I'm gaining information right now, not steamrolling full blast ahead towards D. Liese, he didn't order me to go to a lawyer, I mentioned that I had made an apt. I just want some information as to what my rights are here, in case I need to make some desicions. Finnish divorce law is pretty cut and dry, except in very extenuating circumstances, or an agreement, property is divided in half. No questions. Same for custody.
I really am not, right now, in a dangerous situation. I realize at this point, that might change, even quickly, but I'm not speeding it ahead, at least not before Christmas.
I feel a little like I'm being overloaded with information, and need some time to digest. Yes - I do realize I might not have that time right now - but I honestly at this point don't think it's that critical.
H is more like a lost puppy right now, and as long as I HOM, which I have gotten pretty good at of doing (believe it or not ), I don't think there will be big problems.
I can't keep it up long, 'cause it does mean at times stuffing stuff in, but for now, unless there's a big 'incident' or I can figure out how to make my next move.
Corri, I've already taken you up on your offer. Thanks.
If you feel comfortable doing so, and if you haven't already, please exchange phone numbers with each other as well, just in case. (in email of course :-) )
FF. We don't want you overloaded with info. We all DO want you and children safe :-)
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: FF. We don't want you overloaded with info. We all DO want you and children safe :-)
I know, and appreciate all the help you've all given me. It's not just info from you guys I'm refering to. My head is spinning a little, though I will say I feel a little more 'focused' than a week or so ago.
I really believe things are coming to a head in your household. What a tough situation you are in, and how heartbreaking now that the kids are actually coming to you about Daddy.
I'm so glad you found someone to speak with who can give you some real face-to-face feedback...who is from the country. I feel that's very important to have someone to speak with who has insight to the culture.
You are facing a tough battle...but remember, this too shall pass. You're going to come out of this a stronger/wiser woman.
Hang in there! GEL
PS - We're supposed to get snow tomorrow...I can't wait for my son to see snow for the first time
Yes, I am going to come out of this stronger, wiser. It bothers me a little that very very often woman in abusive Rs get out, only to get into another, sometimes even worse sitch. One other statistic I've learned, the majority of people in this kind of R (on the receiving end of the abuse) have above average verbal negotiating skills.
Makes sense. All that time spent trying to communicate with a S who isn't interested in hearing what you say, all the time spent making 'excuses'... I even remember H saying once that I should be in sales, since I always managed to make everything sound so good.
As I'm just sitting back right now, I've noticed all the little ways I've always jumped in and tried to 'fix' things, making sure H was happy, to keep the peace. Not to mention run myself ragged doing all this, so that I end up tired and grumpy.
I keep wondering if these skills would have made a difference if I had started using them 15 yrs ago...probably not too much. Or then things would have come to a head sooner, maybe I would have had the strength to get out sooner. Whatever, I can't look back.
GEL, did you get your snow? it's blowing and spitting snow right now, but just at the freezing point...so we're all holding our breath that it stays around at least for the weekend. It really is amazing what a difference the snow makes at this time of year, the few hrs of daylight we have are much brighter!
Since Lillie asked, I'll give you a brief update on my sitch. We made it through Christmas, H was in a bad mood, surprise surprise, and basically acted like a spoiled child throughout the weekend, and beyond.
At one point he started getting 'friendly', hugging, kissing in the morning, and I found myself disgusted. And feeling horrible for feeling that way.
I've been to a psychiatrist a couple of times, I've noticed now that even there, I've had a hard time turning the talk away from the R to how I can get stronger, I want to figure out how I got into this sitch, and allowed myself to stay this long.
I've stopped trying to insure that the kids respect their father, instead showing them openly that I do not agree with how he acts towards them or me, and they, in turn, have started opening up more with me.
It's pretty horrible to realize how much energy has been wasted over the years on useless arguments over nonimportant things like how to put the trash in the wastebasket (which has been H's pet peeve for the past week), and complete avoidance of any kind of emotions.
I'm stuck right now in that I can't figure out a way out. I can't really pack up the kids and go to the States, thanks to international law, but also 'cause my life has been here for the past 15 yrs, and I'm going to have to do a lot of planning so I don't fall flat on my face.
Staying here doesn't make it much easier. With my job an hr. away, and H's parents my babysitters right now, I can't just end things without a lot of planning. It would be easier if this house, and it's location, wasn't so perfect - right on the edge of the ski trails, so there's a decent sized yard, and woods for the kids to play in, a 4 min ride to school and town. So unless absolutely necessary, I'm not yet at a place where I want to give this up, and I haven't yet figured out how to stay.
Unless things get dangerous, I want to be sure that I have a solid plan in place before I give the 'end' speach. Actually, before that, I want to insist that H gets into a therapist, but I suspect that even if I were able to get him to go, it most likely won't have a big impact on this sitch. I guess I've gotten pessimistic.
So there I am. It might sound like I'm pretty organized on paper, but in reality, far from it. I feel like I'm running around to give the impression of motion, but in fact going in a big circle. I hope I figure out how to break out of that.
FocusedFlutist wrote {{I'm pretty organized on paper, but in reality, far from it. I feel like I'm running around to give the impression of motion, but in fact going in a big circle. }}
FocusedFlutist, Morning to you. What a position to be in. I think most of us, even with less serious problems have felt this way so don't feel like you are coming up short. I think you are doing what is right for you and the children. I am sure many of us on the BB have said to our self, If I do A I have to give up zx&y, If I do B then I have to put up with qr&s. No perfect solutions. I admire you for doing what you have done and put up with.
I think you are wise to prepare for independence. I'm finding that it does little good to emotionally "defuse" a relationship if you can't practically financially "defuse" it. Various forms of dependence are too inter-related in a marriage. It's naive to think that love/sex/money entanglements can be avoided or wished away. This is another romantic illusion that must be left by the wayside on the road to "differentiation".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Started to post this on Lillie's thread rather than here!! Lillie, I do want to give you some comments as well, will do later when I get some time.
Lou,
Thanks, it does help to know that I'm not the only one who feels thta way! It's nice too, that there are a few of you night owls/early birds, since otherwise, I'm usually getting up about the time you all are heading off to sleep.
Jenny,
You know, your post made me think of what kind of role money has played in my M. I think one of the things that attracted me to H was how practical he was, seemingly unemotional about money - something I feared. Looking back, I think it's just the opposite - he uses money as a sort of emotion substitute, as it's something he can control, unlike emotions. If he's happy, he spends. If he's feeling down, he spends...In the beginning, one thing people commented on was how well we were able to talk about money, share expenses, etc. something that often takes a couple a long time to work out. I was willing maybe to 'buy' into his attitude, since it seemed so much healthier than my own. Hmm...perhaps it is that H was able to find my weak spot, my fear, and prey on that, maybe not even intentionally, but it was a way to control me. So maybe taking control of my finances is both the most difficult, and the most important thing I can do to assert my independance.
), I don't think there will be big problems.