IHJ, you talked about setting goals, standing up to H, and especially applying the pressure is when this whole thing sort of blew up in my face - the week with my Dad, with H acting like a complete jerk (to the point that my Dad was ready to haul me onto the plane, and is still asking me when I'm filing for D), then as I continued, H pushes me in a strange convo, throws himself onto the floor in a screaming fit, not to mention yelling at the kids, and me.
And yet, here I am, thinking, he's almost been in a good mood the past few days, maybe I should give him a chance again.
I don't know how many times I've asked him to join me in C, though maybe I should continue asking, since last time he did give me a reason - he thought it was stupid to talk to a stranger about his problems. (I did point out that he was not even willing to talk to me about them.)
I know, I sound angry. I am. Angry, tired, and confused. And the worst of it is, I know full well that I could just go on like this, continue to run myself ragged, get joy from being with the kids, get what I can from my job, and pretend I don't really notice what I am missing.
I've sold myself short for far too long. Even staying here in a 'safe' country where opening your mouth to say 'hello' is seen as a bold, assertive act.
I can stand up to my H, I can't stand up to myself.
