Have you thought about not going home Friday after work and letting H fend for himself? If H is spending the day with OW, and plans to be home in time for you to get home from work, let him sit and wonder where you are for awhile. The longer the better.
Being a Friday night, can your S plan to spend the night at a friends house? Or maybe arrange to pick S up and go out to a movie.
On the flip side - if H isn't at OW's and you don't come home from work - is he going to miss you, or wish he HAD spent the day at OWs?
Based on H's reaction to you leaving, give him time to think about what he is truely giving up.
Hi Dawn, thanks for checking on me, yeah, I'm ok at least mostly... I don't have much time (havent had) to post today...updating from events yesterday, however (this is pretty much my post on MLC) I won't be on line much today, but thought I'd post a little. S12 went to lift weights of his own accord with his dad last night while I was at work, and they both seemed happy and excited about it. I am hoping this is good in all ways?????
I didnt get home from work until 10 pm last night because I had a tough customer in class...literally the police showed up and took him out of class, then sent him back...My instincts (besides the police) told me he was really "on the edge"...anyway, it took 45 minutes after class to get him out the door, and I decided to take the time needed because I believed he had a gun in his left coat pocket (couldnt figure out why the police didnt pat him down when they took him out, then I realized he'd left his coat on his chair when they called him out....he knew exactly what he was doing) Anyway, when I got home, H was doing laundry (which he always does on Friday, so Thursday is a new behavior???) and H wanted to know if I'd had trouble, said he'd been worried and tried to call...I told him yes I had, that I'd been wishing he was there because I needed a white knight, and told him the story...he said he wished he had been there to help (me to, he really is so good at handling this kind of thing, he's talked jumpers off of bridges before, literally) Anyway, I said I could really use a hug, and he said "sure" and gave me a nice one. he did snuggle a little in bed, I thought more than the rest of the week.
S12 told me this morning that his dad paced the floor and kept looking out the windows when I was late getting home from work, and said several times "I hope your mom's ok) and then "I hope Deb (not thinking of me as mom?) gets home soon. So I guess at some level at least he is concerned. S didnt know if he called ow or not.
This morning, he asked what time I thought I'd be home (remember ow has vacation today and H is off), I told him around 10, he said he was going to go in and get gas and pick up a movie for the weekend, and "if I'm not here when you get here, don't freak, I promise I'll be here by 10:30 and we'll have some snuggle time, how's that?"....so, I don't know if that's good or not? I guess the only consolation is if he's going to OW, they won't have over 2 hours or so together...still hard to swallow. However, it seems like an effort to reassure me on his part. I've not said a word about OW all week, or about knowing she's off today, so that gets us a week down the road past the awful incidents over the holidays.
When he was doing laundry last night, I commented that "oh, you got inspired to do laundry on Thursday, what caused that?" lightly...h commented he was tired of fooling with it on Fridays (another way to get time off w/ow?) and I managed to resist the urge to "go there" and instead turned it around positively (I think) and said "thats such an icky chore, I sure appreciate you doing it" H replied "I've done a lot of icky chores around here for years, like the outside animals" and I validated (again, I think) by saying "I know you have, and I appreciate it so much"... This & Snodderly's suggestion yesterday about words of affirmation & the S. Conway book got me to thinking, praising & recognizing the good stuff he does maybe what I need to focus on at the moment. He's back in the "you're just making it up" mode when I tell him how handsome/good looking he is (his comment over vacation was "you didnt think so and never paid any attention to me for years, so it has to be a lie now") but he has NEVER responded negatively to thanks and recognition of his efforts....oh wow, I think the light bulb just went off....that is a big part of his dissatisfaction at work and with extended family....so that has to be a key. I've not been sending him any card or letters lately, I'm thinking I may write a thank you note expressing my appreciation for things he does...I did that several months ago and got a thank you for the thank you...
OH...something else just hit me...before I left for work this morning, he came upstairs to tell me "I warmed your car up"...I told him "thank you so much for doing that, I really appreciate it"...the poor guy really is a bottomless pit for affirmation, and I've not seen how bottomless until now. I mean, he wouldn't have come into the house and all the way upstairs if he hadnt wanted the acknowledge ment, right? hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
What's Next, if you happen to see this, you mentioned on one of your threads that ow in your sitch was in trouble w/HR at your company for her actions w/your H...if it's not too painful, could you tell me a little about this? From what H has said ow is on a corrective action plan, and I saw her supervisor watching her like a hawk yesterday....
I was also thinking about the Christmas Red Coat buying incident...I'm almost positive that was 3 years ago....don't know where that means H is in the mlc, obviously there's still replay stuff going on....
This has already been a long long haul. I was also thinking this morning for the thousandth time that 2 days before I found out about the PA for sure, H sat down at the table and talked with me when I got home for the first time in ages...I remember so distinctly thinking "oh wow, he's back finally"...little did I know all hell was going to break lose in 48 hours...this was in October 03... But from time to time I think about this, and wonder if he wasnt still trying to make some connection w/me even in the hottest throes of the PA. Perhaps trying to tell me about it, or trying to decide which way to go is more like it, I don't know.
The thought occurred to me, how the heck is it I can calmly and rationally figure out how to get a guy with a gun out the door without incident, yet dealing w/H's mlc & a turns me into a blithering, blubbering, confused idiot?
Quote: OH...something else just hit me...before I left for work this morning, he came upstairs to tell me "I warmed your car up"...I told him "thank you so much for doing that, I really appreciate it"...the poor guy really is a bottomless pit for affirmation, and I've not seen how bottomless until now. I mean, he wouldn't have come into the house and all the way upstairs if he hadnt wanted the acknowledge ment, right? hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
How do you think your actions might change if instead of viewing h as a "bottomless pit for affirmation" you viewed him as someone for whom WOAs were of primary importance and critical to feeling loved?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hey Deb, you're really good at the crazymaking, you know? Wonder how much of H's pulling away is because you think something is up, instead of you thinking something is up because he's pulling away...know what I mean?
Quote: he said he was going to go in and get gas and pick up a movie for the weekend, and "if I'm not here when you get here, don't freak, I promise I'll be here by 10:30 and we'll have some snuggle time, how's that?"....so, I don't know if that's good or not?
It sounds like he's offering reassurances. Take them at face value. If he was really that deep in OW-stuff (ew), he wouldn't even be trying to be nice. Know what I mean?
Quote: How do you think your actions might change if instead of viewing h as a "bottomless pit for affirmation" you viewed him as someone for whom WOAs were of primary importance and critical to feeling loved?
I am always amazed at your talent for rephrasing! But this is a very important question in my sitch, I believe, so I'm going to spend some time thinking on it here.
How would i respond if I recognized that this was perhaps his primary LL and critical to him feeling loved? when you put it that way, the answer is easy and clear, I would look for EVERY opportunity to express admiration and appreciation...this would include: --tuning into every little thing he does for me, no matter how small, no matter how much it seems like he "should" do them, and expressing gratitude and appreciation for them... --making a point of mentioning things about him that I find appealing as often as possible...several time each day..."filling his cup" so to speak... --I would not hesitate to make overt gestures of admiration/appreciation...like sending little cards, thank-you notes, etc., --I would even occassionally "set things up" to have him so some little thing so I could thank him...I did a little bit of that this weekend, and didnt get a negative result. I'll post a little later about that. I am going to make this a concerted effort, and see what the results are...what is an appropriate amount of time that I might commit to this? REALLY go all out for say, 6 weeks and then reassess, but watching to stop immediately if he responds negatively??????
One of my concerns is that in my "study" of mlc, pressure on my part is a big no-no. I'm not quite sure how to express admiration/appreciation without it coming across as pressuring...what makes it pressure and not affirming? that is not at all clear to me, and it's a big concern.
I'm thinking also here about AOS...acts of service...Am I correct in recalling from 5LL that we tend to speak to others in our own LL? if so, wouldnt his doing little things like warming the car for me be an act of service? and so to interpret that fact that he does that for me as it being something that speaks "love" to him would be on target, right? So then "acts of service" would be another way to show love??????As I think about it, he generally does express appreciation for "acts of service" that I do..
Within the last month or so, H has been turning on the garage and porch light when I'm gone after dark ( I ALWAYS try to make sure "THE LIGHT'S ON" when he's gone) but I'm surprised how comforting and welcoming this feels, and it is a new behavior on his part...I am going to make sure I thank him for this, and mention how good it feels.
I did manufacture some opportunities to tell him thanks this weekend...I couldnt get a jar open, and normally I'd have fought with it until I did, instead I took it to H and asked him to do it, thanked him and told him I appreciated it when he did. I was hanging a shelf in the basement, and I asked him to put in the eye bolts (heavy duty shelf) and thanked him for doing it...I could have done it, and normally would have again fought it until I did, but I decided it was an opportunity to thank him, and a chance to help him invest a little in the basement cleaning project without too much pressure...I also told him how great it feels to snuggle up to him at night in bed (very true, it's now one of my favorite things in the whole world...I can't believe I deprived myself of this enjoyment all these years...he seems to like it as much as I do...snuggled up next to a nice warm hunk under a down comforter on cold nights...oh, yeah)
I'm thinking i'm going to write a thankyou note for somethings this after noon and put it in his lunch tomorrow...not a love note, a note of appreciation. I havent done any for a long time because of the "pressure" concern.....
Hi Nevanna, I think we were posting at the same time...
OK, duh, this makes sense, and this is where the "no expectations" comes into play again, huh? acknowledging the "good stuff" is different than doing it to get a response from him...that does makes sense. Did I know that at one point and forget it?
In response to your post from Friday, I can do the crazy making can't I? Actually, it did occur to me sometime in the late morning that he had been offering reassurances...I hadnt considered that he wouldnt be trying to be nice if he was deep in ow crap, though...now that you mention it, he wasnt nice when he was, for the most part he was cold and distant and grudging and resentful. Sends shivers up my spine to think of it.
Wonder how much of H's pulling away is because you think something is up, instead of you thinking something is up because he's pulling away...know what I mean? 