Thanks Lou, for taking the time to write that out!
I hope it will help out in the future. Right now, I'm sort of just observing. H has been rather friendly the past few days. He's come out of his shell, spending more time with the kids, talked to me this morning. He pointed out his hands were shaking, said he hasn't been sleeping well. I said he should take care of himself, I've brought up a couple of times in the past couple of days the idea of him seeing a Dr. He's kind of 'laughed' it off. Told me this morning I took care of him very well.
I'm trying to notice how I respond to things, trying to just let things happen without reacting. I've realized that my 'disorganization' is probably a result of being so afraid of not doing everything 'expected' of me, sort of always looking over my shoulder, so that I end up not really paying attention to what I'm doing, and am never really doing what I want - always on someone else's schedule.
I found a new C, a psychiatrist here in town with a very good reputation. He sounded very nice on the phone, and was actually eager to get to use his English. He went out of his way to make a good amount of time available to me on Sun, so we could meet once before Christmas.
This has certainly been an interesting trip, and at this point, no matter what the outcome, I come out of it a lot stronger.
HD, good luck putting your boundaries in place. I hope the next year brings us both a lot more happiness.
Lou, what great stuff! I just went to ebay and bid on the book. Looks like something that really adds clarity, fairness and structure to standing up for yourself with another person. Thanks for sharing it.
Thanks for the replies HD, FF & 2ndChances5. I posted because my mental picture of ME/OG Lou, HD, & FF popped into my mind. I know different people can read the same book and come to a different conclusion. I do not want to sound preachy, that this is the solution to anyones problems. I see myself in a situation I read about and realise others must be there too.
My general opinion of some books are, they should be converted into Reader's Digest format. IE the author write 200 pages to say 25 pages of worthwile theory or application. Sometimes the real meat is in the details, but in this case "Boundaries in Marriage", had to many weak back-up refernces.
I got my book on eBay with a workbook. If I bought it again my $ limit would be arounf $9 with the workbook, including shipping.
OG Lou, Just thought I would try to help you guys. Many of you have helped me.
Do you mean to tell me that you actually know what the word maahanmuuttoviranomaisena means? My Gawd, I don't think there is a Finnish word with less than 15 letters!
But seriously FF I am amazed that your DH has not budged in his stubbornness. I can still imagine him reprimanding you for "not learning the finer points of the language." He should get down on his knees and thank you for even attempting to handle paluumuuttovalmennukseen.
I think you are right to seriously consider coming home. There has got to be a way.
BTW, did you really mean it was 40 C? Or was that in the sauna?
Quote: Do you mean to tell me that you actually know what the word maahanmuuttoviranomaisena means? My Gawd, I don't think there is a Finnish word with less than 15 letters!
maahanmuuttoviranomaisena: means 'as the immigrant official'. It's a compound word, Finns thrive on them! Maahanmuuttaja: 'to-the-country-mover', immigrant. 'Viranomainen' - 'holder of the office' - official. The fact that the word ends in -na means it is one of those damn 15 grammatical cases and I don't remember the name, don't feel like looking it up - anyway, it means 'acting as'. So if you wanted to look the word up in a dictionary to see if I was right, you'd have to look it up as 'maahanmuuttoviranomainen'.
Oh, 'paluumuuttovalmennukseen' means 'To the preparation for repatrification'.
There are lots of Finnish words with less than 15 letters, but that's were the real fun comes in...
You get words like 'matto' (rug) vs 'mato' (worm) and 'tiili' (brick) 'tilli'(dill) 'tili' (account).
Ready for more?? Those 15 grammatical cases? In order to add them to words, often you have to know how to change the stem. So...'katu' (street) becomes 'kadulla' (on the street) 'kadussa' (in the street, looks pretty silly ) but 'katuun' (to the street 'in it's streetness') 'katulle' (to the street)...have to admit, I'm not sure if it's 'katuna' or 'kaduna' ('acting as the street') I don't think many Finns would, H might. There are, of course, different sets of words that change in different ways.
Both words you chose are a bit 'difficult'. 'Viranomainen' (official): viranomaiseen (to the official), viranomaisella (at the official) etc. 'Valmennus' (preparation): valmennukseen (to the preparation) valmennuksena (as the preparation).
Ask me about numbers sometimes...compound words, each section changes when you add a grammatical suffix...
Ain't making any of this up either! That's still only half the fun...it is a very 'logical' language though (if you figure out the logic ) There really aren't any 'exceptions'. It's also very phonetic, each letter only makes one sound, meaning my 4.5yr old twins who are now 'reading' (at the sounding out phase) could read those words too, if they could sit still long enough .
If you figure out the language, you sort of get an insight to the Finnish mind...
Oh, oops, of course I meant 40�F. That's what you get for trying to post at 1am.
Had an apt. with a psychiatrist yestersday, at least I've finally found someone to talk to. About half-way through my story, he stopped taking notes, just listened, eyes getting bigger, his first question 'and Why are you still with this man?'
His comment, there are lots of men like H in Finland, (this was no surprise to me) he asked, and wasn't surprised when I told him what area of the country FIL is from (this is an area particularly 'notorious' for suicides and domesic violence. The men pride themselves on being 'strong and silent')
Anyway, he was able to give me a lot more info on what resources are available, what I can and cannot do, etc. I felt comfortable talking with him.
I'm sure this has been the easy part up 'till now.
At home, H goes from being nice one day, to days like Sat., where he got mad at the kids for not thanking him for cleaning up spilt juice, I had to stop him from grabbing S4a by the arm, hard, and two of my kids came to me at different points during the day and said they didn't want to live with Daddy.
We finally got snow again last night, and right now, at dawn (it's almost 9am) the sky is a powder blue, it's really spectacular.
Quote: ------------ I'm sure this has been the easy part up 'till now. ------------
It depends on how you look at it.
Has it been easy to live in an abusive relationship for all this time?
Which is harder, making real physical distance between you and the kids, and the abuser, or continuing on like all is normal?
I think that you don't know how bad it has been, and that you won't know until you are away from it for a few YEARS.
Like many of the posters here, I wish I lived next door to you. The first thing I would do is to have a 'talk' with hubby. When I was young, that's how people like wife beaters and abusers got 'handled'. We are too civilized for that these days (right...). The second thing I would do is to load you and the kids up and make damn sure that you were well taken care of.
Unfortunately, you are mostly on your own. That means that YOU have to be the hero that your kids need.
The question you have to ask yourself is simple. "Are the kids and me safe?" Your answer to that question will determine your next decision.
Please be safe and let us know what is happening with you. Also, please consider giving your email address to one of the ladies here so that we can keep up with you in case things turn ugly.
You are going to get through this!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Oh, FF, my heart is breaking for you at the same time I am full of admiration for your following through on this... I wish you were here in the sunny South with me today-- I'd give you and your kids some great big hugs and lots of hot chocolate! Hang in there, girl! Many prayers for you and cyberhugs!
Regardless if you go thru the D or not...your C's order in contacting an Attorney is WRPNG!
Take some light financial records in, or your tax return if its the same as here, year end stuff, BEFORE you even MENTION divorce if you have any assets at all, or for that matter a desire for housing or assistance from him.
This may cost you a couple hundred but the "rules" are outlined in their beautiful starkness. If ppl are "amicable and do the property split at the kitchen table and all thats really quite pleasant, and unusual.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
