May or may not be useful right now, just thought it might help in the future.
I finished reading "Boundaries in Marriage" and thought it was just an OK book. Kind of general advice with references to Bible verses.
Here are a couple of pages that seem to apply to me and some parts that might apply to or might help FF & HD.
From “Boundaries In Marriage” by Cloud/Townsend, Zondervan 1999 (fair use post, some words ommited or added for clarity)
page 107
I do not know where I first heard this saying, but I have come to believe it: “You get what you tolerate.” In other words, in an imperfect world, imperfection will always seek you out, and if you tolerate it, you will certainly find all of it that you can handle. Unpleasant things seek the level they are allowed to exist in your life, especially in a marriage.
While you might get all the bad stuff you tolerate, what about the good things in a marriage? Where do they come from? They generally come from the same place from which “tolerance” comes: your values. On both the positive and the negative side, ultimately what you value is, is what you will have. If you value something in a relationship, you will not tolerate anything that destroys this value, and you will also seek to make sure it is present and growing. And because of these values, the relationship takes on an identity and form, a character of its own. Certain things happen in the relationship, and other things don’t. What you value happens and what you don’t value will be absent. In marriage, for example, it works like this:
1. We will not tolerate anything that violates our value of honesty.
2. We both will actively seek to build and increase the presence of honesty in our marriage.
Your values make sure that certain bad things are not present in the marriage and that certain good things are. The values become the ultimate identity and protective boundaries of the marriage.
Page 225) Establish Appropriate Consequences
Whatever your spouse is doing that is hurting you, the benefits he receives may far outweigh your appeals and requests. At this point, you need to set consequences.
A consequence is an effect, or result, of another act. You need to establish some consequence for your spouse’s transgression so that he will experience some discomfort for his irresponsibility. A consequence has to have several very important characteristics:
(Consequences should be)
1. Designed to help with reality and protect you, not designed to control or change your spouse: Boundaries and consequences are not about fixing someone or making them choose better. They are about allowing appropriate cause and effect so that your spouse will experience the pain of irresponsibility and then change.
2. Deliberate, and not impulsive or set in anger: Think through, prayerfully and with friends, what an appropriate consequence might be. It is not about getting even. It is about getting out of enabling your spouse and about protecting yourself from evil.
3. As reality-based as possible: You want reality to be your spouse’s instructor. For example, a husband who becomes enraged should have people leave his presence for a while. No one wants to be around people having tantrums. This is preferable to an unrelated consequence such as having him watch the kids an extra evening.
(page 226)
4. Appropriately severe: Evaluate how chronic, destructive, and severe the boundary violation is. For example, a spouse who won’t clean up the dishes might need to cook some meals for himself to get the idea. But a spouse who is having an affair may need to leave the home. Either way, the consequence needs to be serious enough to matter, but not so severe that it, rather than the behavior, becomes the issue.
5. Enforceable: Make sure this is something you can and will do. You need to make sure you have the power and resources to set the limit. If you can’t tell the pastor you are having trouble in your marriage, don’t threaten to do that.
6. Preservative of your spouse’s freedom. Don’t set a consequence by saying, “You have to,” “You must,” or, “I will make you: Consequences are not something you do to control your spouse. They are reactions to his choices. Let him make his choices, but prepare your reactions.
7. As immediate as possible: Just as kids need quick consequences, so do spouses. Your spouse can make the association between his action and the results if they are close together in time.
8. Respectful of his role as spouse: Stay away from humiliating or punitive consequences such as making fun of him or making sarcastic remarks.
9. Designed to be modified as your spouse changes: Consequences don’t have to be forever. As your spouse owns and repents, you can change the consequences. However, be sure that change has truly occurred over some period of time. “I’m sorry” is not enough to let go of the consequence. The other side of this, however, is that you may have to escalate the severity of the consequence if your spouse behaves worse. A spendaholic wife may need to work extra hours to earn the money she spent. But if she gets worse, she may need to lose her credit cards.
I studied "Applied Behavior Analysis" (ABA) in a college progran to help prepare developmentally disabled adults for jobs. Also works for problematic children. The Consequences section is right out of the ABA book. The Consequences would have to be tempered with consideration of spouses feelings.
