It's been a pretty lousy winter here snow-wise as well. Yeah, the ground is white, but it'll go up to almost 40 one day, back down to 20 the next. Last weekend there was flooding in Helsinki - first time in 100 yrs. Seems people with skin problems here (just about everyone due to lack of sun, increadably dry weather, and overheating in very tightly built houses...) are having a really bad year, since there was no sun this summer for skin to have a chance to rejuvinate. Ah, the joys of living at the Arctic circle...
It is frosty here inside, anyway. I haven't posted much, 'cause there's really nothing to say. After H's blow-up the other day when he wouldn't talk about D9, I was feeling pretty lousy. Realizing that I needed to at least say things, since I was compromising myself big time by just walking around here on eggshells.
There was a minor 'skirmish' on Sun, H deciding at 11:30 pm that he was going to build a fire outside to burn some boxes, and got annoyed when I wouldn't help him break the boxes down (and in my true wimpy fashion, I did end up helping him - to criticism of course. I guess I deserved that - for not sticking to my boundaries). After that had calmed down, we watched some TV, I tried to bring up the fact that I've been seeing a psychiatrist (which he had probably figured out by now anyway) and that he would be willing to see H (with me present since I'm already his patient) or someone else in his office - as I started to open my mouth, H walked off. Should have seen that coming, since the other day when H was yelling, I walked away, and he said he would do the same to me when I tried to talk with him...
I did finally manage to blurt out in passing the next morning that I had been seeing a psychiatrist, and that since I realized that there was no way for me to talk to H (to which he replied, yeah, so why don't you stop talking), I would like him to join me at this therapist - or if he would rather, meet someone else at his office. And, that if this didn't happen, I didn't know how long I could continue to live under these conditions.
H made no comment.
NOPkin's post to Corri, about how willing she was to do things for her H in spite of his lack of respect for her hit home, I was realizing already all the things that I continued to do for H inspite of his disrespectful - outright hurtful actions.
So right now we're just living parallel lives. I'm not cooking for him at midnight, or getting up when he wants to have his breakfast made. He's stopped asking, and sort of fending for himself, but I'm still just getting the silent treatment.
I hate to think that I'm going to have to go through with at least drawing up D papers, but I guess that is where I'm heading. Eventually. I won't do it, untill I have a rock solid plan as to how I'm going to pull this whole thing off, including supporting the kids completely myself, if necessary, because I believe that H will call me on that if I don't.
D here works that one spouse can file, there is a 6 mo waiting period, then one or both Ss file again. No contest. But I can see H just not doing anything during that period, so if I'm going to be taken seriously, I have to have everything worked out, so he can't just drag his feet, which is what I suspect he'll do. So this is not going to happen for a while - 'cause I have no plan as to how to support those 4 mouths. Sure, if we continue with in-laws watching children and H paying support - but I want to be able to do it without that - definately get the in-laws out of the childcare 'business' and back into Grandparent mode - and not expecting support. actually, right now, it seems we're not doing too well supporting these guys together...though I just get to hear about it when there isn't any money (I will admit to being a bit extravagent this Christmas - but certainly not ridiculously so)
I just wish my schedule was such that I had more of a chance to take some time for me, but at least I have a nice bunch of people to work with. I do still feel like I'm dragging my own feet, keep trying to convince myself that this isn't really as bad as it seems, that H is still going to realize what he's doing and wake up, or that somehow, an exit is just going to drop into my lap.
Yeah, I realize all of these are probably fairy tales.
