Hi dfb, it's good to hear from you! how are you these days?
It has taken me a long time (a year!) to get to the point, but I am slowly getting to the point where yes, I am going to do more than just exist. I NEED to do that. I'm starting, very slowly, to work on that. It is something i seem to have to do in baby steps...just getting my hair done was huge...I mean, it cost a lot of money, took a lot of time...this is a complete turn around for me to do this...completely out of character...
I held off on the email, and just a bit ago I got one from H, saying he is busy trying to get paperwork done so he doesnt have to do it while we're off over Christmas...I actually feel proud of myself for NOT emailing him!
I've had so many thoughts running through my mind the last few days... --I believe H has this need to be seen as a good guy, a knight out to rescue a damsel in distress....ow is GREAT at playing that role...big time...needy, needy, needy...can't manage to put food on her table, start her lawn mower, and on and on and on...I am NOT like that....never have been, and the last couple of days i've been considering....where/how does a person be true to themselves, and yet not deny his need to feel important? Then again, he does complain when he feels I'm "clingy", so perhaps her distressed damsel routine wears thin with time????
We just got our family pictures back, and I've noticed H looking at them several times one is of just me and the kids, and I swear I see him looking at that one the most. Don't know what that means. I was looking at them myself, and I was struck by our appearance, even with all that this past year has brought, I am laughing, the kids are laughing, and it is kind of a "glowing" kind of laugh if I say so myself....I was struck that H is smiling and looks genuinely happy, but he sure looks tireder and older than I do. Interesting.
Deb - I'm doing good, thanks! I'll update soon, maybe tomorrow on my own thread.
That is great that you did the hair. As far as being true to yourself - I think it's nice to let a guy open the door, and I let H hold bags if he really wants to (well, sometimes anyway). But I'd never let him do everything, even if he wanted to. I think that your H would grow weary quickly if he was with OW if she was that needy. I would NOT become a complete damsel in distress for a man. Did you see the film Ever After? She didn't need rescuing, and I don't think that most men want a clingy, needy female. I think most men like to feel they are protecting their woman, taking care of her to some degree - but a clingy woman would suck the life blood out of them.
Just be yourself. If your H wants to do something nice for you, that is great - but don't have him do EVERYTHING for you. Be your own woman.
Hi Nevanna, Yeah, I probably just need to do that simple thing. My stupid cell phone seems to run down really fast though, but I could have it on part of the time anyway....
Hi again dfb...I can't turn into a helpless wimp, I don't know how...although I think I need to work on letting go of some control.... H does hold doors open for me most of the time, and I always tell him thanks...I think it's sweet, although I know some women would be offended. I try to tell him thanks for a lot of little things he does. But I have trouble with the big time dependence stuff....I know ow chewed him out this fall because she needed help with her mother, thought she had a blood clot in her leg and ow had to carry her to the car, ow called h and evidently he wasnt around...duh...call an ambulance; summer before last h mowed her lawn because she could never start the lawnmower...duh....get a neighbor kid to do it or show you how....H took her new washing machine to her house....duh...the store she got it from has free delivery; h gave her money because she had an overdraft - duh, get a loan from relatives here in town or bank at a bank w/od protection; H gave her money because she hadnt eaten in days....duh, buy a few cans extra when you get paid so there's something in the cabinet, or get a sandwich from her mother or sister...the list goes on and on
The thing is, this is all so manipulative...and evidently H can't see it! It makes me want to barf!
However, I have to laugh, even H would say I can take care of things...tomorrow I'll have to tell about the time he went hunting and came home to a new dishwasher that I installed. Gotta go get S right now!
Sorry I missed you today. Honey, you are doing great! You just keep GAL and watch things fall into place.
Quote: H is back to initiating ML....don't have a clue why he was "out of it" or why he's back...????
You don't need to have a clue...just enjoy it to the fullest when it happens and , hmmmmm, take a breather and rest up for the next time when it doesn't. How's that? Sometimes we just waste too much precious time trying to figure out the "why's" of a situation. Take some time (especially the holidays) to just go with the flow.
Quote: So I have made a concentrated effort to be "backed off"....actually I was gone a good deal of the weekend trying to finish the christmas shopping I've let go...so I was home very little. H got home from doing xmas shopping on Friday early in the afternoon, made a big point of telling me he was home as he'd said he would be...and sometime that day mentioned that he hadnt gone the Friday before because he knew it would upset me (ow was gone to a workshop; H was at home)...I never made any mention of ow/workshop, but obviously H knew without me saying that I knew and that it would be on my mind.
Do you see how these two things could be linked? You're backing off and GAL. He's noticing, getting a little nervous and then saying something that he thinks will please you. This is positive. Do you see the value in GAL? It has value not only for you but for your marriage too!
As for your hair.....I get mine done every 6 weeks like clockwork! It is something that I do just for me. I will never give that up. How many things do you do that are just for you Deb? Probably not many. If you enjoyed it....then by all means keep doing it!
This week is very hectic for me but I will try to check in with you tomorrow. PLEASE keep up the excellent work!
I thought I'd finish my dishwasher story before I post about "goings on"...I don't know, maybe I am way to "get it done" or have been in the past...you know, 2 oldest, both used to being "the boss" is supposed to be a bad combo...anyway, when S was about 1, H was gone on a day-long hunting trip. I felt kinda stuck at home with the baby, but ok, UNTIL I turned on our old dishwasher and it started leaking rusty water all over the floor. As I mopped up the water, I kept thinking "what's wrong with this picture"?, decided I knew what was wrong and enough was enough....I went to the store, bought a new dishwasher, went home and unintalled the old one, actually dragged the damn thing out of the house, the new one was delivered about that time, I figured it had to go in the same way the old one had come out, so I installed it. H came home that night and saw the old dishwasher sitting out to be hauled off, the new one was running when he walked in, and his mouth dropped open. He was literally speechless. It's still an item of discussion from time to time!
Hi Dawn, I just missed you! well, hopefully we can make connections tomorrow. I always appreciate your input SO much! I have to say, I agree with your statement that I probably don't do much just for me...I have someone come in and vacum and dust every 2 weeks, occasionally buy a CD, but not much else really. I like my hair, although I can never get it to do what the "pros" can...I do have to say that by the time it was done Friday, I was ready to leave, kind of at the "ok, that's enough, get your hands off me" point....it was interesting, as it turns out, the gal who did it is from H's little home town, doesnt know H, but used to do my MIL and SIL's hair! Frankly, when she found out who MIL was, (you know, the Atomic one!), my hair turned into a major project! anyway, I did reschedule for 6 weeks, I just won't mention to H what it costs.
Last night was kinda weird...S had to be at his concert earlier than expected, and of course that's the night H gets home late....I thought H seemed kinda "uptight", but didnt pay a lot of attention...at the concert, it was so nice to have him sit by me...I kept thinking of how sad I'd felt by myself before. It was also nice to be able to fit comfortably into the chairs!!!! We took seperate vehicles, and H said he had to leave right after the concert, and hurried off (he did need to work on a garage door he somehow messed up)...I was taken by surprise but just said "ok, catch you later, we'll be along soon"...S & I got home about 40 minutes later, and H hadnt started on the door...he came downstairs from the bedroom when we walked in...so, probably on the phone w/ow...but I ignored it. I did think he acted kinda sad in the evening, kinda withdrawn, but frankly, anymore I'm almost relieved when he does because I've come to realize that as a rule, that is a good indicator that there's trouble in paradise...
later in the evening, I thought H had gone to work on the door, I was in the laundry room, and asked S if his dad was working on the door, S said he thought so, and I commented "I wonder if he needs help"...then I said "well, I guess he's a big boy, so I should leave him alone unless he asks for help"....and of course about the time I shut my mouth H walks out of the bathroom that adjoins the laundry...oops....but he didnt seem upset. Lord knows he could have heard me say worse...
He's here in this office today, w/ow, and I did have some irritation when I was coming in from a meeting at noon and saw her car in the lot, thinking they were probably having lunch together. I've had NO email from him at all today, which is the 1st time in MONTHS...but I'm just staying backed off and trying to stay cool, calm and collected. Actually, I'm leaving for the day as soon as I finish this. So, we shall see....my hope is that there is trouble in paradise...
Oh, yeah, we were talking this morning before work, and H commented about a female co-worker who is so into herself there is literally no room in her life for anyone/thing else...H commented she is "another fine product of South High" (ow's hi school)...kinda hit me, because ow is the only other "product" I know of he'd have been referring to. H was talking about the outlook "gals that age" have nowdays....it was interesting, I commented "huh, that is new to me, I wasn't aware of that being a prevailing attitude today. I wonder how I missed it, just being 12 years older? and H said, "I don't know, but I'm sure glad you did"...I took that as a positive. H left the house this morning while I was still upstairs for the 2nd day in a row....more of staying backed off...I only hope it works!
I had the weirdest dream last night, but need to pick up S, so I'll try to write it down tomorrow.
ouch! i feel like i'm back sliding big time today....emotionally that is. I'm having a very hard time...H is really irritable this morning, called me "lazy" and all kinds of nasty little digs...last night when he got home he was pleasant and chatty, however. He did suggest last night that I call in sick to work today....????? warning sirens always go off when he does that; then he tells me this morning he may not have time to email or respond to email because he is so busy; Then he tells me he may be late getting home tonight...because he has christmas shopping to finish up. I did ask how late he was thinking so I would "know what to expect as far as having supper ready"...and he said "maybe 45 minutes; I guess I can call if it's going to be later than that"... I always believe something is up with him and ow when he starts suggesting I call in sick at work....plus his other actions lean toward making me think that. I bet if I check the computer, ow is off today....H may have taken off and not be in out of town office, but I hate to even check. I hate to even walk over to the other building and see that she is not there; (I will have to go over there soon).
HELP....I could really use any words of wisdom anyone has out there. I thought I was making so much progress towards detaching the last couple of weeks and then this hits and I feel like it's back to square one.
I keep trying to tell myself it really doesnt matter. That eventually that is going to blow over, that it is blowing over/out, but it seems to me as though it is taking forever and a month. If I was really detached and focused on what I need to do, it wouldnt matter.... I have so much I want to do with my life, and I am trying to focus my attention on those issues today, but am REALLY struggling with not being upset.
Question: from everything I have read/studied, all indications are that if H was going to leave, he would have been long gone by now. Does anyone here have an opinion on that? Concur or not?
In "not just friends" it says "the odds greatly favor the marriage IF BOTH partners can be patient".
HELP....need words of wisdom, or 2X4, or whatever.....
How's that? Sometimes we just waste too much precious time trying to figure out the "why's" of a situation. Take some time (especially the holidays) to just go with the flow.