Well, I was locked out of my last thread, probably a good place to start a new thread anyway.

Jenny,

Thanks for reminding me that my own POV has a large part to play in this. Right now I'm feeling like I've done everything but stand on my head, and gotten nowhere. I'm sure I've left some rocks unturned somewhere, but since H has made it pretty clear that he's not interested in listening to what I have to say, I'm going to save my breath for now.

I met with the 'crisis councelor' today. A very nice young woman, who really didn't have a lot to offer to me. Her basic advice was that I should try to get P to come talk to their counsellors. Fat chance.

I said that I knew he wouldn't, and that I didn't feel at this point talking was going to do much. She seemed to agree, but couldn't offer any real advice. She said at one point that I needed to decide if I wanted to stay in this R or get out. I said - what if I get out, what then? She said then file for D. she couldn't give me any more advice than that. I asked about getting a lawyer, she said, yeah, I guess you should do that after you file. I asked about the 6 mo waiting period (D works here that one or both Ss file, there is a 6 mo waiting period, after which one, or both Ss file again. That's it) - what was I supposed to do during that time, especially since H probably wouldn't be too happy about this, she couldn't say.

She said if that's the way you want to go, maybe you should rent an apartment and get out with the kids. I said that I really didn't want to leave - I can't imagine living in an apartment, especially one the size that I could afford right now...with 4 small children. She asked if I considered going back to the States, I said that that had crossed my mind, but that I had no idea what my rights were concerning that (meaning the children - if it could be considered kidnapping if H didn't want me to go - what kind of rights I had) she couldn't tell me, nor could she give me any reference to anyone who could give me such advice.

So, I guess I'm left basically where I was before. I need to decide how I want to continue. Make a decision. Which of course, I'm very very good at (said in a tone of heavy sarcasm).

Maybe I'm looking for someone to make the decision for me. I really wish there was some way I could know which is best for the kids. Right now, H is in a good mood, came home and sat with us for dinner, is right now in tucking the girls into bed - on time (but then I've been home all afternoon). If it was like this all the time, if there wasn't the underlying 'fear' of wondering when I'm going to overstep his 'boundaries'...

I know I can't go on too long like this. I can't go 'back' to not doing anything. The only thing I can do - what I have to do - is insist that H either see a psychiatrist, or move out at least until he does. And I have to find someway of doing it so that he understands that I am serious. How can I 'force' him out of the house? Of course, I can't. I don't know, I don't want to know, what would have to happen before the law could get involved.

Or then I have to leave. I don't want to - I won't unless it's absolutely necessary - before Christmas. So I guess maybe I have to find some way of keeping myself together at least 'till then. Who knows, maybe I'll learn something about myself along the way.

But what I am finally seeing is the absolute necessity to make a decision. Corri's right, folks (as if we didn't know ) the only thing we can do is draw a line in the sand, and stand behind it. No matter what. If we can't stand up for who we are, we can't expect anyone else to have any kind of respect for us.

If I wasn't afraid of the repercussions of my 'line' (and I'm talking violent explosions - I really don't know what I can expect from H any more) I would do it tonight. My reason for waiting 'till after Christmas is not only fear, but the necessity of making sure I can back up my words somehow, and the knowledge that it will be easier to stick to my words once the holidays are over.

The worst part?? After listening to 3 people tell me this week they can't understand how I've kept my sanity through this, and wondering why I haven't gotten out sooner, I still wonder if I'm exagerating all this, if things really wouldn't be better for the kids here. It's damn hard drawing that line.