The results of the cycle are that my H stays the same, the M stays the same and the cycle repeats. Unless I start doing differently that will always be the case. The hardest part is that I can really only change myself and watch and see what happens next.
Karen, has your H done anything meaningful to bridge the gap? Also, what have you tried? Sounds like it's a bust so far, just trying to get an idea in general terms for my reference in case I hit a wall.
It is a bust so far to this extent - sex continues to be at my initiation on approximately a once per month schedule, his expressions of desire are fleeting at best.
Here is the part that isn't a bust - I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt and requesting a sex schedule. That ball is currently in his court. If he chooses not to set a schedule I have let him know that I will initiate based upon my own physical and emotional needs. His reaction will let me know how seriously he takes the M. In other words, I am taking responsibility for myself and my emotions and not getting them intermingled with his.
The other part that isn't a bust is that H knows there is a problem. We are seeing a C together. Also, we have a very good, very positive marriage in every other way.
It is a one step at a time process. I have just recently gotten whacked on the head enough to understand that the longer I keep being the relationship monitor, the more my H doesn't have to be responsible for himself. In fact, when I concentrate on monitoring I am not really being responsible to myself. I am setting the boundaries and trying to maintain confidence that I can do that and stay close with my H at the same time.
Karen, you mentioned something that is a key element of the disconnect between me and the W, "physical and emotional needs". I get the impression LD's don't connect the two, maybe since they don't long for the emotional attachment that goes along with the act. I was getting to this yesterday when the A-bomb detonated, still don't have an answer. Is this your impression or have you ever asked your H about this?
Quote: Also, we have a very good, very positive marriage in every other way.
BEWARE. This is almost always a lie you are telling yourself. To illustrate this think about what your reaction would be if you had a friend who said "Well, Hubby hits me when I get too sassy every once in a while, but other than that we have a great marriage.". If this seems like a poor analogy consider the fact that there were probably many, many women who thought this way back in the days when occasional wife beating was a more acceptable practice.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I know that you are correct in one sense. If all were perfect then the sexual arena would flow well like the rest of the M. On the other hand my H would tell you that we have a very happy M and that he feels very passionate toward me. The problem is that we don't necessarily see eye to eye on what constitutes those two things.
I don't believe that H holds out on sex as a passive-agressive punishment or anything fancy like that. I think he does squelch natural desire in favor of other things and has little experience with intimate relationships (I am the first woman he ever lived with, the first whom he has been with for more than a few months, the third he actually had sex with). He also lets too many things get in the way and doesn't appreciate how important this aspect of the R is to me (since it isn't to him). These are coupled with the fact that I am not perfect (hard to imagine, I know) and don't always speak his LL, sometimes emotionally withdraw for my own reasons and have my own shortcomings and fears. These are the reasons we have a SSM. I have come to the conclusion that I need to renegotiate and work on this aspect of the R. That doesn't mean that we the areas in which we do well are an illusion.
Quote: Also, we have a very good, very positive marriage in every other way.
From Jenny:
Quote: BEWARE. This is almost always a lie you are telling yourself.
Ahh, but the key word there is “almost”. I’ll admit that I may be deluding myself, but I absolutely believe that W and I have a very good, very positive M in every other way. You know my/our story – W has a problem with sex, not a problem with desire, not a problem with intimacy, not a problem with me. She has a problem with sex. I seriously doubt that I’ll ever know if any actual molestation ever took place, but regardless of whether it did or not, something preceding me instilled an extreme aversion to sex into her.
I strongly suspect that in an overwhelming percentage of cases, sexual problems in a M are just a reflection of other problems. But there are cases where the sex problems are nothing but sex problems, I suppose that you could make a case for W’s unwillingness and/or inability to discuss the cause of her distaste for sex as being another problem in the M, but I don’t think so. As of yesterday, we’ve been married for 29 years. I’ve known her for a long time. We’ve talked about this until we’re blue in the face – both privately and with a couple of C’s. One can never assume to speak for someone else, but based upon what I know, what I’ve heard, and what I’ve observed, I really don’t think W knows the source of the problem. Whatever it is, it’s either so far back that she doesn’t remember it on a conscious level, or it’s something so horrible that she’s blocked it out.
Like yourself, my H and I have an excellent M in every other way. I know this to be the case. I'm not really sure what demons my H confronts regarding sex/desir but I have finally learned that they are his. I know what I need in the R. If he has to self confront to get closer to a compromise then that is up to him. If he desires help to work through his issues I'll help. What I won't do is sit idly by and let this situation fester - more on this on my own thread.
I share your sitch. I found some good comments from others in here. I agree that saying 'the marriage is good in every other way' is probably a lie. I say that to my LDW. But she doesn't agree. I think it is true.
I had a nasty PA about 4 yrs ago. We went to C and things got better. Then there was an incidnet where I ran into the OW and nothing happened, but I did have a conversation (I am really happy with my W and I am where I want to be). W was not very happy about this in any way. So the last 3 yrs have been a struggle.
I would like to say there is a simple approach, but I have yet to find it. In my case, there is the PA and possibly physical issues with my W that reduce her libido. Recently I got hurt, tried to get turned on, but in the end ended up hurt, that she was masterbating and I was thinking - 'hey i am a willing partner, you don't need to go it alone!'
Anyhow. I am in a situation with many facets. I don't know what to do. She says she needs to feel close to me before she can ML. I think if she gives the 'a-bomb' there is a more behind your problem.
I would love to know if this works. We both say we want things and I know she loves me. I need to find out how to move things with out being so impatient. Staying forceful and insistent can backfire.
There are 3 sides to every situation: yours, mine and the truth. Knowing the difference is the key.
