"We can't go on together with suspicious minds..." We all remember Elvis singing these words by Wayne Thompson, but it is equally true to say, that we cannot go on together with jealous or resentful minds. If our minds are anything other than clear and confident our relationships will suffer. Nor will the problems be restricted to romantic involvement. Work and family bonds will deteriorate too. The eclipse in your opposite sign is now intensifying an area of doubt or dispute, just prior to resolving it.
To say that it is apt would be a dramatic understatement...I look back on the last week+ and I'm not feeling great about what I'm seeing...it's been a week filled with doubting myself, scrutinizing my h, doing a lot of old, negative patterns of thought that just mire me in feeling badly about myself. I realized this morning that it IS this pattern...I start feeling badly about ME, lack of confidence, feeling insecure, without value and THEN I start looking at h for clues that my negative feelings ARE true...that just makes him uncomfortable, me uncomfortable, blah, blah...hello cruddy cycle.
A good reminder that I need to LISTEN:
Quote:
can someone tell me why I cannot HEAR the things that h IS saying? Why am I so DAMN SLOW to see and recognize and absorb all of the changes that he is making?
h tells me last night "I am working hard to earn your trust".
And while I thanked him last night and gave him good hugs and all...it was only after stomping around a bit today, feeling irked, thinking deep thoughts, that it really and truly hit me....that I really understood and absorbed what he said.
We battled over trust in the first years of our m. How I needed help to feel it...how he deemed that "my problem"...then of course, the a and the aftermath....I railed at him "I need you to do things differently" but I dunno, he just wasn't ready for that...
the same man now is talking about earning...my....trust....
why am I so blind and deaf?
It's like this stuff just doesn't penetrate...
well...maybe it does...but it seems to take me forever to GET IT.
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE REMIND ME OF THIS STATEMENT FROM H the next time I'm bemoaning my existence?
I come to this understanding over and over and over again:
Quote:
for the last week + I've been convinced that h was distancing himself from me...now that I look back on it I have to seriously wonder how much of it was in response to the "vibe" from me...and then us feeding off of each other.
Acorn posted a powerful post re. trust. Some conversation on it:
Quote:
I think what she's saying is that not trusting can certainly GET in the WAY of happiness in one's R. and without a doubt can get in the WAY of one's OWN happiness.
I guess I'd put it this way...what is your current state of mind doing to change:
Your OWN individual feelings/sitch Your h's individual feelings/sitch Your M together
Are your current feelings of anxiety and mistrust making YOU feel better? Making your h feel better? Bridging a gap in your m?
Is there some tangible outcome that's happening as a result of your questioning?
What would be different if you thought and acted as though:
I do not know for certain what has happened with my h, what his current actions are. I will not make ASSumptions about his behavior or feelings. I will choose to focus on what I can control -- myself -- my feelings -- my actions.
The comfort DOESN'T come from outside...it can't.
It has to come from within you.
and I think that's what Acorn meant.
I don't think there's a way to say: I trust that I'll never be hurt or lied to again.
I think it's more about: I trust that I'll be ok.
I'm not in a million years suggesting that one put oneself in a dangerous situation...but Rachael, isn't it time to take yourself off the merry-go-round?
Thoughts on the trust cycle:
Quote:
I feel like we're stuck in this cycle:
Sage: I feel suspicious when you act all jumpy H: I feel jumpy when you act all suspicious
there IS no ironclad m. I forgot to put that as one of my reasons why I was stymied by my GOALS around it!
I know there are no guarantees. I've read enough stories here to know that infidelity hits m's of all kinds and quality and people and ....
Does that mean that there can't be incremental improvements for me to make in my m that strengthens it? Of course not...that's the goal post that's 10 feet away instead of 500.
And to be perfectly fair...it isn't just about strengthening the m..it's about strengthening me, too because my m (and I) thrive when:
I'm confident I'm trusting I'm accepting I'm without judgement and expectation for h I'm compassionate I'm gracious I'm loving I'm not driven by fear or insecurity I'm secure
And those things come from me...yah, it helps to have h DO certain things but that groundedness comes from me.
What do I wish for?
I wish that I felt more secure in being me. That h knows that he can be him. That honesty was a fundamental building block of our r.
I still get very stuck at some of the things that seem "purposefully hidden" to me...but maybe that's ASSumption and EXPECTATION and fear.
Here’s me talking back to myself:
Quote:
This is same old, same old stuff from sage and it's irritating. honesty IS a daily part of my m and to pretend any differently is to discount h's hard work and my hard work. This statement is about FEAR and a feeling of trying to CONTROL in an effort to escape that FEAR. I want to know what I don't know...feel as though if I amass enough facts then I can somehow protect myself from being HURT again.
but clinging to the old mantra only keeps me in anxiety mode, in "looking for more mode", in "peering at h with xray vision" mode...it gets me no closer to my goal of "honesty" -- in fact it takes me away from it. It adds stress to our daily interactions, it feels like crap to me, too. I can imagine it's no fun for h, either.
I'm NOT saying I've been on hyper alert but I have gotten myself mired in thinking that we're stuck in this area when we're simply not.
Some struggles I was having over self-confidence vs self-centeredness:
Quote:
here's a glimpse into how disconnected and warped my thought process is....I think this is a crux of my "moving forward" problems of late....
There WAS a time when I felt confident in myself...when I felt smart and pretty and sexy and funny and good at my job and a good person and kind of like "a catch".
At least I **think** I did...and I'd say that was sometime before my world got rocked by the ea....
so...here's my warped point...at SOME point I picked my head up and realized that SOMETHING was going on with my m and my h and ow...it was like I was not paying attention or something up until then...
and in my warped little brain I am VERY confused about the chain of events (one of the reasons why I'm SO hellbent on understanding from h WHAT his thought process was during the beginning days of the A...)
Was I just not paying enough attention? Was I angry? Was I judgemental? Was I XYZ?
So..somehow in my brain I've equated feeling good about ME with h having an a...like, if I start to feel good about me again then I'll stop paying attention to what he needs and I'll get selfish and angry and judgemental again....
So...like I feel like self-confidence and a sense of security leads to my self-centeredness.
Know what I mean?
But self-confidence ISN'T self-centeredness...I know that!
And in some ways I've learned so much about myself in the last year that I think I can keep a tighter handle on the behaviors that contributed.
But in some ways I'm terrified that I can't.
Of course...this whole post reeks of "alleged self-centeredness" (when it's really fear) because I'm still looking at myself as THE focal point that drove h's ea.
The short version: I'm worried that I won't figure out the balance between feeling more self-confident and being self-absorbed.
Blah.
I know, know, know that it was anger and judgement and expection and ASSumption...not feeling good about me.
Plus what the hell kind of a tradeoff is that anyway?
AH…these goals would be very useful TODAY!:
Quote: Anyway...I realized this morning that it actually takes only 1 hour to do three things that REALLY help my PMA...
So...my goal for the next three weeks (since that's how long it takes to make a habit supposedly) is to do the following:
meditate every day (15 mins) do flybaby assignment or just general declutter (15 mins) exercise (30 mins)
Status of day one: DONE! I meditated, cleaned out my spice cabinet, did pilates for 25 minutes and walked for 20.
Additional goal for each week: Do 2 things each week that I wouldn't normally do -- possibilities are endless here...eat something I normally wouldn't, go somewhere I wouldn't go, etc. Think up cool things.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
