Looking backward...but only to move forward TWO

[sage]

Hi everyone,
Happy Monday (lol!) It's been a busy one and I'm leaving for school soon...this week SHOULD be more relaxed than last week, so I'm hoping to get caught up on people's sitchs.

Things are quite good. I had school on Friday and Satuday. Friday night was supposed to be the night of the get together that raised all of my fears -- turned out that it got put off because it wasn't going to be the "casual social event" that he thought this time -- so, FF suggested that h come with her a different time to meet everyone.

When h found out he wasn't going, he sent lots of cute emails about how he could now have a date with me, etc. Very nice and more WOA from him. I'm completely blanking on what we ended up doing.

Saturday was a big day for h -- he got elected to next year's executive committee for the law review! He was at school all day waiting on pins and needles! Once he got elected, he had to participate in the rest of the elections so it was a LONG day! I got out of school fairly early and went and picked him up. We had some champagne and relaxed and talked and had a quiet night at home. I could feel comfort level between us increase by leaps and bounds -- is it really that I read into his stress and react so negatively to it? arrgh.

Anyway, we had lots of relaxation and some really lovely words between us...I guess you could say that it was a borderline "r talk" -- just kind of reaffirming that we're here for each other.

Another thing...h went online to look for a menu for us to order take out. Before he did, he apparently read his e-mail because he mentioned a few things that he had received -- then he sort of flipped out a bit and said 'oh, no! did it bother you that I read my e-mail? I'm really sorry!" He was completely apologetic but TBH, it hadn't even occurred to me to be upset -- the times when I've gotten upset in the past were when it felt like he was hiding reading his e-mail or rushing to it when we were in the midst of doing something-- this time he was totally open and natural and sharing and I wasn't upset at all. It DOES take two to make a sitch!

Sunday I did homework for a lot of the day and then we went to a Super Bowl party. Definitely a good time.

Yesterday afternoon h asked me if I wanted to go out with FF and her h. sometime -- certainly a nice gesture to be open with me, include me in the friendship, etc. I think I talked over him a bit when he made the suggestion (I was nervous about the whole topic) so I felt a little weird about that. anyway, I said that sounded like fun. I'll leave it to him to make those arrangements.

H2H

I do know where this feeling comes from and your queasiness over the 'new name'/event. Yes, a lot of it comes from the A, but I do think a lot, if not most of it, comes from inside you. Your H. seems to be very careful to 'ask permission' to attend, to assure you he won't be late, etc. He is tiptoeing around you so that you are reassured. But deep down, Sage you don't seem to believe that YOU are worth being faithful, open & honest to. I think that pit in your stomach will go away when you finally believe in YOU.

Oh, I know well the beating our esteem & confidence took in these sitches - and it is far easier for me to say believe in yourself, than it is to actually believe in myself. But doesn't it come down to that? We know we are bright, fun, attractive, hardworking, conscientious women with a whole big R tool box to help us. I doubt we will ever be in that 'state' we were before all this happened - and so I think we just have to believe that we are fine, that we are worthy, that we will not fall like that again.

YES. You got it, friend. This IS about the way I feel about ME in so many ways. I've noticed myself "trash talking" about me a bunch over the last few weeks -- mainly that I've been feeling like I've lapsed on some of the stuff that I've worked hard to change (listening, patience, etc) and I've been ranting at myself "see? you're no different than you were 3 years ago. Why do you expect the outcome to be different?", etc. I get down on myself, start picking at h, get afraid, get distant and then wonder why things don't feel "good".

Why does it feel like such a constant challenge for me to believe in the goodness of what we have?

Part of my R talk with h was peripherally around this subject...mainly that I needed to start believing in myself a whole heap more.

Minnie --

FWIW: I think that your H does a great job of trying to reassure you. What if you simply let him?

YES. You are right. h does try to reassure me in many different ways. Your words helped me a lot over the weekend...I tried to stay "present" when h was offering WOA.

Karen Hey! How are ya?

Have you ever noticed that how you feel about H depends totally on yourself. For example, one week you're feeling all lovey dovey/open and you think H is the greatest. Then the next week, you feel critical and so you start picking out some negatives that H is doing i.e. being quiet, distant, sad. It occured to me that here I am the one feeling distant, critical, etc. which in turn colors how I see H.

Same goes for the pit in your stomach. Only YOU can control the pit. You KNOW you can make it go away at times. What are you doing differently when you don't have the pit? What are you getting by allowing yourself to feel the pit?

YUP! You are completely right about it being w/in my control...I don't KNOW what I'm doing when I feel ok -- keeping busy? tending to myself? doing a good mix of meeting h's needs and my own? I really need to think about what makes it "work" for me!

Frankly -- Thanks for the visit and the amazingly kind words. I will seek your sitch out this week when I have a bit more time. Come find me if I haven't.

Unsure, Slowly -- Thanks, friends, for the support! You guys are always there and know just what to say to keep my chin up. thanks for the reminders of how far h and I have come.

Livnlearn --

So, when reconciliation takes place, even when we hear the reassurances, is there not still a slight doubt that 'it doesn't mean or guarantee a thing'? How does one get over that one?

No easy answer for this...my gut thoughts are that WOA are a piece of a bigger puzzle that also couples actions, etc, and paints a bigger picture of how things are. Of course, there's nothing that says that all of the WOAs and positives are necessarily going to keep another bomb at bay, is there? Nothing IS guaranteed -- I suppose all you can do is give it your best shot (hardly comforting).

I found this while cleaning out my email today -- it's from 12/10/04:

'It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by
them.' So observed Confucius, the ancient sage and philosopher. Whilst
we should never allow ourselves to believe everything we are told, we
must be careful not to get into a state of continual suspicion. We can
end up with our guard raised so high, that nothing can get through to
us. And if we look for things to be quizzical of in this world, it
never takes us long to find them. This weekend, you may as well be
generous with the benefit of the doubt. In the end, this will benefit
you.

NikNak -- HEY!

how many times we have to remember that so much of this is "choice" plain and simple. we have a choice to feel negative, suspicious, uncomfortable or whatever. we have to also remember how much of those negative feelings are based on pased happenings, that is the only thing we can compare it to

your negativity, no matter what brought it up will only snowball into more negativity. so put up that stop sign and focus on the positives.

IF anything is amiss, it will come out, and you are not a fool to have believed - the other party is the fool to have trampled on your faith - remember that faith is the assured expectation of realities not seen - have faith that your hubby is on the up and up - protrude that faith in all you do, and your hubby will rise to meet those expectations

Of course this makes sense! I've seen over and over and over again that "what I focus on expands" so positive should be trouncing negative BIG TIME!



Gotta run to a meeting!

Thanks again, everyone..you guys rule.

Sage