BTW, the mirroring (in my case) might have worked. I got an anniversary gift and am getting ready to go out to dinner. And here I had completely forgotten that it was our anniversary today. Goof.
Anyway the lesson here is that it is possible to wait them out!
i've not had a minute to post today, but thought I'd jump on now to report on last night....It was truly weird. I never know what to make of H....
I made careful plans to be gone from home when H got there, and to keep my hair appointment tomorrow a secret...I swear, something in the cosmos must have been at work or else when I asked God to take over the mess he did, because nothing went as I planned it.
I rushed when I got off work to get away before H got home, but EVERYTHING was against me, S12 drug his feet, traffic was slow, anyway, I was just getting ready to run out the door when H comes in...he was 5 minutes early. He seemed friendly enough, I had left him a note that said I had things to take care of and would see him later, he picked it up, read it, and said "oh", then he wanted to know if I would be home before S got out of the party....(yes, the ow alert went off big time) but I grabbed the opportunity to db and said "perkily" (i really hate that word, but anyway) "no, I really had planned to do somethings, besides you have plans"....I thought h actually seemed kind of surprised, then the devil got the best of me and I said "although I could make arrangements to be around for some naughtiness"....H just sighed and said "I'm tired, but maybe we could sit on the couch and watch tv a little when you get home"...I told him that would be fun, he commented he'd have to give up his favorite chair to sit on the couch but he'd do it... so I told him "OK, catch you later" and left. S and I got home about 3 hours later, and H was in his chair watching tv when we came in. I sat down on the couch, and H got up on his own and got me a soda and came and sat beside me.
When we went to bed, H grabbed me...after weeks of nothing...and initiated ML....and we actually spent a couple of hours. I have no clue what brought this on....he's had practically no interest at all for the last 2 weeks, and not been able to perform anyway....WTF?
This morning, I told him I had fun last night, and asked him what got him so inspired...he said he didnt know, sometimes he isnt in the mood, sometimes he is, and sometimes he REALLY is...I laughed and told him he'd REALLY be in trouble if he gave me an answer to that question, and he said he knew that....he mentioned "see what happens when there's no pressure" , and said "we'll have to do that again soon".... Of course, the huge question in my mind is, is this a coincidence, or is it a result of my distancing???????? weirdly, after being a terrible grump for the last 3/4 days, and really gritchy for 2 weeks before that, he's in a good mood today, although complaining about his work load.
Of course, I still have the gnawing fear in the back of my mind that he's cheerful because things are better w/ow....he was complaining about how hard the nursing staff gets worked here this morning....but I don't know if his sudden renewed interest in sex and would be related to that or not...
Anybody have any guess as to what this could all mean? Is it possible that I could be so lucky that backing off more worked right away???????????????
H stopped by my office for a minute before he left this evening, and interestingly, I found myself sitting on the edge of my desk and talking with him rather than hugging him, etc., so maybe it will be easier to stay backed off than it seemed.
Oh yeah, I mentioned the cosmos being against my plans to make him wonder what I was up to...when I got home, he mentioned there was a message on the answering machine to remind me of my hair appointment tomorrow....now is that ironic or what???? talk about the best laid plans going astray... I'm going to have it colored and highlighted, and I havent told H that though....maybe I'll ask if they can do something dramatic but sophisticated....is there such a combination???? I could go blonde, but since ow's already done that, I think not....
I must be having my own mlc, because I've been thinking maybe I'll get one of those temporary tatoos and put in on my rear and see if H notices.
I have to say I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm finding myself again....to bad I got so lost for so long...hopefully I can find the "real me" and still keep my improvements!
Last night when I got home, S said that he thought his dad had called ow because he came up from the basement looking "really mad" although S heard no raised voice/cursing as he often does....sigh, enough alread, I just wish is could really be over.
H is planning to be gone xmas shopping for a good part of the day, so we won't get to have lunch together, which I look forward to...I asked about his schedule and he was a little reactive to it, asked "why", Later he inititaed ml, which surprised me, but then he commented that he thought he'd better, was trying to be loving since he would be gone today. I am not interested in "guilt sex", and I didnt say anything other than to tell him it's not all about sex....but that really bugged me and today I feel kind of down about it. This morning I told him I wanted him to be with me because he wanted to, not out of guilt...he said he did want to, although sometimes it felt like checking in with the parole officer ....I put my hands on his face, looked him in the eye, and said "I want you to be HERE (meaning living home with me) ONLY if it's because you chose that is where you want to be, and not because of guilt" H actually looked me right back in the eye and said "I am here because I chose and want to be" with emphasis.... I don't know, I feel kind of down for some reason right now...not sure why....
I see that I really don't want him to be pining and longing to be with ow but staying with me out of guilt... I dont' know, i've been doing pretty well the lat week or so but am just too tired to deal with this right now.
Hi Ellie... Yeah, I'm sure you're right and I needed to hear that. Darn rope keeps reaching out and grabbing me. Seriously though, I agree absolutely with you...it's just the DOING it that gets tough for me...
I have reminded myself several times of something that was said on the Mars/Venus tape, that even though a guys efforts may seem "fake" or stiff, if he's making any effort at all to meet a woman's needs, it is probably sincere. It seems "stiff" because new behaviors are awkward at first.
I will never know what to do/how to play this chess game... H is back to initiating ML....don't have a clue why he was "out of it" or why he's back...???? He did comment Friday, I think I posted about it, that he sometimes felt like he was checking into his parole/probation officer , So I have made a concentrated effort to be "backed off"....actually I was gone a good deal of the weekend trying to finish the christmas shopping I've let go...so I was home very little. H got home from doing xmas shopping on Friday early in the afternoon, made a big point of telling me he was home as he'd said he would be...and sometime that day mentioned that he hadnt gone the Friday before because he knew it would upset me (ow was gone to a workshop; H was at home)...I never made any mention of ow/workshop, but obviously H knew without me saying that I knew and that it would be on my mind.
So, I am TRYING to drop the rope and focus on me...actually, Friday evening I spent 3 hours and an obscene amount of money having my hair professionally colored for the 1st time ever....H was pretty antsy when I got home, and wanted to know if that REALLY was the only place I went.... I like my hair...the gal did a "foil weave" and it's --get this--dark brown with blonde highlights....interesting change for me...H hasnt said much about it, except he did want to know what it cost. I have to admit I only told him what the hair cost, I didn't mention the cost of the shampoo/conditioner/clarifier and waxing....which the hair was about 1/2 of the total, and he still had a conniption.
S and I were gone Xmas shopping for about 5 hours yesterday, and H was doing his talk about calling the hospitals when we got home....I wonder if it even enters his head that I'm busy, and not worried about what he is/isn't doing w/ow?
So, now I need advice.... I havent had any email at all today from him, which is VERY unusual....should I play it cool and ignore him, or should I send him one? The DB coach did say maybe he needed to be a little less comfortable....yet I know he is so needy as far as affirmation, etc.
S has his musical program at school tonight, and H commented Saturday that "I won't miss this one for anything" and was asking me when it was because he was afraid some how he'd missed it...this really struck a chord with me as before H missed so many of them, he had to work on those evenings and would never take off. I always felt so sad sitting there alone. Not to mention how poor S felt. I'd like very much to think this is a good sign, and not just H's guilt coming into play.
Quote: S and I were gone Xmas shopping for about 5 hours yesterday, and H was doing his talk about calling the hospitals when we got home....I wonder if it even enters his head that I'm busy, and not worried about what he is/isn't doing w/ow?
Do you take a cell phone with you, and can he ring you? You can tell him in a cheerful way what you are up to, what you have just bought or whatever, right? Or you can ring back to touch base, maybe disguise it as asking him if he wants something, whatever.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
yes, I have a cell phone w/me, although I ususally have it turned off. Maybe I should try calling him again; I've been hesitant because I've done it before and been accused of checking up on him........ I don't know if it's mlc stuff or what, but he may respond in a completely opposite manner from one day to the next.
I find it interesting that he quizzed you on where YOU went when he said that he felt like he was checking in with a probation officer. He wants to have some control of you, but not the other way around.
I think you need to not worry about the emails. If he wants to, he will. If not, don't write to him. As far as him being needy - he obviously is, if he has two women.
Keep focusing on yourself - and don't like cater to him and such. Go out, let him know about when you'll be home and call if you'll be significantly late. Otherwise just do your thing.
Deb - I have one other thing to say. I know that you've spent so much time thinking about what to do about your H this year. I know that this past year, even before I got back together with the ex-b who is now my H, that I really wanted to start living my life, and not existing. I am glad with the way things turned out in my situation, but I was getting ready to really move on. Not just with other guys, but to make my life feel like it was really counting for something. Volunteering, looking at travelling again (I was going to get a better job), just making sure life was really meaningful. There are two things you can really count on in your life right now - okay, three. Yourself, your son, and God. Your H is a variable that you can't count on. You don't know what he'll do, and you can't control him one way or the other.
Do what you enjoy NOW. Find your hobbies, travel, spend great time with your son. I wish I had done it sooner, but I was working on it. Make sure you are doing what you can to make your life really count, and if your H wants to join you, make room. If not, then that is his problem.
Off of my soapbox. Don't worry about whether he emails you or not - go ahead and email and write to those who you care about who may want to hear from you.
And here I had completely forgotten that it was our anniversary today. Goof.
, and said "we'll have to do that again soon"....
I am not interested in "guilt sex", and I didnt say anything other than to tell him it's not all about sex....but that really bugged me and today I feel kind of down about it. This morning I told him I wanted him to be with me because he wanted to, not out of guilt...he said he did want to, although sometimes it felt like checking in with the parole officer 
....I put my hands on his face, looked him in the eye, and said "I want you to be HERE (meaning living home with me) ONLY if it's because you chose that is where you want to be, and not because of guilt" H actually looked me right back in the eye and said "I am here because I chose and want to be" with emphasis....
, So I have made a concentrated effort to be "backed off"....actually I was gone a good deal of the weekend trying to finish the christmas shopping I've let go...so I was home very little.