Hi dfb, it's good to hear from you! how are you these days?
It has taken me a long time (a year!) to get to the point, but I am slowly getting to the point where yes, I am going to do more than just exist. I NEED to do that. I'm starting, very slowly, to work on that. It is something i seem to have to do in baby steps...just getting my hair done was huge...I mean, it cost a lot of money, took a lot of time...this is a complete turn around for me to do this...completely out of character...
I held off on the email, and just a bit ago I got one from H, saying he is busy trying to get paperwork done so he doesnt have to do it while we're off over Christmas...I actually feel proud of myself for NOT emailing him!
I've had so many thoughts running through my mind the last few days... --I believe H has this need to be seen as a good guy, a knight out to rescue a damsel in distress....ow is GREAT at playing that role...big time...needy, needy, needy...can't manage to put food on her table, start her lawn mower, and on and on and on...I am NOT like that....never have been, and the last couple of days i've been considering....where/how does a person be true to themselves, and yet not deny his need to feel important? Then again, he does complain when he feels I'm "clingy", so perhaps her distressed damsel routine wears thin with time????
We just got our family pictures back, and I've noticed H looking at them several times one is of just me and the kids, and I swear I see him looking at that one the most. Don't know what that means. I was looking at them myself, and I was struck by our appearance, even with all that this past year has brought, I am laughing, the kids are laughing, and it is kind of a "glowing" kind of laugh if I say so myself....I was struck that H is smiling and looks genuinely happy, but he sure looks tireder and older than I do. Interesting.
