Quote: You mean about things that he said he would do? sure. Sometimes 2nd or 3rd reminders are necessary. "over and over again" sounds like nagging, though!
Actually I have tried to not nag...I think I'm doing ok with that, I was referring more to planting the seed of wanting to have a conversation...I guess at this point it doesn't matter because the only thing I really want to talk about is our R and that gets me nowhere anyway!
Quote: Yes...crying has a big impact on my h. Sounds like you know a factor that's keeping your h from wanting to converse with you...so, what are you doing to work on it?
Any suggestions?? I always tell myself I'm not going to cry but I always do! What did you do to stop??
I guess at this point it doesn't matter because the only thing I really want to talk about is our R and that gets me nowhere anyway!
Hmmm...do you think that h would be more open to conversation if you tipped the balance in favor of less controversial, more successful ones? IOW, if the great conversations (non-R talks) significantly outweigh the not-so-great ones, well, which do you think sticks in his mind? PLUS, you'll get practice conversing and listening to him.
Quote: Any suggestions?? I always tell myself I'm not going to cry but I always do! What did you do to stop??
Lots of things...first off, seriously understanding that crying while talking with h wasn't getting me ANY closer to my goal helped. I also meditate daily (which helps with recognizing and managing emotions), exercise as often as I can, delay conversations until I no longer feel emotional about the issue, avoid doing things (like snooping) that make me torqued up inside, etc. All little pieces that helped a great deal.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Just a quick one since I'm mired in work! I hope things settle down here soon!
So, picked h up for the "surprise date". We drove into town and found a parking space near the restaurant. then I told him that the surprise was that we were going to a wine tasting at the restaurant. His reaction was less than stellar . He asked a couple of questions in a way that was pretty clear he wasn't enthused ("It's not going to be a big group thing, is it?" etc). I told him that I didn't know what it would be like since I had never been to one. We were super early so we sat in the car for a LONG time...I was pretty quiet and trying to gauge my hurt -- was I overreacting? could I just not personalize? I acted "as if" as best I could (though I wanted to kick his sorry butt out of the car).
We went in to the restaurant and had to wait about 15 minutes. We had a glass of wine (which h said he didn't like --). He asked which wines we would be tasting and I told him Barolo and Barbaresco (both are big favorites of his). Perhaps that took the wind out of his "I'm a big party pooper" sails!
The tasting was great. We sat at a long table and each got 4 good sized pours of wine. The sommelier talked about each, showed us how to taste it, etc. they served really good french bread and then brought out 4 different appetizers, each matched with a particular wine. the food was terrific. Our neighbors on my left were friendly and fun. All in all it was really great.
As we were leaving h said what a great time he had had and that he wanted to go to another one. I said "you know, you were pretty unethusiastic when I told you what we were doing" and he said "yah, I know. I thought it would be all snooty. But please don't let my reaction dissuade you from planning stuff like this in the future! I like it when you get me to try new things."
Um, ok. That sounds great on paper but I have to say that the 45 minutes I had to sit with his initial reaction was unpleasant. It was a good test of my "non-personalization" and it was also a good reminder to me that there have been times when I reacted negatively to something that h had planned. I think I'll hold off on the surprise dates for a while...or if I do plan one, it'll be less "adventurous".
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
What a lovely surprise date you had for H! I'm sorry that it started out a bit...rough. It seems as if he was making ASSumptions about how things would be....we know what happens when we do that.
Quote: It was a good test of my "non-personalization" and it was also a good reminder to me that there have been times when I reacted negatively to something that h had planned.
Not that it makes it easier...but...both positives when you look at it in this light. I know that there were numerous ocassions when I acted just as your H did last night...not fun to feel it ourselves but perhaps helpful nontheless.
I'm glad that the evening turned around for both of you and that you enjoyed it. Another success for Sage!
That is so cool..my H would never do something like that, he is an infantry man through and through!
Quote: His reaction was less than stellar .
I'm sorry his initial reaction bummed you out but hey...
Quote: As we were leaving h said what a great time he had had and that he wanted to go to another one.
He had a great time, I wouldn't hold off on another one, it's fun and creates some excitement...just don't get there so early next time that way you don't have to stew in his negative reaction for too long. Maybe this will teach you both not to judge too harshly before you actually have the experience!
What did you do to stop??
. He asked a couple of questions in a way that was pretty clear he wasn't enthused ("It's not going to be a big group thing, is it?" etc). I told him that I didn't know what it would be like since I had never been to one. We were super early so we sat in the car for a LONG time...I was pretty quiet and trying to gauge my hurt -- was I overreacting? could I just not personalize? I acted "as if" as best I could (though I wanted to kick his sorry butt out of the car).