Ok, had to take a "break" to do some work....It's even kinda hard to piece together in my mind all that happened...Christmas eve day we were exhausted from no sleep the night before....not much happened, I recall conciously deciding to let go at least for the day. We had planned to go to 5:30 Mass, and around noon H asked if I thought we should go to 4 instead...I asked why, and he said because "she and her family always go to 5:30", I remember replying "and I might cry?" and H said "I don't want her to ruin our christmas eve"...so we went then and did have a good evening....christmas day was good, we went out to in-laws in evening....S stayed all night there...day after christmas, somehow the s--t hit the fan again, I don't remember all that was said; I know H was blaming me for every thing and reiterating about how miserable he's been since forever and it's all my fault. At one point was griping about how I focused too much on my job when we were first married...how the person who took it after I left didn't, the employers didnt like it but look at her now, she has an important position....I replied that yes, she does now, after she dumped her H's cheating butt and finished her Ph.D.. H got this weird look on his face, said that's it that's problem, I've stood in the way of your personal ambitions, I'll buy out your share of the house and you can get on with what you've always wanted....I didnt say much, pretty much ignored it, but I have to say I have clicked over the $ in my mind a couple of times and thought "yeah, that would work" and the "freedom!" has rang through my head a couple of times. H got upset because of the books I've been reading (you and your H's midlife crisis is the latest) and said that it just one more sign to him that I am blaming the whole sitch on him and not taking responsibility for my part....I told him I've owned and admitted my part, and that frankly I take exception to his monitoring my reading materials, that I find that to be controlling to the point of bordering on abuse....that I'll read what i please and it's none of his business...that caught him off guard, he actually looked flustered and said "oh"...then launched into how I've emotionally abused him for years....I did not validate, frankly, told him he was entitled to his perception and that was obviously it, but that I had never intended to be abusive, felt I was trying to be supportive, and had no clue what he was talking about...he pi---d and moaned that I'd promised to lose weight and still needed to (yeah, duh, it doesnt seem to happen over night for me, and I only starve on alternate days)..... I am kind of ashamed of my self for the fit I threw...I was MAD....and I didnt give a damn if he liked it or not....I called ow every name in the book and referred to her infected body parts, told H I was mad as hell about getting not 1 but 2 sti's from his "friend"...he accused me of blaming him "you got an infection that everybody gets and blame me for it"...set him straight on that one...he actually hung his head and said "I don't know about that one"...I told him I was sure nurse ow could fill in the details for him.
H said he didnt know how much longer ow would be working where we do, because "they" are trying to fire her and have her on a corrective action plan and "it's just not fair"....In my compassionate spirit, I yelled "how long does it take them to get rid of the disease ridden w---e" and then we discussed the meaning of that word....ah yes, a pleasant day after christmas. The fight orginated over him being evasive over his plans to go hunting the next day;
H went to lift weights about noon (in the basement) and I decided I'd had it, packed a big suitcase with about 4 days worth of clothes, left a note that said I was truly sorry we'd come to this, that I did believe I still loved him, and came to the office (it was closed). Tried to get on the bb but the server was down, so I cleaned my desk and wrote a couple letters.... Went to pick up S at inlaws late in afternoon, talked with them about the sitch, and my belief that H was stringing me along with hunting plans; FIL knew nothing about the plans, H had told me he "probably" was going hunting with him (shouldnt be poking that bear, I know)MIL picked up the phone and called H and said his dad wanted to talk to him about hunting, H asked if I was there, FIL was evasive....I was so mad, that in the depths of poor judgement I even showed them a love letter from ow to h that I stole from him way back when....S and I left, came back to our town, I asked if he would like to go to a motel, he said no, he wanted to go "home to see Dad"...dumb question on my part... So we drove around and looked at Christmas lights for a couple of hours. went home about 9 pm....H was pretty weird that we'd been gone so long, asked me where I'd had supper, I told him I didnt (true, I had coffed while inlaws ate)...and he was really irritated about me "taking off all day like that" the next day, which would have been Monday....H stayed home (no hunting) monday and Tuesday, with talk of an out-of town hunting trip on Thursday....
Wednesday H went to his folks to cut firewood (I know he did this) S stayed at a friends Wednesday, and H suggested I pick up a "video" and "something to wear" while he was gone since we'd have the place to ourselves. Ever the sucker that I am, I picked up steak and shrimp and wine and some sexy lingerie...expected H home between 5 and 6 pm... I hopped in the shower about 5...phone rang and it was MIL, calling unsolicited (trying to help me out, I know) to tell me H had left about 1/2 hour before that, and that H had told her he WAS NOT going hunting the next morning.
My heart started pounding at that....H came home just after her call....made a point of taking me to the garage to see the firewood he brought home....I noticed his hunting clothes on a chair in the hall, and his shot gun out of the closet in the bedroom (it had been put away all day).....I couldnt act as if...my heart just fell....H said he'd eaten at his folks, so he wasnt hungry....he saw how disappointed I was, apologized; I told him it didnt matter. I felt like I was going down a drain....not too much later he started to talk about going hunting in the morning..... I called him on it. actually managed to be pretty matter of fact, not as emotional...told him his mother had called just before he got home, what she had told me....of course H went nuts, accused me of haveing his parents in on "it"...that he'd left it up to his dad to make the arrangements and he was going to check out my story with his mother....it made no sense to him that she would call unsolicited when she never had...and on and on and on....H was so furious that I knew I'd called it right....H stormed off to bed about 8:30...I left the house, drove around, trying to think what to do....came to the office and called MIL and asked her to NEVER admit to him that I'd confided in them...she swears she and FIL never will, laughed and said "let him" when I said h was going to call to check out my story, said "I'm anxious to hear his reason for needing to check" and said the last words they exchanged were as h was getting in his car to leave and she asked if they were going hunting in the morning and H said "no"....so again I knew...it was also weird, but adds up, that we were invited to SIL's newyears eve party, but H didnt want to go, "would rather stay home"...more of his plan to avoid me finding out that he didnt go hunting....he has done this before, as with MIL's valentines day dinner last year.
So, about midnight, I went home, went to bed...probably should have just gone to a motel. The next morning, H got up and fed critters, put away his shotgun, and came back to bed about 7:30...got up about 9, said he was going for a long walk to think things over..I said "what ever" but that I would really like to know what he expects me to do....H walked about 3 -4 hours, I guess he walked, I wouldnt be surprised if he called and had ow pick him up....when he got back, he said something to the effect of that he couldnt expect me to change????not sure what that meant. I asked what he expected me to do, how long he expected me to live with this, as I've told him I won't forever, and did he expect it to ever get over...H said "as far as I'm concerned it is over"...don't know what that means either.
H got in bed, we went to sleep for awhile both of us are pretty sleep deprived) and then later he initiated ml. I didnt turn him down, and we spent the whole afternoon...H commented that was what he'd looked forward to coming home to all the day before.
Since then, not much going on, we went to my folks Sat. & Sunday, and H went willingly after telling me 2X he wasnt going; I told him it was his decision, that I'd told my mom I didnt know if he was going or not, he said "thanks for asking"...
at some point in our fights over the weekend, I mentioned how depressed I'd been years back in our R, and H said "well you should have gotten help for your depression, do you have any idea what it's like to live with a depressed person?"....I looked him in the eye and said "yes I do" and he actually got big eyes and gulped and was quiet...he talked again about my changes not being real, that sometimes he reads my emails and thinks "well maybe...." I didn't respond to that bait....
I did ask him if he really had thought I'd never find out and there'd be no consequences for his little day-long jaunt w/ow, he said "well maybe, if you werent such a snoop....said he told her it wasnt a good idea and she had said it wasnt a good idea...
I told him he had an obvious need be a hero to a damsel in distress and I didnt know that I would ever fit that role very well....that if that is what he gets from her that he needs then that is where he needs to go... I asked him if he was planning to leave after the holidays and he said he hadn't been... he had his wedding ring off for 4 or 5 days, and I did ask him Friday or Saturday if he was planning on trashing it again, and he said no he wasnt, he'd had it off working out (excuses, excuses) but I noticed he did put it back on Saturday.....
So, I guess that's how I spent my christmas vacation. I'm not sure which end is up... I've had to emails from him today, not answered the last one...don't know what I'm going to do...I still love him, still want our M, but am not sure where I go from here.
I need to avoid knee-jerk reactions though, and proceed thoughtfully. I guess the first part of that is getting caught up on sleep so I can think straight. then I think I'll finish reading my 3 mlc books and see if I get any new insight, and keep proceeding with my weightloss/fitness and financial independence and decluttering goals....
I cant help but wish they'd fire the b---h here though!
However, along that line, can I say I am glad I've taken the high road and not said a word about ow/A to anyone other than my boss (who happens to be the director) and my office mate....I can see that if I had made the stink I felt like making so many times, it would be impossible for them to fire her butt!
