Flutie, Just wanted to pop in and say good luck to ya, love. I can't really offer any advice and, besides, you seem to be working through things just fine.
Perhaps your H is giving the hugs and kisses because he senses the internal changes in you..the resolve that is forming in your gut, to get a better life for yourself and your kids. Keep that your number one priority and let the chips fall where they may. If he decides to shape up his nitpicking act and be a part of your life, fine. If not, then it looks like you are mentally preparing for what that step will entail.
So maybe taking control of my finances is both the most difficult, and the most important thing I can do to assert my independance.
As JJ wrote, M is a mix of different ties... the two biggest being emotional and financial. If you can't "control" the emotional aspect, you can at least try to gain control of the financial. That way, you'll have a more solid base to work on the emotional. Good luck. I'm battling the "financial demon" myself.
Thanks to all of you for your support. It's nice to know you're thinking of me.
HP, if it was just the 'nitpicking' I think I could somehow deal. It's more, and I got a glimpse of how much more this morning:
This morning as I was getting the girls ready for school, I came across D9's open backpack. There were a bunch of papers shoved into it, so I started to straighten them up, and noticed that on top was a 'forgetting notice'. If the kids forget to do homework, or forget a book they get a mark, after 5 marks it gets sent home to be signed. I got one home in early Nov., sat down and talked with D9 and H, and he assured me that he was following her homework (as I am at work in the evenings, there is not always time for us to get the homework done in the hr or so before I leave in the afternoon).
Now I find that in those two weeks, D9 basically did NO homework. Not only that, but she apparently hid the paper from me, as it was sent home well over a month ago.
Add to this the fact that she's had trouble sleeping, to the point that yesterday, she had a friend over and spent the whole afternoon slamming doors and complaining that she never got to be alone.
I'm more than a little worried about my very bright, very sensitive little girl.
I did get upset with her this morning. On top of all this, she has long hair, which she refuses to take care of, so I needed to brush it (it looked horrible), and there was screaming. H got upset about that.
When he got back from bringing the girls to school, I told him why I had gotten upset, and that I was very worried about her (he seemed to think it was just about the hair).
His reaction 'Yeah, can we talk about this later, I have to go to work'.
So I go to make his breakfast/lunch, since he's in such a hurry, and he disappears. Finally I went to see where he was, and he was sitting at the computer. So I said 'How is it that you don't have time to discuss your daughter's future, but you do have time to sit at the computer?' He didn't answer.
After he came down to breakfast, I brought it up again, and he blew. Started yelling, so I walked away. He yelled after me that why did I get to walk away when he was trying to talk to me. I told him that I wouldn't listen if he was going to yell in that way. Finally I went back downstairs, and said that I would be willing to listen, if he would talk about what needed to be done, in a civil tone. He told me that he has certain routines that he needs to stick to, that if I was going to spy on him, he would call it for what it was, that I was starting this whole thing again, how my conversations go on and on and on and I never let things drop, etc. etc. etc.
He kept asking if that answered my question. I finally said, yes, it did very nicely, thank you H.
I think this presents yet another reason for you not to trust anything he says. Just start taking care of the important things in life, like your daughter. Screw his breakfast and lunch...he's not crippled.
I have to agree with Hairdoggie on this one...if he's going to behave this way to you. Take care of your kids, he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself. I know this will probably cause quite a bit of inconvenience for you...but why should you do these things for him if he's going to treat you and your kids this way?
Let him fix his own damn breakfast/lunch/dinner (unless of course you're already fixing for everyone.)
I didn't see this post until just now...no, unfortunately we didn't get our snow. So I still haven't been able to take my son out to play in it...can't wait though
It's been a pretty lousy winter here snow-wise as well. Yeah, the ground is white, but it'll go up to almost 40 one day, back down to 20 the next. Last weekend there was flooding in Helsinki - first time in 100 yrs. Seems people with skin problems here (just about everyone due to lack of sun, increadably dry weather, and overheating in very tightly built houses...) are having a really bad year, since there was no sun this summer for skin to have a chance to rejuvinate. Ah, the joys of living at the Arctic circle...
It is frosty here inside, anyway. I haven't posted much, 'cause there's really nothing to say. After H's blow-up the other day when he wouldn't talk about D9, I was feeling pretty lousy. Realizing that I needed to at least say things, since I was compromising myself big time by just walking around here on eggshells.
There was a minor 'skirmish' on Sun, H deciding at 11:30 pm that he was going to build a fire outside to burn some boxes, and got annoyed when I wouldn't help him break the boxes down (and in my true wimpy fashion, I did end up helping him - to criticism of course. I guess I deserved that - for not sticking to my boundaries). After that had calmed down, we watched some TV, I tried to bring up the fact that I've been seeing a psychiatrist (which he had probably figured out by now anyway) and that he would be willing to see H (with me present since I'm already his patient) or someone else in his office - as I started to open my mouth, H walked off. Should have seen that coming, since the other day when H was yelling, I walked away, and he said he would do the same to me when I tried to talk with him...
I did finally manage to blurt out in passing the next morning that I had been seeing a psychiatrist, and that since I realized that there was no way for me to talk to H (to which he replied, yeah, so why don't you stop talking), I would like him to join me at this therapist - or if he would rather, meet someone else at his office. And, that if this didn't happen, I didn't know how long I could continue to live under these conditions.
H made no comment.
NOPkin's post to Corri, about how willing she was to do things for her H in spite of his lack of respect for her hit home, I was realizing already all the things that I continued to do for H inspite of his disrespectful - outright hurtful actions.
So right now we're just living parallel lives. I'm not cooking for him at midnight, or getting up when he wants to have his breakfast made. He's stopped asking, and sort of fending for himself, but I'm still just getting the silent treatment.
I hate to think that I'm going to have to go through with at least drawing up D papers, but I guess that is where I'm heading. Eventually. I won't do it, untill I have a rock solid plan as to how I'm going to pull this whole thing off, including supporting the kids completely myself, if necessary, because I believe that H will call me on that if I don't.
D here works that one spouse can file, there is a 6 mo waiting period, then one or both Ss file again. No contest. But I can see H just not doing anything during that period, so if I'm going to be taken seriously, I have to have everything worked out, so he can't just drag his feet, which is what I suspect he'll do. So this is not going to happen for a while - 'cause I have no plan as to how to support those 4 mouths. Sure, if we continue with in-laws watching children and H paying support - but I want to be able to do it without that - definately get the in-laws out of the childcare 'business' and back into Grandparent mode - and not expecting support. actually, right now, it seems we're not doing too well supporting these guys together...though I just get to hear about it when there isn't any money (I will admit to being a bit extravagent this Christmas - but certainly not ridiculously so)
I just wish my schedule was such that I had more of a chance to take some time for me, but at least I have a nice bunch of people to work with. I do still feel like I'm dragging my own feet, keep trying to convince myself that this isn't really as bad as it seems, that H is still going to realize what he's doing and wake up, or that somehow, an exit is just going to drop into my lap.
Yeah, I realize all of these are probably fairy tales.
I am glad to see that you are still hanging in there.
Please do keep us up to date on your situation, regardless if you have much to say or not.
I am usually off to bed about now, and I sleep better if I see a couple of new posts from you on the forum :-)
Take care, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
