At this point in the R, we were 1 year post bomb. h had recently struck up a school friendship with a ff and I was struggling with that a bit...but there were big positives, too. I had a massage on the 1st anniversary of the bomb. I have to admit that I still feel very self-protective even today. I’m not sure how to “break” that.:
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My Saturday AM of pampering was FUN Had a massage and a manicure and pedicure. I didn't do the shopping I thought I would do...just seemed more relaxing to come home and nest.
A kind of strange thing happened after my massage. The masseuse came out to talk with me. She asked me if I had any questions. I said "No" (I was too relaxed!). She asked again Finally I said "Is there something that you want to talk with me about?". She hesitated and said "well, I know you said that you carry most of your stress in your neck. Well, I can feel a tightness in your whole body. And, it doesn't really feel like stress to me...it feels like guardedness...as though you are trying to protect something by closing off your body. I don't know...I could just feel a very self-protective tension in you...and it seems as though it might be keeping you from feeling really free."
I asked her what she suggested...she said so much of what I'm doing already...(eat right, exercise, meditation,etc).
My strong sense right now is that I need to let things be, let myself be, just relax. I think that trying to FIX this isn't going to be helpful. I think I need to just continue connecting with h...by doing the things that make us feel good and close...and just see if I can open myself up a bit every day. I'm still feeling afraid of being hurt but I think that's ok for now.
Here were some thoughts I had about how to deal when h was mentioning a FF and I was struggling with insecurity. Could be useful today!:
Quote: INSTEAD of internally freaking out (and to be HONEST -- I'd actually been doing GREAT with this until today. I mean, really, really great -- didn't even feel any flutters! And even today I didn't feel like something was going ON I just felt like "for crying out loud...WHY do I have to deal with this?")...anyway...I digressed...everytime he mentions her name, I will take it as a reminder that I should fill h's love tank...speak his LL (what the hell is it???? Acts of Service? QT?). I will delightfully and lovingly be reminded that his needs NEED to be fulfilled and who better to do that than his fabulous, gorgeous, self-confident, smart wife???
Wise words from LL!:
Quote: neither of you are the same person as you were in the past...believe it or not you BOTH have learned and grown from this experience.
Instead of looking for reasons why what happend happend (sheesh I hate to use the same word twice)...keep looking for ways to keep things from happening.
I know I know...how can I keep it from happening if I don't know why it happend.
let go of that line of thinking...going back there and trying to figure it all out isn't going to get you to where you want to be...stay in the now and work toward something that is better.
More from LL!:
Quote: here's a way to look at it..if you cling to the "old" it will be everlasting...viewing things through your "old" glasses will no doubt keep some of that "old" around. Keeping on your "new" glasses and your new way of looking at and reacting (or not) to things is going to keep the "new" here for the long run...and yes sage..it's real! no one is going to say to you..ok you can wake up now.
and if you keep looking over your shoulder you are bound to trip and not see what is in front of you.
Deep thoughts from Sage about Sage:
Quote: I had kind of a flash of insight this AM (glad I didn't hurt anyone in the process!)...it was a combo of a few things...last night I felt a little sad...no real reason...just some sadness...and then when I was trying to fall asleep I got so MAD at myself for feeling down...
This morning...on the way to the gym...I was still beating myself up over .. I remembered how nervous I felt yesterday about posting my ASSumptions on my DB thread...scared that if h read them he would think "well, this is more of the same...she'll never be happy"...even a little nervous that YOU GUYS would think "she's still stuck"...and then it hit me....
my resistance to the way that I feel sometimes. my beating myself up...my fears that h will get angry at me for still feeling sad, hurt, whatever some times....heck, it's all getting in the way of ME accepting ME.
It's getting in the way of ME feeling JUST FINE the way that I am.
It's getting in the way of ME feeling comfortable with myself...and being/acting/doing things that express my comfort.
What you resist, persists.
Here it is... this is me. sometimes I'm still sad. sometimes I'm still angry. sometimes I'm still confused. sometimes I make mistakes in my actions. sometimes I make ASSumptions...about myself, about others. sometimes I have expectations. sometimes I over think things. sometimes I'm scared.
But MOST of the time? Most of the time I'm happier than I have ever been...in my new marriage, in my present, loving, delightful husband...in his hard work...in mine...
That's just the way it is, the way that I am.
it changes. I change. whoop...there I go again!
I'm doing the best I can.
I'm exactly where I need to be in terms of my "me-ness", my healing, my state of mind.
A few days ago I was thinking about h's a. and my dad's leaving...and I thought "how could they have been so indifferent to me? or worse, so hateful?"
But...don't I treat myself with indifference? self-hatred?
This AM I was bemoaning...Why can't h accept me as I am -- all the overthinking, all the emotions, all the me-ness?
And then I thought...have I accepted myself?
I've been fighting myself. Beating myself up.
How about I take that edge off of it?
Sounds like a plan.
I'm gonna keep letting my actions represent my best self ... (I've been doing quite well at this!)
No "time bomb" feelings for h, I hope.
Here's something that was in AARP magazine (the author is talking about not having kids...)...it was interesting to me that I found this TODAY:
" The struggle ended when I stopped struggling. That is, I stopped trying so hard not to be sad. I realized and accepted that I'd always be sad about it. And I began to look around me. Who isn't sad about something missed in life? Or about something terrible that has been endured? "
Maybe this will help someone who is married to someone who won’t do it “by the book”:
Quote: Quote:
Your H seems to be the ideal post A husband!
well....that's certainly a mixed blessing, no?
Honestly? My h has been wonderful but he hasn't been the "text book" post-A "gotta do this or you're doomed to failure" guy....
IOW, the first time I read "After the Affair" I wept because I knew that many of the things in there were things that h just wouldn't do....
We've struggled mightily with my "need" for words and reassurances and his "need" to be trusted w/o them.
It's been slow and scary. It's taken some tremendous effort on both parts...particularly in the area of just "letting the other be".
It's my hope that the pace, the hard work, the learning process has made this all sustainable....
I'm a very lucky woman. I do hope that he views himself as a lucky man.
And I grateful that I've grown new ways to see and appreciate all that he does for me...that was the biggest key for me...to "hear" with different ears.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
