Looking backward...but only to move forward TWO

[sage]

Hi everyone! Wow! Nice to have both new and old friends visit!

The weekend was good -- we didn't see three movies, only one! I think we must have been CRAZY thinking we could see 3 with all the homework!

Friday I had an acupuncture appointment so I didn't get home until 7pm. h had said that he would make a "plan" but didn't so we spent 10 minutes (with me in my coat) trying to figure out a movie we could get to in time that wouldn't last so long that we'd be starving. It was a fool's errand so after a bit of that I took my coat off and said "let's not do this. I don't feel right about it and it's just feeling frustrating". So, we hung out for a while then h suggested we go to dinner at a place I like a lot (he made that a special mention!). Turned out that the place was too crowded so we went to a place we had never been before -- thereby discovering a GREAT mexican restaurant! hooray!

h apologized at one point for not having made the plan and while I had been feeling initially irked by it, I realized that my late arrival home was more of the problem so I said "hey, if you come home at 7pm on a friday and try to squeeze in a movie, you're just asking for trouble!"

Saturday we worked out, went to breakfast then did homework. I got a fair amount done. h worked for a long time on his paper. Sat. night we went to see "The Aviator" and then had dinner.

Without getting into the topic, I have been struggling with bringing up a particular subject for a while (I'm not trying to be coy...I just don't feel ready to post it here) and Friday night after dinner I mentioned to him that I'd like to speak with him about XYZ sometime. Saturday night he brought it up and we talked for a bit about it (kudos to h!)...it was a beginning conversation...we definitely have more to discuss but it was no where near as scary as I had made it out to be.

Sunday started out POORLY for h -- we went to the gym and when we came back he discovered that all of the edits he had made the day before were GONE. We have no idea how or why and believe me, h was a system administrator so if he could have found them he would have! It was NOT good at all! He handled it SO WELL, though (I would have been completely crazy!) and just knuckled down and started working again. We were going to go out last night and even went so far as to get ready but he just seemed so stressed that I suggested we stay home. He agreed, worked on his paper for a while longer while I read. We got pizza delivered and watched a DVD that we both really like.

He's home today -- still chugging away on it -- I'm off to school in a bit. Valentine's day is being put off 'til later in the week.

I'm working pretty hard to keep my mind still and quiet and not get filled up with noise, expectation and ASSumption. I feel like I don't always handle his stress very well -- mainly because his stress doesn't look much like mine -- so sometimes it's hard for me to recognize it! I did ok with most of it this weekend, though, I think...I don't mind not going out or changing plans to accommodate what he needs/wants. I can remember many times during the height of my school days when it would have made a big difference for me mentally to just KNOW that all was well.

One area that I'm not doing such a good job eliminating expection is . Yah, I know, it's the first thing to go when one is stressed! I'm very, very lucky and grateful that there is no absence of physical affection from me to h and back again...lots of hand holding and hugs and kisses so absolutely total gratitude and no complaints there! I was just kind of hoping for a bit more and found myself feeling a bit sad/dejected/etc that his mind was elsewhere. I have to stop personalizing it -- I've been trying to evoke a sense of non-threatening sexiness and passion by telling myself over and over "you are sexy and desirable" which is better than the beating myself up I usually do! I'm not even sure the point I'm trying to make...maybe just a reminder to myself to NOT personalize anything...not just selected reactions.

I blather on...see ya!

Sage