Looking backward...but only to move forward TWO

[sage]

Hi Slowly,

I often find myself nodding my head when reading your thread...I can definitely relate to what you have gone thru on your journey...

Hve you tried testing the waters a bit? Maybe H is ready, and is just waiting for cues from you?

I haven't tried testing the waters and if h is waiting for clues from me, well, he's probably confused . TBH, I think that h (in some ways) discloses more of how he feels about stuff to me than I do to him...what still feels odd to me is that I just don't feel like I know how to bring stuff up to him...

Can I say, well done you, and I'm just sooo envious - NG still 'escapes' his email screen even as he sees me in the vicinity. Ugh

Believe me...this has taken a LONG, LONG time ...it wasn't that long ago that I posted about h swapping screens when I came into a room.

Good to see just how far you have come, Sage. The rest of us need the inspiration!!

I'm not feeling particularly inspirational right now but thanks for reminding me that we HAVE come a long way.

Yesterday wasn't a great day. I've been torquing myself up this week due to being stressed out (work, school) and part of that has been sort of scrutinizing h -- I posted Monday that he seemed "off" -- sad, distant, whatever...the feeling has pervaded (but then I get wrapped up in "which came first...the 'off' behavior or my scrutiny?") I had a bad trigger yesterday because I went off to school after work and hadn't heard from h all afternoon (he was at school). I had that "why isn't he e-mailing me" feeling and it (combined with being at school) reminded me of the pre-bomb days (aka school night = date night with xow). I tried calming myself down on the way home but it just didn't work and I walked in with a wary attitude. h was fine....I told him I was sad that he hadn't emailed me, etc, then found myself lightly grilling him a bit about the timing of his day. Made me feel like crap.

I guess he sensed it because when we were falling asleep he said "Do you know how much I love you?" and then proceeded to create an elaborate answer.

So...the deal is this...a new name has been popping up in conversation with h...someone from school and my sensitivity/radar is freaking out. Now, I should be completely honest that my radar pretty much always freaks out whenever a new name pops up and gradually it abates. It's early for this new name so, well, it'll take a while to abate...

but...just got an email from h saying "'new name' asked me if I wanted to go to a post-work function (where the ADA's and law clerks from different divisions get together) that the DA's office is having tomorrow after work. Apparently her boss said it was OK if I went <snip> I'll get to meet a lot of the ADA's, which could be beneficial for a summer (or long-term) position.

Is it OK if I go? I can't remember if we had anything scheduled. I wouldn't stay too long, maybe you could meet me in town and we could go on a fun date afterwards! "

He then continued the e-mail with some very cute descriptions of how much he loves me.

Sigh.

I'm not even considering saying "don't go" or even telling him that I feel insecure (too reminiscent of when I brought up xow for the first time) or anything of the sort. It's completely "more of the same" for me to feel insecure about this and would be completely "more of the same" for him to be irked by it. I know that.

And I know that this job thing is a very big deal for him.

I can't say "I wish the a hadn't busted my trust in him" because my problem was always that I was untrusting ANYWAY.

I just wish it didn't feel impossible for me to NOT feel this way. The "will I always feel this pit of my stomach fear?" feeling.

Crap. I am now crying. Great.

I've got way too much work to do to be putting myself through the wringer now.

Simply put...I gotta sit with the feeling and know that I can't control anything but me.

I hope no one thinks that I'm thinking anything is up...I'm just tired of worrying that what I say or do could stop/start something (a la "If I had said xyz, would I have nipped xow EA in the bud" kind of thing or did my querying on her way early increase the likelihood of something happening?). (So stop worrying!).

Sage