FF, it's okay to make him lunch if you want to, even if you're mad at him. Ask yourself if this really impinges on your integrity. If it does, then don't make lunch. If it doesn't, then do make lunch.

It does sound a bit from the snippets that you quote that you aren't really sure your anger is legitimate, so you kind of lop pebbles at him, instead of just letting him get out of bed and find that there is a boulder blocking the doorway.

I guess what I'm getting at is, unless you're trying to get his attention by going on strike, I would suggest you continue to do the normal stuff you do around the house, and if that includes making his meals, then it doesn't have to undermine your resolve.

If, on the other hand, you feel that making his meals really constitutes waiting hand and foot on someone who doesn't give a fig about your needs, then you might just come out and say, "Until I see some kindness and consideration from you, I can't in good conscience, keep performing the thankless task of cooking for you and doing your laundry. You're welcome to eat with me and the kids, but I won't be making separate meals anymore." And then don't say anymore about it; just don't do it.

I know this is incredibly distressing and scary, and frankly, I don't know if I could do what I'm suggesting you should do. I'm not all that good at communicating directly and cleanly in person. If I can write to them, it's much better. Provided they will actually read what I've written.

I'm reminded of a girlfriend of mine who used to get really mad at her mother when my friend was little-- I'm guessing she was around seven or so. She wasn't permitted to talk back to her mom, or even to show that she was hurt or angry. So my friend would go in her mom's closet and bite teeny, tiny holes in her mom's clothing. Just a couple at a time. It drove her mother nuts-- she couldn't figure out if they were moths or what. My friend never confessed, and her mom went to her grave not knowing.

Presumably we're grownups and don't have to be afraid of expressing negative things out loud to our partners, but there are times when I take the teeny holes approach. I get that "gotcha!" internal satisfaction and don't have to take any risk. But nothing changes.