Quote: This has become an ingrained habit over the years, one that I've resented for a long time, but done to keep the peace, so I do think it's about time that I put my foot down on it. (and it sounds really silly as I'm typing this out )
But H is very good at pushing my buttons, and gives me the whole puppy dog 'I don't feel loved' cr*p, and I find myself in a p/a sitch again, and mad at myself. I know I'm entitled to that anger, but it is my own damn fault for going against my integrity (and at the same time, feels ridiculous for making such a big deal over making lunch).
FF, I wince when I read those words that I've boldfaced... it's painful to see you discounting yourself. You said "I know I'm entitled to my anger" then cancel it out with "it's my own damn fault..." You have a LOT on your plate and you're handling it extremely well! I think one of the most important things you can do internally, regardless of what you decide to to externally, is to give yourself unconditional support.
Sometimes something that works for parents is to picture your child-- in this case, a daughter-- grown up and in your situation. If you were watching HER go through what you are going through, wouldn't you have unlimited love, compassion, and support for her? See if you can see yourself the same way.
As for waiting on him, maybe cutting out ALL meal preparation is too much to take on at this point and, as IHJ points out, will just muddy the waters. Maybe you decide that after dinner, when you're settled watching tv, from then until bedtime you're off duty, or some other version of the strike that you feel okay about.
You might also explore exactly why it feels "ridiculous." I jumped to the conclusion that you were discounting yourself, but maybe the feeling that it is ridiculous is accurate-- that he won't get the point after all, and you're just making things more complicated. Feel around and see if you can find an option that doesn't feel ridiculous.
Our C quotes Schnarch as saying that marriage is the perfect "people-making machine" meaning that in that crucible all of your buttons won't just get pushed, they'll get hammered... Your H is like an opponent in a martial arts contest, and he's trying to throw you off balance constantly. Your task is to stay centered and grounded no matter what he throws at you. Find a calm, clear place inside yourself where you can "go" mentally and refocus (FOCUSED flutist! ) when he tries to upset you.
Here's a good musical metaphor. I take guitar lessons, and the other day in class, I suggested to my teacher that two of the songs in our text might sound cool played together. So he played one, and I tried to play the other along with him, but hearing him play so distracted me that I kept losing my place.
Surely as a flutist, you play in ensembles from time to time. How do you FOCUS on your part, while still listening to the group play? If you can identify the technique you use to do this successfully, namely to hang on to your part, I'll bet you can use that same method or go to that same mental place when your H starts blaring loud tantrum music (or soft whiny music) that threatens to distract you from YOUR OWN song.
) when he tries to upset you. 