Yes, I do recognize this as abuse, and I do know about the cycle, that's why I'm so reluctant to start the whole 'pressure' thing again. I've been spending time as well on a BB for woman in abusive sitch. At least there I can look around and say, hey, at least I don't have to deal with 'that'! once in a while.
Lillie, Lou,
I wonder about the wisdom of using analogies with H. I could try...and it might work, might not.
Thing is, if this is an abusive situation, joint C is not necessarily wise - could even make things worse. I could see H coming along, telling his story, I could have seen at the first C I saw, that H could have made it look like I was the one causing the problems. Not that I don't think I have some part in it, but I could see him making it look like he was the good guy, and then using the Cs words at home against me.
I suspect that the dynamics of abusive Rs are not well known here (in Finland). As I said, it's only been since the beginning of this year that it's possible to get a RO against someone living in the same household, hoping that that might help with the dramatic no. of DV cases. (there was a recent study that put Finland towards the bottom of the list in DV cases in Europe, but the truth is, most people here suffer in silence untill the woman end up in the hospital or worse).
I don't expect that H will get violent. I also don't expect that he will step up to the plate, but who knows, I could be wrong.
FF, I think you may be right about joint C. If he goes in there on his best behavior (what does that look like, BTW?), it may take many sessions until the C can see who he is. And he could very well use whatever he finds out to make your life more unpleasant at home. Usually C only works if both parties are willing. I like the idea of C as a haven for you-- a place to vent safely. Does your C know you are contemplating leaving him? Does she know how the laws work around there?
When my bf was drinking I read a board for families of alcoholics and I used to think often: "Well, at least he doesn't do THAT!" It helped me with my sanity, but it sure didn't make him any easier to live with.
When I would read about the stuff that some alcoholics did, like passing out in the front yard, or not coming home for days, or spending every bit of money on booze-- and the women (usually women, not always) stuck with them year after year, I would say to myself, "If he did those things, I would SURELY leave him!"
As it was, fate intervened, and he had the heart surgery. He was thinking that when he got out of the hospital, he would be one of those "glass of wine a day" people. At that point I KNEW I couldn't be with him if he touched another drop of alcohol. Something in me just snapped. I would be watching every night to see if he had more, I would feel like I was being kicked in the head every time he came home with that big brown paper sack. And I had no trouble saying to him-- while he was still in the hospital-- "I cannot be with you if there is any alcohol in the house." I may have only said it once, I don't remember. But I meant it with every fiber of my being. And he hasn't had any since (we did share a bottle of sake on my birthday at a sushi restaurant). (He is very proud of himself that he is facing all this job stuff with NO booze-- and he has said that he feels it calling to him, but he is committed to staying sober.)
I guess what I'm getting at with this story is that one day, something will happen, probably something small, and a big light bulb will go on over your head, and you will know with absolute certainty what you must do, AND you will do it without hesitation. You're continuing to work on yourself, to go inside and check your feelings, seeing the C-- do you pray? Praying might be good-- not praying to God to fix the situation (I don't believe in that kind of prayer), but praying for an open, aware heart and mind, so that you will know what to do when it is time to do it.
FF, this is kind of off topic regarding your R, but in our local Sunday paper, there was an article in the travel section about five girls who took a vacation in Finland recently. There was a map, and I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't know Finland was right smack up against Russia. (I had a girlfriend who was very bad at geography, and thought Mount Everest was in Alaska!) Have you been to Russia? particularly St. Petersburg? The look so close.
The girls in the article went to Jyvaskyla, Kuopio, Kihnio, and Rovaniemi on the Arctic Circle. They did lots of skiing--cross-country and downhill--, dancing, and drinking. They closed down most bars most nights. Overall, they loved the country and found it particularly beautiful at this time of year. This is the concluding paragraph from the article
Quote: Here is the thing about Finland, It is so easy to lose yourself here. To be numb with cold and to feel more alive than you ever have. In a quiet field of snow, in an unexpected blizzard, life gets suspended like the sunset. You wrap yourself in the frosty blue light and you stare out into the unknown with time to think whaever random thoughts enter your head. You have no plan, and you no longer feel as if you need one, You are free to discover a simple, unadulterated happiness. The best vacations are the ones that don't feel like a vacation from life, Suzy concluded. They feel like life itself. This is where Finland had led us.
Something about the cold makes me feel immobilized, and it doesn't even get all that cold where I live. I can see that when the outside is so hostile to warm-blooded life and you're kind of trapped inside, it might make you cling to comfort and feel very hesitant to rock the boat. My late husband lived in Alaska for a time, and said that you developed all kinds of strategies for making it through the winter. (A teacher I had once who grew up in New Orleans said they had all kinds of strategies for making it through the sweltering summer! )
Quote: Something about the cold makes me feel immobilized, and it doesn't even get all that cold where I live. I can see that when the outside is so hostile to warm-blooded life and you're kind of trapped inside, it might make you cling to comfort and feel very hesitant to rock the boat.
This is true even if you live in Michigan. It is natural to be more active in terms of all sexual matters when the weather is warm. For instance, it is hard for me to envision myself telling my H that I am going to go to the biker bar and take my chances if he isn't interested because I would then have to scrape off the car, wait for it to warm up, put on about 3 unsexy layers and worry about road conditions later in the evening. It would be much easier to just flounce out of the house in the spring.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Yeah, Finland can be pretty overwhelming. The summers are sublime, winter days like today ahs turned out, sublime as well. Bright, cold days like today are invigorating, but winter in general, can be very draining, numbing. It's not so much the cold, but the light, or lack of it. November in particular is downright disgusting. Usually there's no snow, just mud and dark
April's pretty nasty too. There's been a study done now that overworking yourself during the dark period causes stress problems in the spring. April has the highest rate of suicide in this country (which has one of the highest rates, along with Japan, in the world). It is a nasty month, it's pretty light, might even get warmish, but the snow is just melting, and it really feels like spring will never come. Finns actually start talking about spring in Feb., and when the sun starts coming out again it really does start to feel like spring, but we also get our coldest weather then, and it's not unusual at all to get major snow storms in March.
The dark is draining, but they say it's the light in the summer that drives people insane up north.
So, yes, there are days, even months of unbelievable beauty, but it's draining. And then, if we get a summer like last summer, with mostly rain...yuck.
) 