((((Sage)))), First I wanted to send you a big hug, because I think you've got a lot on your shoulders with school & work, and there is an 'added', oft unspoken, pressure when you are about to complete your degree regarding 'what are you going to do with it?'. As I mentioned to you during our lunch, I finished my MBA part time as well and recall "Everybody" asking me what I was going to "do" when I finished, as if the full time job I had and just living wasn't up to snuff. It's a wonderful feeling to be close to finishing, and also somewhat daunting, like you have to 'do' something spectacular with the degree. All I can say is that things fell quickly into place for me without having to really worry so much about it - luck or coincidence I don't know . . . but it will happen for you too!
Quote: I just wish it didn't feel impossible for me to NOT feel this way. The "will I always feel this pit of my stomach fear?" feeling.
I do know where this feeling comes from and your queasiness over the 'new name'/event. Yes, a lot of it comes from the A, but I do think a lot, if not most of it, comes from inside you. Your H. seems to be very careful to 'ask permission' to attend, to assure you he won't be late, etc. He is tiptoeing around you so that you are reassured. But deep down, Sage you don't seem to believe that YOU are worth being faithful, open & honest to. I think that pit in your stomach will go away when you finally believe in YOU.
Oh, I know well the beating our esteem & confidence took in these sitches - and it is far easier for me to say believe in yourself, than it is to actually believe in myself. But doesn't it come down to that? We know we are bright, fun, attractive, hardworking, conscientious women with a whole big R tool box to help us. I doubt we will ever be in that 'state' we were before all this happened - and so I think we just have to believe that we are fine, that we are worthy, that we will not fall like that again.
Not sure if I am making sense to you - but I see the problem more within you than externally in the details... well, I do know it's that way with me.
