hey, maybe OM bought her the perfume during the A, and she never wore it, and just hid it in the closet, and maybe she forgot about it by now.I do understand that feeling you get when you see something new. My h does not live with me and if I see a new shirt on him, or hat, I always say hey that shirt looks great on you, is it new? So far he hasn't said that OW bought anything for him, but I am preparing myself for him to show up one of these times wearing something she bought him, and him telling me she did. if she finds out you snooped, its bad for you. I snooped when my H had his first A 12 years ago, and found a $400.00 necklace for OW for xmas. I got a necklace as well-$99.00. Snooping makes you feel empty-you set yourself up for a heartache. I know, I feel like ah-ha !when I find something, but then you know you can't call 'em on it cause they'll know you snooped. You sound like a decent guy, and I know this is tough on you. The fact that you are willing to forgive this , and that you know you BOTH have work to do is excellent.Your marriage has a much better chance of surviving this if you both realize that you each need to bring something to the marriage. An affair is a wake up call. As long as it is not repeated, your marriage will survive. Trust will be a biggie, for a while. The point I am trying to make is make your marriage a safe place to tell the truth.You may not like the answers you get to your questions, but you have to both work to solve the problem. In an affair ,like it or not, you are BOTH to blame.Somthing was missing or lacking or just wron for a spouse to seek comfort and validation elsewhere. No one forces you to have an affair, but there are reasons they happen. There is a book called how to affair proof your marriage. But really, its common sense (oh yea, I have really good 20/20 hindsight now...) treat your spouse the way you want to be treated, learn her love language, and always try to be friends. We treat total strangers better than we treat our spouses sometimes!But it also has to be reciprocated. One person cannot do all the work. At first you may have to, but as your marriage heals it'll start to be both sides.Hope this helps
This A is alot to get through. You are gonna have to have the patience of a saint (ask Saint Shawn...)
