Flutie, Have you given any thought to what your end goal is?
Is it divorce, and you are biding your time until the time is right?
Is it reconciling with your H, and you are waiting until he grows up?
How will you know when the time is right in either of these two scenarios? Have you sorted thru your thoughts (I know it is excessively tough with little ones around!) to think "When XYZ happens, I will know it is time.."
I'm just curious to see where the next step of your journey will take you. I have found it helpful to envision several scenarios occurring so I will have an idea of how to proceed when it happens. Also, having a goal in mind (separation vs. reconciliation) is critical in determining how you will handle your affairs.
Perhaps you have already decided on divorce and I missed that post--if so, I apologize and sorry for this convoluted post.
Quote: he tried to snuggle up with me. Finally he even asked if I would just hold him for a minute, that he felt scared.
THIS IS HUGE! Has he EVER done anything like this before? I think you've finally gotten his attention. How do you feel about the new way you're acting?
When is the last time you put on some american music, preferably loud, and danced by yourself?
That might be just the ticket for a mopey husband :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: THIS IS HUGE! Has he EVER done anything like this before? I think you've finally gotten his attention. How do you feel about the new way you're acting?
Yes, very often, after he's been in one of his moods, or he realizes I'm at the end of my rope, he'll start acting this way. He did it this fall, a week or so after we'd have one of our 'talks', after he'd get out of his silent mode.
Honestly, I couldn't take it this morning. I do feel a little like I'm trying to keep him in 'bad guy' mode in my head - but it is a little to protect myself, tired of setting myself up, only to be blasted out of the water again.
HP, you asked:
"Have you given any thought to what your end goal is?" Sanity for myself + my little ones. Yeah, I know that's pretty vague.
"Is it divorce, and you are biding your time until the time is right?
Is it reconciling with your H, and you are waiting until he grows up?"
I would love to think that at some point he would grow up, but I really don't know how long I'm willing to stay around, so I guess it's more the first.
"How will you know when the time is right in either of these two scenarios? Have you sorted thru your thoughts (I know it is excessively tough with little ones around!) to think "When XYZ happens, I will know it is time.."
IF H were to admit the pain he's been causing me and the kids, and IF he were to agree to go to counselling, and take an Adult way of handling this, I would be willing to stay around for a while to see if he really were serious. 'Serious' would mean that he would apologize for his behavior till now and that he would try to be more cooperative. We both have to learn to trust the other, and then there's the whole affection/sex thing, whatever that is - which of course is a symptom of everything else, so maybe it would come out with everything else. I'm more than willing to admit that I've been enabling his behavior for a long time, and there is stuff I need to work on - putting myself and my prioritys somewhere above last, getting myself organized, not to mention financial and physical stuff (any attempt to loose weight has gone out the window with all the stress of the stuff around Christmas).
As far as when would be a good time to leave if I was going to...as long as he doesn't get physically violent, it would be when I figure out a way for me to support these 4 in a reasonable way. But that's easier said than done, as you can imagine I don't have a lot of time to figure out how that's going to happen, and being here makes it a bit more difficult.
So I am dragging my feet a little. I didn't give the hug this morning, 'cause I felt that every time this has happened before, H sees it as a sign that I'm ok with what's going on. If I 'push' further, he blows up, if I don't, it settles back into the sort of parallel nothingness, with me walking on eggs so as not to upset him.
When is the last time you put on some american music, preferably loud, and danced by yourself?
That might be just the ticket for a mopey husband :-)
-NOPkins-
With the kids, just yesterday. If you mean Rock/Pop...I'd have to go searching for a radio station, and H would get pretty annoyed. We live with over 7,000 CDs, only far less than 1% is anything other than 'classical'. This, by the way, is pretty mutual. I do love Jazz, and I do appreciate, and listen to good (and sometimes even not so good) music of any genre - but for H it's more 'I DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT STUFF'.
Mopey H is laying in bed right now, waiting for me to finish dinner (which I should be doing instead of sitting here or I'll have a mutiny on my hands - the kids I mean )
FF said: ------------------ ... If you mean Rock/Pop...I'd have to go searching for a radio station, and H would get pretty annoyed ... ------------------
Well, that was part of my reasoning. Not annoyance, but let him see you grooving to some american rock tunes.
I know that you are both great classical fans. You had mentioned that he is a great patron of the arts, and you being a flutist :-)
My thought was that some hard blues with a serious sexual overtone and a wife moving rhythmically might just send him a gentle message that times are a changing...
It sounds like you are holding up well, FF.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: My thought was that some hard blues with a serious sexual overtone and a wife moving rhythmically might just send him a gentle message that times are a changing...
Sounds good, but how do I get over the resentment - as in I'm not all that sure I want him interested right now??
This is the man that threw himself on the floor screaming a month ago, because I tried to figure out how we could share housework, who pushed me because I didn't leave the letter he wrote with the postmen (which was probably brought on by me trying to figure out why we haven't had sex for 7 yrs)...
I don't really want to deal with his childishness any more. And I'm certainly not real interested in turning him on. At least not till he takes responsibility for his part in this mess.
You know, I was trying to think the other day why I've stayed in this R for so long, and I can't help thinking some of it has to do with me being lazy. Meaning, here, I don't have to worry about interacting with my S, I can just let him be as he wants, sit and watch TV at night, and as long as I can function on 6 hrs or less of sleep, it's ok. I don't have to worry about being sexy, 'cause he's not interested. I don't even have to worry about money, 'cause he'll handle it, since I'm not capable of such things. Anywhere else, and I'd actually have to work.
Ok, yes I know what that sounds like, but it's been rattling around in my head and I really needed to get it out.
I hope you know that i meant to let him know what he is missing, not turn him on :-)
As for getting over the resentment, his recognizing the problem and doing something about it would take care of that.
If he doesn't step up, then you will eventually get to a place where it, and he, no longer matter to you. That will also take care of most of the resentment as apathy is the great resentment killer.
I am hoping for a more equitable solution to the issues facing your situation.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I guess I'm a little leary of getting back to the whole 'let him know what he is missing' place, 'cause that's where we were a few months ago before H started putting me back in my box.
I feel I'm getting dangerously close to apathy. It feels like I've spent the past few years just getting him to understand I don't hate him, while feeling attacked myself. And I've definately been pulling myself away even further this past month.
I was not trying to push you at all. Mostly, I was hoping that it would make you feel good about yourself, and hubby couldn't help but notice that.
It would be nice if something simple could wake him up, but it probably won't happen that way..
Regardless, it is your choice what you do. Apathy is not always an enemy, sometimes, it can protect us better than a gun.
Take care, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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