Life, One Chapter at a Time

[psluke]

I think there are two kinds of love in a marriage. One is a "selfish" love - the part that wants the spouse to love you to make you feel good, that's angry if they don't give you that love that makes you feel good. This is often the place where the anger of betrayal comes from - they went away and took away those good feelings you got from being loved by them. Holding on to the "selfish" love isn't good for you, or particularly helpful to DBing efforts either for that matter. "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself" is connected to this. Some of your continued "love" for D is really just connected to this pain and maybe to the fact that you haven't quite built your life up to the point yet where you are receiving those good feelings from others.

Feeling the "selfish" love will only hold you back and keep you in the drama and the mud

I have really done lots of introspection at the times I am hurting or feeling anger at D and J since Ellie posted that to me.

She is right. The hurt and anger seems to for the most part be coming from memories of things that I enjoyed that D and I did together at this time of year; that now I feel J is enjoying doing with D. So there is also jealousy most definitely involved along with the loss of the good feelings that being with D brought me.

It is so much easier to do this when you fill the holes in your life, wherever they are, so that you no longer feel like you "need" your spouse or ex to fill those spaces for you.

I think this is probably very accurate as well. I am a bit of a homebody and that allows too much time to think and dwell on the loss of D's presence in my life. Also I'm not sure doing things with other people gives quit the same feelings as doing something with someone you are in love with, if you get my meaning. That added dimension is missing! There are things that are more enjoyable with a friend who has an interest level to match your own, but there are other things that are just more enjoyable with someone you have those in love feelings for I think.

Now the trick I suppose is to fill my life with enough other things that the things I would want to do with someone I love don't monopolize the thinking patterns.