Looking backward...but only to move forward TWO

[sage]

If you have any experiences or tips that might help, I'd be grateful to you for sharing.

Mollie -- just a quick hit 'cause I'm at school...here are some thoughts to get you started! I'll write more later...

What has helped me...

1. first off I realized that I don't HAVE to bring up everything to h...not every thought, feeling , nuance, whatever deserves or merits conversation..that in and of itself is liberating.

2. when I do need to bring something up I really work hard at not torquing myself up...that was a huge problem for me before...I'd stew on stuff, get all emotional and then he'd bear the burden of my weeks of angst. Even if you do spend time thinking about it in advance work really hard to not overload him with emotions.

3. I mention at a good time (more on that next) that I'd like to talk with him about xyz in the next few days. That gives him a chance to think about it too...sometimes h would tell me that he felt blindsided because I would have spent all kinds of time thinking of stuff he hadn't even considered!

4. A good time for us is NOT late at night...NOT first thing in the morning either. It helps a lot if we have been getting along (so, not when we're feeling distant or whatever). Also, don't bring stuff up when he's about to walk out the door or if you have family coming over or other commitments even though all you're doing is saying you want a conversation to happen.

5. let him bring it up if you can. if he doesn't with a few days remind him again.

6. when you DO have the conversation, keep it brief. you can always have a follow up (or more). Listen more than you talk. Say 50% of what you want to say. What ASSumptions and blame. BE DIRECT and concise.

7. You can cycle back and have a follow up conversation easily so don't feel as though you can't.

Has h said anything to you about the timing of your conversations? my h (when I reflect back) was super clear with me about what worked/didn't work for him.

Sage