Looking backward...but only to move forward TWO

[minnie1]

Hey there!

Was starting to worry about you.....

wow! school starts this Friday already? Fast break huh? But, it seems as if you enjoyed it and that's the important thing.

How did you accupunture appt go on Fri?

Lots of good moments with h...hanging out, lots of QT and WOA -- getting those LLs met!

This is wonderful Sage! gotta keep those tanks full!

Minnie

[sage]

It's been a really tough week for me at work so not much time to post...I've got a big project due on Monday and school is looming too so I'm back to feeling mildly overloaded. What's that you say? Oh, yes, 12 weeks 'til school is over! Yahoo!

I've been beating myself up a bit too because I feel like I've been mildly backsliding a bit on my post-bomb-behaviors -- nothing super bad but more like I've been talking more than listening (just a bit), querying h a bit too much instead of giving him space...the house is messy, I've been feeling more distracted, I've been too "me-centric" I think.

Now, all of this is just a "feeling" - like I can see myself when I'm having a conversation with him and I want to smack myself on the head! I think I just need to SLOW down more, ya know?

All this is exacerbated by the fact that it seems like h might be having a rough time too...school is super busy...he didn't get the job he was really hoping for, etc. Add almost 3 feet of snow on top of it and I think you've got two people who are each pretty stressed in their own way.

Good thing is that I don't think it's really having a negative impact on us...maybe we're just a little more tired with each other...or maybe we're just a little more likely to misunderstand the other (wait, is it just me?? perhaps I'm the only one who's been overly sensitive!).

The other thing that's been sort of weighing on me is that I feel like I've been shying away from talking with h about some stuff..not bad stuff (no R talks! or crazymaking) but just feeling shy about asking him how he feels about things...so much of it is because of MY ASSumptions about how he'll react...and that's not fair to him and it creates this crappy dynamic.

Anyway -- just got interrupted so I've lost my train of thought...Despite all this musing and mild beating myself up and total stress for both of us, things are very good One big thing happened last night..h and I decided to look something up on the internet...I came around to look at his screen and he had his email up so I said "whoops! sorry! and walked away". He called me over, sat me down on his lap and said "I don't want you to feel that way..." then he gave me a big hug and said "I want to be open and honest with you always". Not bad, not bad at all!!!!



Sage

[Nevanna]

Sounds like you two could use a vacation.

[unsure70]

I agree with Nevanna---we all need a vacation!!!

One big thing happened last night..h and I decided to look something up on the internet...I came around to look at his screen and he had his email up so I said "whoops! sorry! and walked away". He called me over, sat me down on his lap and said "I don't want you to feel that way..." then he gave me a big hug and said "I want to be open and honest with you always". Not bad, not bad at all!!!!

That is so awesome, I hope one day that my H will say or do something like that.

Sage--give yourself a break, you have done an awesome job and you are so in touch with yourself and so insightful. It's ok if the house is messy today...you can clean it tomorrow. You two have a lot going on in your life...you can't always be perfect. You are truly an inspiration to many of us on this BB.

Unsure

[eyesopened]

Hi Sage,

I agree with Nevanna, too. Sounds like a vacation would be great.

I've been beating myself up a bit too because I feel like I've been mildly backsliding a bit on my post-bomb-behaviors -- nothing super bad but more like I've been talking more than listening (just a bit), querying h a bit too much instead of giving him space...the house is messy, I've been feeling more distracted, I've been too "me-centric" I think.

Now, all of this is just a "feeling" - like I can see myself when I'm having a conversation with him and I want to smack myself on the head! I think I just need to SLOW down more, ya know?

FWIW, I feel the same way sometimes--like I can see myself and there's this voice in my head telling me "don't do that" but I go ahead and do something that I know isn't productive and won't get me closer to my goal. And, afterwards, like a couple of weekends when I was terse with H and slammed the door when leaving, I feel like smacking myself in the head, too. I think Michele's advice to forgive and give the benefit of the doubt also applies to us DBers. We're human and imperfect (wouldn't you hate to live with somebody who's absolutely perfect and never ever makes any mistakes? ).

You're doing great, and your H's comment last night is something most of us would give just about anything to hear.

[sage]

Hi guys,

Just a quickie to let you know I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I wrote a monster post yesterday that got swallowed up and then my smaller one complaining about THAT did as well. arrgh.

Nevanna, Unsure, eyes -- thank you so much for the positive responses and support. I really appreciate knowing that you guys have my back! I'm focusing on mellowing out, etc...

work was still crazy yesterday and will be next week, too but I found out I'm getting a substantial raise plus a lump sum! hooray! I propposed to h that we spend a night in town at a really nice hotel. sort of a mini vacation!

Day one of my intensive was today -- 4 more to go. It went well -- the class is interesting. It appears that we're doing a group "apprentice like" project! I hope we don't get fired!

see ya!
Sage

[sage]

Rest of the weekend was good. I had class on Saturday then drove into town to meet h. We ate then rented a movie. All in all a good night.

Yesterday was great -- we spent the whole day together! Ran a ton of errands yesterday AM then h studied while I worked on my resume. He was a huge help to me! I applied for a job -- fingers crossed!

we went to see "Million Dollar Baby" last night -- very good movie but extremely intense. Went out for dinner afterwards and h made the loveliest toast to me. Is it strange that it still sometimes feels unreal to me how we turned this around? I just get amazed, I guess. Well, amazed and grateful.

Busy day at work today then off to school -- this week looks to be a busy one overall! Next week should definitely be less hectic.

Sage

[minnie1]

Hi Sage,

I applied for a job -- fingers crossed!

Good luck! Will be thinking about you.

Minnie

[sage]

Had class last night. The class (Financial Modeling) looks shockingly hard! I'll attribute that to first night jitters. It IS the last one of my MBA so perhaps a bit of sweat might be good for me.

Got home kind of late. Hung out with h for a bit then went to bed. I got up this AM and worked out...came into work. It's been insane here and will be for a few more days.

h and I were supposed to see a movie tonight but I asked out of it...I have too much homework to do so I'm going to spend a few hours on that while he also studies then cooks us dinner! It's a surpise!

h seems "off"...sad maybe? depressed? tired? I can't put my finger on it but it does seem likes something is up. I asked him last night and he said he was "tired and perhaps a bit worried about school" so that's what I'm going with for now...I'll try to be as open and receptive as I can be. Perhaps he'll share more with me.

Sage

[sage]

Just a quickie...trying to get some homework done during lunch!

Had a good night last night. I got home around 6pm and did school work for a few hours. I got a lot done which was great.

h made us dinner -- he made pretty much the perfect food for me -- a really healthy (black bean, brown rice and veggie) burrito. It pretty much sums up how I like to eat (well, when I'm not eating chocolate cake!) so not only did I love the fact that he cooked for us but it was so "sage-centric" that it just warmed my heart.

Went to be quite early.

Tonight I'm going into school. tomorrow is "date night" so that's cool!

Sage