Since Lillie asked, I'll give you a brief update on my sitch. We made it through Christmas, H was in a bad mood, surprise surprise, and basically acted like a spoiled child throughout the weekend, and beyond.
At one point he started getting 'friendly', hugging, kissing in the morning, and I found myself disgusted. And feeling horrible for feeling that way.
I've been to a psychiatrist a couple of times, I've noticed now that even there, I've had a hard time turning the talk away from the R to how I can get stronger, I want to figure out how I got into this sitch, and allowed myself to stay this long.
I've stopped trying to insure that the kids respect their father, instead showing them openly that I do not agree with how he acts towards them or me, and they, in turn, have started opening up more with me.
It's pretty horrible to realize how much energy has been wasted over the years on useless arguments over nonimportant things like how to put the trash in the wastebasket (which has been H's pet peeve for the past week), and complete avoidance of any kind of emotions.
I'm stuck right now in that I can't figure out a way out. I can't really pack up the kids and go to the States, thanks to international law, but also 'cause my life has been here for the past 15 yrs, and I'm going to have to do a lot of planning so I don't fall flat on my face.
Staying here doesn't make it much easier. With my job an hr. away, and H's parents my babysitters right now, I can't just end things without a lot of planning. It would be easier if this house, and it's location, wasn't so perfect - right on the edge of the ski trails, so there's a decent sized yard, and woods for the kids to play in, a 4 min ride to school and town. So unless absolutely necessary, I'm not yet at a place where I want to give this up, and I haven't yet figured out how to stay.
Unless things get dangerous, I want to be sure that I have a solid plan in place before I give the 'end' speach. Actually, before that, I want to insist that H gets into a therapist, but I suspect that even if I were able to get him to go, it most likely won't have a big impact on this sitch. I guess I've gotten pessimistic.
So there I am. It might sound like I'm pretty organized on paper, but in reality, far from it. I feel like I'm running around to give the impression of motion, but in fact going in a big circle. I hope I figure out how to break out of that.
