Hi Sage - Wow, some amazing things here, some resonate so much over with me.
Quote: The other thing that's been sort of weighing on me is that I feel like I've been shying away from talking with h about some stuff..not bad stuff (no R talks! or crazymaking) but just feeling shy about asking him how he feels about things...so much of it is because of MY ASSumptions about how he'll react...and that's not fair to him and it creates this crappy dynamic.
I kinda feel this way a lot lately, but in my case I know its too soon. Hve you tried testing the waters a bit? Maybe H is ready, and is just waiting for cues from you?
Quote: One big thing happened last night..h and I decided to look something up on the internet...I came around to look at his screen and he had his email up so I said "whoops! sorry! and walked away". He called me over, sat me down on his lap and said "I don't want you to feel that way..." then he gave me a big hug and said "I want to be open and honest with you always". Not bad, not bad at all!!!!
Can I say, well done you, and I'm just sooo envious - NG still 'escapes' his email screen even as he sees me in the vicinity. Ugh
Good to see just how far you have come, Sage. The rest of us need the inspiration!!
I often find myself nodding my head when reading your thread...I can definitely relate to what you have gone thru on your journey...
Quote: Hve you tried testing the waters a bit? Maybe H is ready, and is just waiting for cues from you?
I haven't tried testing the waters and if h is waiting for clues from me, well, he's probably confused . TBH, I think that h (in some ways) discloses more of how he feels about stuff to me than I do to him...what still feels odd to me is that I just don't feel like I know how to bring stuff up to him...
Quote: Can I say, well done you, and I'm just sooo envious - NG still 'escapes' his email screen even as he sees me in the vicinity. Ugh
Believe me...this has taken a LONG, LONG time ...it wasn't that long ago that I posted about h swapping screens when I came into a room.
Quote: Good to see just how far you have come, Sage. The rest of us need the inspiration!!
I'm not feeling particularly inspirational right now but thanks for reminding me that we HAVE come a long way.
Yesterday wasn't a great day. I've been torquing myself up this week due to being stressed out (work, school) and part of that has been sort of scrutinizing h -- I posted Monday that he seemed "off" -- sad, distant, whatever...the feeling has pervaded (but then I get wrapped up in "which came first...the 'off' behavior or my scrutiny?") I had a bad trigger yesterday because I went off to school after work and hadn't heard from h all afternoon (he was at school). I had that "why isn't he e-mailing me" feeling and it (combined with being at school) reminded me of the pre-bomb days (aka school night = date night with xow). I tried calming myself down on the way home but it just didn't work and I walked in with a wary attitude. h was fine....I told him I was sad that he hadn't emailed me, etc, then found myself lightly grilling him a bit about the timing of his day. Made me feel like crap.
I guess he sensed it because when we were falling asleep he said "Do you know how much I love you?" and then proceeded to create an elaborate answer.
So...the deal is this...a new name has been popping up in conversation with h...someone from school and my sensitivity/radar is freaking out. Now, I should be completely honest that my radar pretty much always freaks out whenever a new name pops up and gradually it abates. It's early for this new name so, well, it'll take a while to abate...
but...just got an email from h saying "'new name' asked me if I wanted to go to a post-work function (where the ADA's and law clerks from different divisions get together) that the DA's office is having tomorrow after work. Apparently her boss said it was OK if I went <snip> I'll get to meet a lot of the ADA's, which could be beneficial for a summer (or long-term) position.
Is it OK if I go? I can't remember if we had anything scheduled. I wouldn't stay too long, maybe you could meet me in town and we could go on a fun date afterwards! "
He then continued the e-mail with some very cute descriptions of how much he loves me.
Sigh.
I'm not even considering saying "don't go" or even telling him that I feel insecure (too reminiscent of when I brought up xow for the first time) or anything of the sort. It's completely "more of the same" for me to feel insecure about this and would be completely "more of the same" for him to be irked by it. I know that.
And I know that this job thing is a very big deal for him.
I can't say "I wish the a hadn't busted my trust in him" because my problem was always that I was untrusting ANYWAY.
I just wish it didn't feel impossible for me to NOT feel this way. The "will I always feel this pit of my stomach fear?" feeling.
Crap. I am now crying. Great.
I've got way too much work to do to be putting myself through the wringer now.
Simply put...I gotta sit with the feeling and know that I can't control anything but me.
I hope no one thinks that I'm thinking anything is up...I'm just tired of worrying that what I say or do could stop/start something (a la "If I had said xyz, would I have nipped xow EA in the bud" kind of thing or did my querying on her way early increase the likelihood of something happening?). (So stop worrying!).
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage - is this an "absolutely no spouses allowed" kind of thing? Or could you go with H? (or meet him there?) My H has been very careful to include me in everything (he also loves my company ) and that goes a long way towards easing my fears. When he introduces me around as his "lovely wife" - I think that sets us both at ease.
Ellie -- Definitely not a "spouse allowed" thing...he suggested that I come in and meet him afterwards. I'll see if he suggests meeting "at" the place or somewhere else. I know I'd prefer the former if he's comfortable with that.
He's kicked up the WOA bigtime this afternoon. I'm gonna try and let go of this crappy feeling between now and when I see him.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
((((Sage)))), First I wanted to send you a big hug, because I think you've got a lot on your shoulders with school & work, and there is an 'added', oft unspoken, pressure when you are about to complete your degree regarding 'what are you going to do with it?'. As I mentioned to you during our lunch, I finished my MBA part time as well and recall "Everybody" asking me what I was going to "do" when I finished, as if the full time job I had and just living wasn't up to snuff. It's a wonderful feeling to be close to finishing, and also somewhat daunting, like you have to 'do' something spectacular with the degree. All I can say is that things fell quickly into place for me without having to really worry so much about it - luck or coincidence I don't know . . . but it will happen for you too!
Quote: I just wish it didn't feel impossible for me to NOT feel this way. The "will I always feel this pit of my stomach fear?" feeling.
I do know where this feeling comes from and your queasiness over the 'new name'/event. Yes, a lot of it comes from the A, but I do think a lot, if not most of it, comes from inside you. Your H. seems to be very careful to 'ask permission' to attend, to assure you he won't be late, etc. He is tiptoeing around you so that you are reassured. But deep down, Sage you don't seem to believe that YOU are worth being faithful, open & honest to. I think that pit in your stomach will go away when you finally believe in YOU.
Oh, I know well the beating our esteem & confidence took in these sitches - and it is far easier for me to say believe in yourself, than it is to actually believe in myself. But doesn't it come down to that? We know we are bright, fun, attractive, hardworking, conscientious women with a whole big R tool box to help us. I doubt we will ever be in that 'state' we were before all this happened - and so I think we just have to believe that we are fine, that we are worthy, that we will not fall like that again.
Not sure if I am making sense to you - but I see the problem more within you than externally in the details... well, I do know it's that way with me.
Hi Sage! Have you ever noticed that how you feel about H depends totally on yourself. For example, one week you're feeling all lovey dovey/open and you think H is the greatest. Then the next week, you feel critical and so you start picking out some negatives that H is doing i.e. being quiet, distant, sad. It occured to me that here I am the one feeling distant, critical, etc. which in turn colors how I see H.
Same goes for the pit in your stomach. Only YOU can control the pit. You KNOW you can make it go away at times. What are you doing differently when you don't have the pit? What are you getting by allowing yourself to feel the pit?
It is apparent that it doesn't matter how many W's of A that your H gives you, or how much he tells you what he is doing, etc. It all depends on how you are taking care of yourself. You don't NEED WOA. I thought about the 5 ll's and tried to determine which were REALLY my ll's and which can be lived w/o. I don't need WOA to survive, I don't need gifts, I don't need services. I appreciate all of those and love WOA, however, what I can't survive without is PT or QT.
You can do this. I know how the angst feels and it SUX! But, you CAN control it! You have it in there!
I have taken tremendous solace and inspiration from your words and introspection since my troubles began. You live up to your moniker and reputation in the forums.
I wish I could hire you as my life/relationship coach right now! I wish I could have you like an angel on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, helping to keep me on stable ground and regain perspective about things.
You should take pride and a great deal of pleasure that you and H have managed to rebuild, what sounds like, a wonderful foundation for an amazing marriage.
I could sure use some of your wonderful feedback right now, when you are feeling better, check my sitch out and respond with some feedback, if you can. <Figuring out the broken pieces…How to rebuild?>
Sage--you will get through this, you have endured and conquered so much more in your M. I don't have many words of wisdom for you but I bet if you go and review some of the posts you've made you will find your answers. You can't be superwoman all of the time. You have a lot on your plate. I know your H has done a great job earning back your trust but it is human nature to have doubts sometimes especially if it feels similar to the way things were before the B.
Slowly 
. TBH, I think that h (in some ways) discloses more of how he feels about stuff to me than I do to him...what still feels odd to me is that I just don't feel like I know how to bring stuff up to him...
but thanks for reminding me that we HAVE come a long way.
) and that goes a long way towards easing my fears. When he introduces me around as his "lovely wife" - I think that sets us both at ease.
), what it would feel like to have the FEAR of, "Will this happen again?"