...with no expectation of a response from H.
Funny, I actually became aware that I was walking around the house this morning muttering "no expectations, no expectations) over and over under my breath....
Really there are so many things to be appreciative of, even if things arent what I want them to be.
Quote: I'm thinking your H might be a little shy in the reassurances department because he's afraid of getting his head bit off. Not that I'm saying you are overreacting or anything, but I noticed my H was always afraid that I was "mad" at him or "punishing" him.
you're right on track here, and I needed to be reminded of this. One thing I've figured out is that H does sometimes interpret things differently then how I've intended them...I think this is Mars/Venus stuff (yeah, I read that one finally) and when I think I'm just talking about the way something is, H tends to take it as blaming. A time or two I have been able to remember to say "i'm not blaming you or it's not your fault" and it does seem to be reassuring to him, but I gotta keep this in mind.
I should have offered to help you de-clutter first! I am a first-rate de-clutterER. LOL I have helped a lot of people in the same situation. Often thought I should be on that show "Clean Sweep". You do have to be a bit brutal though....thinking it is right up my alley !
Ah, yes, I do remember 8-tracks! We used to think we were so cool "jamming out" to Leo Sayer in my sis's first car. LOL Oh the memories....
Hi Dawn, oh wow, I forgot about Leo Sayer. werent we all cool with those 8 tracks? I don't think we have a player anymore. but then again, I could be wrong, I havent gotten into that corner of the computer room, there might be one there still, I'll have to let you know!
How are you doing these days? are your health issues still ok? I hope so! how about your H and new pup?
I guess I'll post a weekend update, before I forget the "goings on"...it was actually a pretty good weekend. Friday morning I didnt get home from work until about 10:30...i was almost dreading going home, remembering H's 3-hour trips to "get gas" last summer...I walked in the door, said "hi" to the dog, heard noise upstairs, which I assumed was the cat, patted the dog, and then lo and behold, H came down the stairs...he was home before I was...and H made a big deal about how he'd rushed to be home by 10 and didnt get the video because the couldnt find it for him fast enough in the store and he wanted to get home for me, and then I didnt get home...so could I pick it up for him later? I was shocked that he was already home....tell me if I'm on track here all, or just wishing, but I think he was offering reassurance and that he really made an effort to be home by the time I got there! I apologized for being late, I'd had a report I didnt get finished, and told him I appreciated how hard he tried to get home, that I'd been looking forward to getting home to be with him. We did have "snuggle time, and ML at H's initiation...that evening I worked on the dejunking the basement...ick...but H just looks overwhelmed and clueless about it, so I've been kind of doing most of the work. I heard the phone ring, and heard him talking to his dad (could tell who it was) and heard him say "I can't tomorrow but I could on Sunday". I knew FIL had called about going hunting. S came to the basement and told me his dad had been talking to Papa about hunting, and S said that H had asked if I was going to come sit by the fire. I said "he did?" and S said "yes, it just isnt the same without you" now, S is learning what we like to hear, so I'm not totally sure H said that, but I went up and sat by the Fire. S said his Dad had commented while I was in the basement about how great the chicken was I'd fixed for supper. At Any rate, I am 99.9% sure that H wasnt w/ow on Friday AM, and 100% sure that it wasnt for long if it was at all.
Saturday AM, H was up early as always and got around so quietly I almost didnt wake up...he came into our room fully dressed to leave for "work?", and I told him I would be happy to see him when he got back. I didnt complain about him being gone, although I am always sick at heart that still he goes to see ow and not to "work" as he says. There was more of a foul-up w/delivery of H's long awaited weight equipment, I spent an hour and 1/2 on the phone getting it straightened up. It's interesting, H has been saying he doesnt really need it or care about it, but he was beside himself and upset when it wasnt there. I thought he seemed a little upset anyway when he came in. I wonder if he wasnt having some kind of less than wonderful time w/ow, and it's occurred to me that the weight room set up is something he is viewing as a way to help himself "break away" from ow. I don't know, but I do get that feeling from comments he's made like "since I'll be spending more time lifting weights" Saturday afternoon, H mentioned to me finally that his dad had called about hunting, that he'd told him he could only go on Sunday, but that he wasnt sure he wanted to go then, and wanted to know if his dad had called back. I told him he hadnt, and that seemed to aggravate H, I told him he could go hunting if he wanted, and he reiterated taht he wasnt sure he wanted to. The evening was pleasant, we just had a fire and watched tv, H complained of being tired, but he woke me up to ML at about 1 AM. No performance problems lately. I just can't figure out what makes the difference.
Yesterday was quiet, uneventful. H was pleasant, but still complaining of feeling tired. No ML last night, I would have been in the mood, but didnt want to pressure him so I didnt pursue it.
this morning, H was pleasant but rushed, just regular "work day" stuff. He did email me about 10:30 this morning, I had 2 emails from him but not a lot of conversation.
One weird thing though, H has this little thickened skin place on his forehead, hardly noticable. This weekend, get this, he started putting wart remover on it...I did make a comment about it, and H said he thought it was either a wart or a skin cancer and he wanted to get rid of it, it had been there for ages. I just said "Oh", and didnt say much, although I did say it might be a good idea for him to get it looked at by the Dr. if he thinks it's skin cancer...H said he didnt think it was, he just wants to get rid of it. More MLC/ow preoccupation with appearance? Isnt' that odd to put wart remover on your face?????
Also, I turned over the cell phone bill to H last summer because it was making me nuts...he'd open it and take out the phone log and leave the bill for me to pay, of course it smacked me in the face everytime that the phone log was gone because he'd taken it out so I wouldnt see how much he was calling ow...duh.... well, the cell phone bill is very late. I think he maybe has not paid it in 2 months. I am not saying a word about it. I'm leaving it up to him to take care of it or not. I keep telling myself that he's a big boy and he is as responsible for things as I am and he can deal with whatever happens or doesnt happen as a result of his actions or inactions. Is this the way to go? it's a 180, I've always looked over his shoulder before.
I have to say, to my credit however, I have not said one single word about ow....not one....since our between the holiday blowout.
Not that I'm saying you are overreacting or anything, but I noticed my H was always afraid that I was "mad" at him or "punishing" him. 
) I know it's hard, and really hard at first, but just thank him and really truly mean it. If he knows that you're going appreciate what he's doing, he's more likely to do it. 
!