FF, When I got to the point of somewhat not careing and somewhat Apathetic, most of the emotions in my conversation with my W almost disapeared. She noticed a change and made a comment about the change. I told her in a brotherly, instead of a spousal way, what I felt. Of course my W is a lot different than your H but she tells me what am really thinking when I tell her how I feel about a subject.
So, apathy on my part helped me not to feel bad when my W told me how i "REALLY" felt. I do not care how or what she said because I almost did not care. BTW it took 3 monts of not careing for W to say something about the change. I stayed friendly but backed off on the normal H/W talks. I know it is more difficult with children.
Weather related humor for all. When it's hot and sultry, is not the time for adultry. When the frost is on the pumpkin, it's time for peter dunkin.
(When it's (-22.00 degF = -30.00 degC)now what do I do?)
Quote: (When it's (-22.00 degF = -30.00 degC)now what do I do?)
Turn on the sauna!!
Thanks guys. I don't feel pressured, just a little confused, feeling there's nothing I can do but wait for H to step up to the plate, but wondering all the time what I can do to make him realize the severity of the sitch, without pressuring him. Feels like I need a zen master...
Lou, you've got us beat weather-wise, only -3C here. Still off to sauna though (with the kids, H begged out)
Quote: I don't feel pressured, just a little confused, feeling there's nothing I can do but wait for H to step up to the plate,
Just speculating... what would you do if you KNEW with absolute certainty that the would never "step up to the plate." I'm not saying he never will, but what if-- just play out the fantasy... what would you do?
If nothing's going to change? Get out. I'm not kidding when I say that I need now to find a way to support these 4. Things are fairly calm, and the kids ok right now, but I saw what they had to deal with over Christmas, and no kid should have to feel uncomfortable around their Dad.
What's the breaking point? I'm saying right now that when the need for me to get out is greater than the need for me to live in this house. Yeah, I'm pretty fused with my house . Meaning, there's immediate danger, or, I finally realize that it's more damaging for my kids and I to stay in this M long term. there's no way I can see myself making enough to stay here. I'm not willing to put in that kind of work, especially when my kids are young.
Yes, I'm ambivilant right now, but less so than I was a while back. Yes, I do hope that it doesn't come to that. And yes, I'm serious when I say that I may have to draw up D papers before H realizes how serious i am.
Quote: I'm saying right now that when the need for me to get out is greater than the need for me to live in this house. Yeah, I'm pretty fused with my house
Why do you have to leave the house? I'm pretty sure any judge would see the benefit of the kids staying in their house/neighborhood/school district, etc. I've read of arrangements here in the US where the kids stay in the house and the parents come and go depending on visitation. I know you're anticipating no cooperation from H, but what if a court insists?
Finland is a 50/50, no contest state. Meaning (I've spoken to a lawyer about this), I can get him out of the house if I file, and he's responsable for child support, untill the D is final. Then, he's entitled to half the house, and unless I can buy him out, he's entitled to compensation (from me) for living in the house.
Even if I could somehow get him to agree to let me live here, expenses on this place are large. We've only been here 5 yrs, and have a large mortgage (read living to the extent of our means ). It's a big place, a bear to heat (though I think we could do better than we do if we - read H - were willing to invest a little)
Our kids don't go to the neighborhood school, they go about 3mi away to an English immersion school in the center.
Court, as I understand it, won't insist on anything different unless there are extenuating circumstances, whatever that means, and it's not very likely.
Of course, I suppose we could try to come to some agreement, but I'm not counting on H to agree to much of anything if it comes to this
Oh, FF, I hurt for you. Do you have any idea how he's likely to react if and when you mention the D-word? Are there any D's in his family? Are his parents likely to be supportive of you?
OTOH, this may be the thing that finally gets his attention.
I am struggling with myself. H again the other morning reached over for a hug - and I sort of lost it, not really loud, but I did say 'Why is it that you are able to ask for a hug when you want, but ignore me when i say I'm unhappy, or need to talk to you about the kids, or I want a kiss' He just got mad, understandably, and got out of bed.
After HOM big time through Christmas to keep things calm, I'm getting fed up with myself sitting here. Ok, I have seen a C, and I've spoken with a lawyer, but I'm not really any closer to having any kind of plan than I was several weeks ago. I've talked to people, know what I can and can't do if things get messy - but then I just sit here.
As I'm back at work, there's not too much time that H and I are in the house at the same time. So it's all too easy to just let my M slowly rot...
H is obviously not any more comfortable with things as they are than am I, but I can't help but wonder if what we want are two completely different things. I guess I just have to do SOMETHING.
Lilie,
I don't really want to involve in-laws. FIL is very similar to H, + alcohol. MIL shows the effects of having to live with that for 40+ yrs.
We spend 3 mos living on in-laws floor in process of moving to where we are now - one night I had to take the girls and drive the hr. to our apt (which we thank goodness still had at that point) when FIL came after me (didn't hit me, but close. I was 3 mos pg w/twins at the time) after I sort of spoke up to him when he started yelling at my girls (then 3 + 1.5yrs) because they weren't eating their dinner - and I was sitting right there as well. Not eager to 'rock the boat' with him either.
I'm wondering if you have enough of a support system available for you. Do you have friends or advisors you can rely on to help you as you work your way forward? It seems like you'll have to be awfully brave to deal with this sich on your own.
Interestingly, my FIL is also much like my H, only worse, just like yours. My poor MIL has never been able to emotionally separate herself from him even though he left her almost 20 years ago. Just the other day he made her cry with an unkind remark on the telephone. At the depths of my despair last spring, I kept having the thought that I was becoming my MIL and I had to do whatever possible to save myself from the misery of that fate.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: H again the other morning reached over for a hug - and I sort of lost it, not really loud, but I did say 'Why is it that you are able to ask for a hug when you want, but ignore me when i say I'm unhappy, or need to talk to you about the kids, or I want a kiss' He just got mad, understandably, and got out of bed.
Please get this: it's NOT understandable for him to treat you this way. When you're hurting as much as you clearly are, it is not understandable for your H to get up and leave the room. This is cruel and wrong. You deserve comfort and kindness as much as anyone!
Don't start beating up on yourself because you're not actively DOING something about leaving, etc. right now. It's a huge step. You're just getting used to the idea. Once you're really clear, something may give on its own. Sometime things work that way. Just work on being clear and being kind to yourself. This means no mean, judgmental, put-down internal dialogue. You've got a LOT on your plate. (((((FF)))))
. Meaning, there's immediate danger, or, I finally realize that it's more damaging for my kids and I to stay in this M long term. there's no way I can see myself making enough to stay here. I'm not willing to put in that kind of work, especially when my kids are young.
Do you have any idea how he's likely to react if and when you mention the D-word? Are there any D's in his family? Are his parents likely to be supportive of you?