Looking backward...but only to move forward TWO

[sage]

How long will this take me if I do two a day?

My thirteenth thread

Reflecting back on the past weeks:

here's my weekly cainercast:

"We can't go on together with suspicious minds..." We all remember Elvis singing these words by Wayne Thompson, but it is equally true to say, that we cannot go on together with jealous or resentful minds. If our minds are anything other than clear and confident our relationships will suffer. Nor will the problems be restricted to romantic involvement. Work and family bonds will deteriorate too. The eclipse in your opposite sign is now intensifying an area of doubt or dispute, just prior to resolving it.


To say that it is apt would be a dramatic understatement...I look back on the last week+ and I'm not feeling great about what I'm seeing...it's been a week filled with doubting myself, scrutinizing my h, doing a lot of old, negative patterns of thought that just mire me in feeling badly about myself. I realized this morning that it IS this pattern...I start feeling badly about ME, lack of confidence, feeling insecure, without value and THEN I start looking at h for clues that my negative feelings ARE true...that just makes him uncomfortable, me uncomfortable, blah, blah...hello cruddy cycle.

A good reminder that I need to LISTEN:

can someone tell me why I cannot HEAR the things that h IS saying? Why am I so DAMN SLOW to see and recognize and absorb all of the changes that he is making?

h tells me last night "I am working hard to earn your trust".

And while I thanked him last night and gave him good hugs and all...it was only after stomping around a bit today, feeling irked, thinking deep thoughts, that it really and truly hit me....that I really understood and absorbed what he said.

We battled over trust in the first years of our m. How I needed help to feel it...how he deemed that "my problem"...then of course, the a and the aftermath....I railed at him "I need you to do things differently" but I dunno, he just wasn't ready for that...

the same man now is talking about earning...my....trust....

why am I so blind and deaf?

It's like this stuff just doesn't penetrate...

well...maybe it does...but it seems to take me forever to GET IT.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE REMIND ME OF THIS STATEMENT FROM H the next time I'm bemoaning my existence?

I come to this understanding over and over and over again:

for the last week + I've been convinced that h was distancing himself from me...now that I look back on it I have to seriously wonder how much of it was in response to the "vibe" from me...and then us feeding off of each other.

Acorn posted a powerful post re. trust. Some conversation on it:

I think what she's saying is that not trusting can certainly GET in the WAY of happiness in one's R. and without a doubt can get in the WAY of one's OWN happiness.

I guess I'd put it this way...what is your current state of mind doing to change:

Your OWN individual feelings/sitch
Your h's individual feelings/sitch
Your M together

Are your current feelings of anxiety and mistrust making YOU feel better? Making your h feel better? Bridging a gap in your m?

Is there some tangible outcome that's happening as a result of your questioning?

What would be different if you thought and acted as though:

I do not know for certain what has happened with my h, what his current actions are. I will not make ASSumptions about his behavior or feelings. I will choose to focus on what I can control -- myself -- my feelings -- my actions.

The comfort DOESN'T come from outside...it can't.

It has to come from within you.

and I think that's what Acorn meant.

I don't think there's a way to say:
I trust that I'll never be hurt or lied to again.

I think it's more about:
I trust that I'll be ok.

I'm not in a million years suggesting that one put oneself in a dangerous situation...but Rachael, isn't it time to take yourself off the merry-go-round?

Thoughts on the trust cycle:

I feel like we're stuck in this cycle:

Sage: I feel suspicious when you act all jumpy
H: I feel jumpy when you act all suspicious

there IS no ironclad m. I forgot to put that as one of my reasons why I was stymied by my GOALS around it!

I know there are no guarantees. I've read enough stories here to know that infidelity hits m's of all kinds and quality and people and ....

Does that mean that there can't be incremental improvements for me to make in my m that strengthens it? Of course not...that's the goal post that's 10 feet away instead of 500.

And to be perfectly fair...it isn't just about strengthening the m..it's about strengthening me, too because my m (and I) thrive when:

I'm confident
I'm trusting
I'm accepting
I'm without judgement and expectation for h
I'm compassionate
I'm gracious
I'm loving
I'm not driven by fear or insecurity
I'm secure

And those things come from me...yah, it helps to have h DO certain things but that groundedness comes from me.

What do I wish for?

I wish that I felt more secure in being me.
That h knows that he can be him.
That honesty was a fundamental building block of our r.

I still get very stuck at some of the things that seem "purposefully hidden" to me...but maybe that's ASSumption and EXPECTATION and fear.

Here’s me talking back to myself:

This is same old, same old stuff from sage and it's irritating. honesty IS a daily part of my m and to pretend any differently is to discount h's hard work and my hard work. This statement is about FEAR and a feeling of trying to CONTROL in an effort to escape that FEAR. I want to know what I don't know...feel as though if I amass enough facts then I can somehow protect myself from being HURT again.

but clinging to the old mantra only keeps me in anxiety mode, in "looking for more mode", in "peering at h with xray vision" mode...it gets me no closer to my goal of "honesty" -- in fact it takes me away from it. It adds stress to our daily interactions, it feels like crap to me, too. I can imagine it's no fun for h, either.

I'm NOT saying I've been on hyper alert but I have gotten myself mired in thinking that we're stuck in this area when we're simply not.

Some struggles I was having over self-confidence vs self-centeredness:

here's a glimpse into how disconnected and warped my thought process is....I think this is a crux of my "moving forward" problems of late....

There WAS a time when I felt confident in myself...when I felt smart and pretty and sexy and funny and good at my job and a good person and kind of like "a catch".

At least I **think** I did...and I'd say that was sometime before my world got rocked by the ea....

so...here's my warped point...at SOME point I picked my head up and realized that SOMETHING was going on with my m and my h and ow...it was like I was not paying attention or something up until then...

and in my warped little brain I am VERY confused about the chain of events (one of the reasons why I'm SO hellbent on understanding from h WHAT his thought process was during the beginning days of the A...)

Was I just not paying enough attention?
Was I angry?
Was I judgemental?
Was I XYZ?

So..somehow in my brain I've equated feeling good about ME with h having an a...like, if I start to feel good about me again then I'll stop paying attention to what he needs and I'll get selfish and angry and judgemental again....

So...like I feel like self-confidence and a sense of security leads to my self-centeredness.

Know what I mean?

But self-confidence ISN'T self-centeredness...I know that!

And in some ways I've learned so much about myself in the last year that I think I can keep a tighter handle on the behaviors that contributed.

But in some ways I'm terrified that I can't.

Of course...this whole post reeks of "alleged self-centeredness" (when it's really fear) because I'm still looking at myself as THE focal point that drove h's ea.

The short version: I'm worried that I won't figure out the balance between feeling more self-confident and being self-absorbed.

Blah.

I know, know, know that it was anger and judgement and expection and ASSumption...not feeling good about me.

Plus what the hell kind of a tradeoff is that anyway?

AH…these goals would be very useful TODAY!:

Anyway...I realized this morning that it actually takes only 1 hour to do three things that REALLY help my PMA...

So...my goal for the next three weeks (since that's how long it takes to make a habit supposedly) is to do the following:

meditate every day (15 mins)
do flybaby assignment or just general declutter (15 mins)
exercise (30 mins)

Status of day one: DONE!
I meditated, cleaned out my spice cabinet, did pilates for 25 minutes and walked for 20.

Additional goal for each week:
Do 2 things each week that I wouldn't normally do --
possibilities are endless here...eat something I normally wouldn't, go somewhere I wouldn't go, etc. Think up cool things.

Sage

[minnie1]

Hi Sage,

Thank you so much for pulling these threads for us. So much good stuff and so much proof of all the hard work you've done.

" The struggle ended when I stopped struggling. That is, I stopped trying so hard not to be sad. I realized and accepted that I'd always be sad about it. And I began to look around me. Who isn't sad about something missed in life? Or about something terrible that has been endured? "

This hit close to home. I've accepted that this will always be for me....not to make a happy life myself in spite of....

So much of what you write speaks of how I'm feeling....thank you articulating so much of what I can't put in words.

I hope you and H enjoy yourselves and your weekdend (yeah, even with all that homework!).

Minnie

[2much]

Hi Sage..I just wanted to drop in and say I have been reading all your posts because I am in the same place as you are now with your R. Everything your write I could have written!!
You have done such a good job, and this may sound petty, but it is nice to hear that Im not the only one who struggles daily with trying to believe that our R is really moving forward.

Some days are better than others...as I am sure you know...and when things are good, they are so good, but it only takes the smallest thing to make the "fear" or "panic" to come back into our lives....sure does suck sometimes....

Anyways, just wanted to let you know..I know EXACTLY what you are going through...

Heres my post if you want to check it out..

Still hurts sometimes...

[Enordy]

Sage -

All I can say is Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I am new to DBing and luckily stumbled upon your threads. Your insight and honesty has been a tremendous help to me as I struggle to get through each day. I read and re-read your insights and success. I only hope I can follow in your footsteps.

Quick view of my sitch:
Married 8 years ...together 10+
M - 32
H - 33
S - 2.5

Husband began going into his cave in August...unhappy but could not articulate why. fast forward to now...he began affair with co-worker in Novemeber and moved out on Jan 9th. We see each other daily due to S. I am struggling with staying on track and desperatley want our M to work. I am getting lots of mixed messages from him and don't know if I am coming or going from day to day.

Thank you for reminding me to stay the course...It is my desire to come out of it with the strength and relationship you have!

Thank you -
Enordy

[minnie1]

Hello Sage!

Hope you had a beautiful and productive weekend. How's that homework coming along?

I also hope that this week is a less hectic than the past two.

Minnie

[unsure70]

Hi Sage--thanks for stopping by my thread...I answered your questions plus some...

Hope you had a great weekend...did you fit all 3 movies into your busy schedule?

Unsure

[sage]

Hi everyone! Wow! Nice to have both new and old friends visit!

The weekend was good -- we didn't see three movies, only one! I think we must have been CRAZY thinking we could see 3 with all the homework!

Friday I had an acupuncture appointment so I didn't get home until 7pm. h had said that he would make a "plan" but didn't so we spent 10 minutes (with me in my coat) trying to figure out a movie we could get to in time that wouldn't last so long that we'd be starving. It was a fool's errand so after a bit of that I took my coat off and said "let's not do this. I don't feel right about it and it's just feeling frustrating". So, we hung out for a while then h suggested we go to dinner at a place I like a lot (he made that a special mention!). Turned out that the place was too crowded so we went to a place we had never been before -- thereby discovering a GREAT mexican restaurant! hooray!

h apologized at one point for not having made the plan and while I had been feeling initially irked by it, I realized that my late arrival home was more of the problem so I said "hey, if you come home at 7pm on a friday and try to squeeze in a movie, you're just asking for trouble!"

Saturday we worked out, went to breakfast then did homework. I got a fair amount done. h worked for a long time on his paper. Sat. night we went to see "The Aviator" and then had dinner.

Without getting into the topic, I have been struggling with bringing up a particular subject for a while (I'm not trying to be coy...I just don't feel ready to post it here) and Friday night after dinner I mentioned to him that I'd like to speak with him about XYZ sometime. Saturday night he brought it up and we talked for a bit about it (kudos to h!)...it was a beginning conversation...we definitely have more to discuss but it was no where near as scary as I had made it out to be.

Sunday started out POORLY for h -- we went to the gym and when we came back he discovered that all of the edits he had made the day before were GONE. We have no idea how or why and believe me, h was a system administrator so if he could have found them he would have! It was NOT good at all! He handled it SO WELL, though (I would have been completely crazy!) and just knuckled down and started working again. We were going to go out last night and even went so far as to get ready but he just seemed so stressed that I suggested we stay home. He agreed, worked on his paper for a while longer while I read. We got pizza delivered and watched a DVD that we both really like.

He's home today -- still chugging away on it -- I'm off to school in a bit. Valentine's day is being put off 'til later in the week.

I'm working pretty hard to keep my mind still and quiet and not get filled up with noise, expectation and ASSumption. I feel like I don't always handle his stress very well -- mainly because his stress doesn't look much like mine -- so sometimes it's hard for me to recognize it! I did ok with most of it this weekend, though, I think...I don't mind not going out or changing plans to accommodate what he needs/wants. I can remember many times during the height of my school days when it would have made a big difference for me mentally to just KNOW that all was well.

One area that I'm not doing such a good job eliminating expection is . Yah, I know, it's the first thing to go when one is stressed! I'm very, very lucky and grateful that there is no absence of physical affection from me to h and back again...lots of hand holding and hugs and kisses so absolutely total gratitude and no complaints there! I was just kind of hoping for a bit more and found myself feeling a bit sad/dejected/etc that his mind was elsewhere. I have to stop personalizing it -- I've been trying to evoke a sense of non-threatening sexiness and passion by telling myself over and over "you are sexy and desirable" which is better than the beating myself up I usually do! I'm not even sure the point I'm trying to make...maybe just a reminder to myself to NOT personalize anything...not just selected reactions.

I blather on...see ya!

Sage

[slowly]

Hi Sage - Whoa - your thirteenth thread seems like just what I need this week Trust, expectations are my big issues right now. Thanks once again for pulling out these gems.

Just wondering, you clearly feel that the journey is a continuous one for you - are there any milestones you are shooting for?

Slowly

[sage]

Slowly --

Just wondering, you clearly feel that the journey is a continuous one for you - are there any milestones you are shooting for?

That's an interesting question...otoh, I DO feel like DB'ing is a "forever more" journey for me -- the 180s, looking at things as part of a cycle between me and h, the journalling, etc...so still being here and "working" feels right. otOh, I haven't put goals (or milestones) down in quite some time...so maybe I'm not focusing on DB'ing as much as I think I am --

I guess I'd say I have 2 milestones and one general "overlay". the milestones are still too high level -- would like to feel more comfortable/happier with our frequency and would like to feel more at ease about bringing "stuff" up to h. I think I posted earlier this week about having some success with the latter -- and it was really an implementation of what I knew to be true -- bring up the subject briefly in ADVANCE, pick my time wisely (not too early or too late), let h bring it up the second time, keep the conversation fairly short, etc. I guess what bothered me was that I stewed for months (literally) about how to bring the topic up -- my fault clearly but still a bummer.

The overlay is about feeling "healed" or "out of the woods" or "comfortable in my own skin" or whatever -- sometimes I totally feel it and sometimes I just don't. Maybe that's fine for now -- maybe even forever. No, actually, not forever...I still feel down too often to have this be a long term sustainable feeling. The good news? Well, it's clearly w/in my control...just not quite there yet.

I have in my Palm Pilot a note every six months to reread DR. It fell earlier this month when I was in the midst of a lot of school stuff so I pushed it out a bit. Sometime in the next few weeks I think I need to take a gander at it. Probably mainly as a reminder that we've come a long way but maybe also a reminder that I can break stuff down into manageable chunks and have an impact.

I guess I should clarify that I'm delighted and happy and wonderous and grateful about where my M is now...no way am I minimizing that...I just still (happily and consciously) consider myself a work in progress!

Sage

[sage]

Had a great night last night. H had a good day at school and had done enough on his paper that he decided he needed a relaxed evening in lieu of homework! He told me that he'd have a plan for when I got home -- and he DID! I didn't even take my coat off...he whisked me back into the car and we went for a nice dinner at a mexican restaurant we love and then onto see another Oscar contender -- "Being Julia". The timing of the whole thing was perfect, h was wonderful and sweet (at one point during the movie he leaned over and said "ILY" ) and we just had a really good time. He's hard at work at school today -- but he sent me a really great e-mail this AM- much longer than usual and quite cute.

We've worked out every day since Saturday -- I think the endorphins are good for us!

Tonight he has more work on his paper (due today) so we'll have a relaxing evening at home after he hands it in! I've got an acupuncture appointment so I get to leave work a little early -- hooray!

************
I don't know why but this joke that was e-mailed to me totally cracks me up:

One of Boston's wealthy, elderly female residents decides to go on a
photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for
company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long
he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having a
poodle for a lunch.
The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!" But this is an
Massachusetts poodle, got a good education, scored high on
MCAS, etc. Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of
terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says
the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who has been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. The poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something
must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard and tells him the whole
story, how the leopard was tricked. He strikes a deal for himself with
the leopard. The leopard is furious at being fooled by the little poodle
and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."
Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog
sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says,
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
back another leopard!"