Hi Sage, How are you doing? It sounds like things are going very well for you!
It's time for your essay quiz. How could you have reacted differently to h's reaction to the parking/location sitch? What exactly did you do? Could you have remained silent, or cracked a joke or something?
Also, why exactly makes you so uncomfortable about your convo's w/him where you are trying to validate and support him? Are you afraid that you will seem insensitive like you have in the past? Or were you too busy to listen to him before, etc.?
It sounds like he is appreciating the effort that you are putting into your M. I'm sure you are afraid of not doing the "right" thing according to him. Hopefully, you'll be able to free yourself up a little bit and let it come more naturally. These habits take time, but we'll get better!
It's time for your essay quiz. How could you have reacted differently to h's reaction to the parking/location sitch? What exactly did you do? Could you have remained silent, or cracked a joke or something?
Oh, all I did was get irked in response (internally) and say something like "I've already said three times what the directions said. Could we try those now?"
No big deal, actually, and we rallied just fine.
The reason why I posted about it is because I very rarely feel reactive to h anymore (and he frankly gives me very little "bad stuff" to react to!) and I think I was getting a bit cavalier about how HARD it is to not be reactive when it's in your face...IOW, I think I was getting a bit too big for my britches thinking "yah, I can always be calm in the face of anger. Yah, I'm totally non-reactive and non-personalizing. Woohoo! I'm cool!" You know, stuff like that.
So, yes, I could have handled it differently -- starting off by not personalizing or interpreting his response to me (not thinking "why the heck is he MAD at ME?" "what's HIS problem?" etc) and I certainly could have sloughed it off. Next time!
Quote: Also, why exactly makes you so uncomfortable about your convo's w/him where you are trying to validate and support him? Are you afraid that you will seem insensitive like you have in the past? Or were you too busy to listen to him before, etc.?
I'm worried about falling into old patterns (not being validating because I was too busy putting my own thoughts out there, not listening fully, running roughshod over his emotions, etc). I also must admit that I still very frequently have thoughts of "what would ow have said/done/blah blah blah here?" -- kind of like I'm still holding myself up to the EA and ow and feeling like there must have been something WRONG with me for him to turn to her.
So, sometimes I just bump into a place in me that still needs to heal
I do have to say that h's positive feedback to me helps a great deal but I hate relying on that to feel positive about how I interact with him.
********************************** Picked h up from the train. I think he was worried because he said he would be on the earlier one and wasn't so I had to wait 30 minutes for the next one. No bother to me, though, I kind of like the waiting time in the car -- I had a book to read (one of the "R" ones that I tend not to read in front of him since he has interpreted that act negatively in the past) and I've also been listening to a CD of short stories ("Runaway" by Alice Munro) so I had plenty to keep my busy. I let him know that.
The tempo of the evening felt weird. h was wired and tired ( ) from his first day back at school - it sounds like it was a full and draining one. We cooked dinner (VERY successful! Steamed broccoli with garlic and hot pepper flakes; potato and garlic ravioli with marinara sauce; french bread) and then went upstairs. h said that he was going to do homework but then decided not to. I read Karen's post and then settled in to watch some TV.
I have to admit that I felt irked/sad for much of the night. I just felt like tears were under the surface for much of it...I guess I was revisiting old hurts
We went to bed pretty early and got up an hour late! No gym this AM. We'll go tonight. I was still very much in self-protective mode this AM. h is probably confused not my intention at all but I'm just feeling a bit like some scab or other got ripped off a bit. Not sure why. I'll get over it.
Have a good day planned...might take a page out of Pam's book and actually do something that will be a challenge -- reaching out to some networking contacts I have re. non-profit work! Wish me luck!
Guess tonight will be going to the gym and maybe watching the Tivo'd "NYPD Blue" from last night!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I have to admit that I felt irked/sad for much of the night. I just felt like tears were under the surface for much of it...I guess I was revisiting old hurts
((((Sage))))) I really identify with this because I've had similar feelings for the last couple of weeks. It's as though the old pain remains and resurfaces especially when I'm feeling stressed or run down. I've finally realized that Michele's program has helped me to mature and become more self-disciplined, but the pain and anger still remains. Forgiving deep hurts can be a long process. Love is a choice, forgiveness is a choice, and trust is a choice. You've come so far that I'm confident you won't act on negative feelings but will work through this with grace and strength.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
IT still happens to me too Sage. "Ghosts in the Attic" type of thoughts that are so elusive but you pretty much just know what they are about. At least it does seem to get a little bit easier to shrug off as you go along
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Hi ladies -- Eyes, Zoo, Minnie -- thanks for the visits and the words of support. They mean a great deal to me.
Eyes, yes, I had seen on your thread that you have been struggling a bit inside, too. It's a good reminder to me to think of forgiveness as a process, not a point on a timeline. And yes, you are also right that I will get thru this without "doing" anything! A year ago that would have seen unfathomable...to feel sad or crappy and not overwhelm h with it or at least mention it?! Feeling does NOT = ACTION!
Zoo, ah! Ghosts in the attic! I like that a lot. It's weird how it hits and I'm like "wait, what am I bummed about? oh, yah, that." It does pass so much quicker now and doesn't require as much care and handling as it once did!
Minnie, . thanks for the support. I like that you're watching out for me!
*************** I had a fleeting thought a few minutes or so ago that I need to GET OVER MYSELF. Just kind of feeling like shaking it off.
Had an ok night last night -- still felt odd and h seemed odd but hey, oddness abounds. He's knee deep in schoolwork after just 3 days back so no doubt that could be adding to the stress. We cooked dinner together (we are doing GREAT with that resolution!) and he studied while I watched tv. At 9 we watched a taped NYPD Blue then went to bed. I had trouble falling asleep. But, I eventually did, slept well (the humidifier is making an enormous difference!), got up and went to the gym. It's been a good day today so far...I've got 2 more meetings then I'm meeting h in town for a drink/celebration for his awesome grades!
This AM was the first morning in a LONG time that he didn't call me before leaving for school. I emailed him and it turns out he had a horrendous train trip into school but, well, that still doesn't explain the no call. Maybe he's thinking I want some space? He must be confusing me with a Martian 'cause what I want is him to shower me with affection and reassurances. Oh, wait, I'm getting over myself, right! OK, what I want is for him to feel good about how school is going and feel good about knowing that his w. understands if he's stressed and a bit distant as a result. In fact, I think I'll lay down my ASSumptions (is he distant?) and expecations and just busy myself with fun stuff for a bit.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm an A$$. I just got a perfectly lovely e-mail from h that detailed about a jillion different things that he has going on today -- it's been a very UNSMOOTH day for him, as he said, but I think he's ok now.
Maybe I'm only half a butthead since I did declare I was getting over myself in advance of getting the e-mail.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage - I think you got it absolutely right. As long as you beat the email, I'd say you're safe. Your story is a great journey and I pray that things continue to strengthen on all accounts. Until this past Tuesday, I thought I might be in this forum, but as you know I'm not. I have a big crossroads tomorrow. Thank you again for your thoughts.
I just want to say (I'm sure I've told you before) that reading your threads really does help see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It also helps us newbies realize that even the DB experts have bad days! Hope you're feeling better.
I just want to say (I'm sure I've told you before) that reading your threads really does help see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It also helps us newbies realize that even the DB experts have bad days! Hope you're feeling better.
Unsure
Not sure if I have ever posted to you before, Sage, but I echo the above sentiments!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
You know, stuff like that. 
. thanks for the support. I like that you're watching out for me!